I love Sundays. For me, Sundays are all about sleeping late, brunch and A Guy’s Story – what’s not to love?  This week’s Guy’s Story is by my good buddy Tom Miller, aka Tomfoolery (his blog is guaranteed to make you smile, NO JOKE).

Being Mean For No Reason

Everyone’s been the bad guy in a relationship one or two times. Sometimes we justify our actions as protecting ourselves or not letting someone get away with something. But generally, it’s spite or malice or vengefulness or willful negligence that makes us do crummy things. Despite being a largely well meaning and genial fellow, I’ve been spectacularly mean on a few occasions and I don’t care for it one bit.

Back in college, it seemed like there was an art to being mean to a girlfriend and it mostly had to do with looking cool in front of your buddies, it was the summer of 1998 and no one knew any better. I had the feeling that it was just a power dynamic and nothing I really wanted to get into. But years later I dropped a very douchey and mind game-y hammer on a lady I was dating seriously.

We’d entered into what I would call a relationship low-swing. When we were apart, which due to physical distance was often, she got a little clingy and wanted to check in pretty regularly. In her past were a bunch of hardcore lamebots when it came to boyfriends, so she felt a need for vigilance and I wasn’t always sensitive to those needs. In fact, I felt those dick-o-sauruses had caused her to play judge, jury and executioner without provocation. I spent a night at a club with some friends, many of whom had lady parts rather than man parts. We got boozed up and danced our faces off (that’s not a drug reference, I didn’t have a face for 12 hours). I checked in with a “good night” text and thought everything was okeedokee.

The next morning, at the crack of 11 AM, I was fielding a lot of very accusatory interrogatives, declaratives, exclamatories and imperatives. I almost felt guilty for just hanging out. Feeling parched, faceless and like my brain had swollen to Tarantino-esque dimensions, I fired back, hard. Having a massive ego, I decided that rather than talk it out, I was putting my old lady on a 24-hour timeout. I punished her concern and discomfort by cutting off contact for a day. I did need to put the conversation on ice as I was too hungover and she was too mad to talk about it, but killing discourse for a day was mean. The texts came after a few hours of cool-off time. They started consolatory, moved to apologetic and took a hard turn into frantic as the day wore on. Because I had a goddamned chip on my shoulder, I didn’t want to reach out and accept the apology and offer an olive branch.

When we did talk at 11:01 the next day, I found that the cruel power play worked but I didn’t feel like a victor, I felt like a grade-A asswad. There’s something inherit about shifting power dynamics in a relationship, and bullies tend to use mind games to stay on top. Probably very few people see themselves as bullies. They’d label themselves as assertive or, if mostly self-aware, as aggressive. No one who has ever met me would classify me as either of those things, but I took someone’s love and esteem for me and used it as a weapon against her. While I plan on never doing that again, I’m not sure I wouldn’t do it again if given the chance, if that makes sense.

While I’m sure that’s not the meanest thing I’ve ever done in a friendship or relationship, it’s one that’s eaten at me since it happened. There’s a great David Cross quote that I can’t find about not being able to psychologically afford regretting or lamenting some of the things we say or do, so I’ll have to save the really rotten things for my personal judgment day. One way or another, there’s always a reckoning.

And yes, I meant for the title to be all in caps.  It’s for emphasis.

So maybe this theory isn’t new.  Maybe someone else has said this before.  But yesterday is the very first time this thought entered my head.  So it’s new for me.

But before I share this new theory with you, a couple of disclaimers for people who aren’t regular readers:  I have a thing for older men.  It’s not uncommon for me to date men who are 10 years older than me.  It’s just something I frequently do.  And always have, since I was a teenager (well, when I was a teenager they were only 5 years only than me – college boys when I was in high school).  I like older men and they like me.

I have nothing against older men dating younger women or older women dating younger men.  I do, however, get sick of being told that I’m too old for men in their 40s (by some men, they are not in the majority) because I’m 39 and I know many other women in their mid-late 30s who feel similarly.

Disclaimers aside, here is my theory:  Men in Manhattan have a tendancy to date much younger women because it’s too damn hard/expensive here to find a decent parking space.  Those guys, the 49 year olds who won’t date anyone older than 30, they’d have sportscars if they lived in the burbs.  But they live here, Manhattan.  And owning a car in Manhattan is a bitch.  So much smarter to just use a Zip Car and/or occasionally rent.

Younger women – they’re the new ferraris.

I’d like to thank my good friend Tom Miller over at YourTango for writing about guys, fast cars and mid-life crisises. Otherwise, this never would have occurred to me.  If it wasn’t for him, I’d still be thinking that guys in NYC went after much younger women because they were trying to avoid a serious relationship or getting tied down with a woman who wanted a kid in the near future.  Nope, I’m pretty sure it’s all about the lack of decent parking.

They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, right?  Well, my good friend Tom Miller aka Tomfoolery wrote a post the other day called 6 Quick Pick-Me-Ups for the Glum Guy and I’ve decided to flatter him in the sincerest way possible.

His 6 things were all non-sexual, btw, and so I’m going to stick to the same standard.  Sorry, it’s not going to be one of those posts.  Oh, and here’s my usual disclaimer – I do not pretend to speak for all women.  I’m sure there are some women for whom these don’t apply.  Get over it.

1.  Shoulder rub.  Show off your big, strong hands and give the woman in your life a 5 minute shoulder rub. Smiles will follow.

2.  Run her a bubble bath. Sure, there are some anti-bath people out there (I’ll never get that) but most women enjoy a long luxurious bubble bath.  Alone.  Don’t try to climb in there and crowd the tub.  Just make sure the tub is nice and clean, run the bath and light a few candles.

3.  Suggest her favorite food for dinner.  It doesn’t matter what it is- pizza, steak, bbq, sushi.  She’ll just get off on the fact that you suggested her favorite.

4.  Chocolate.  I know, I know.  What a stereotype.  But if I’m glum and you want to cheer me up quick, without much effort and without spending much money, I’m gonna suggest a bar of good, dark chocolate (I’d go with a Green and Black Organic Chocolate with cherries).  Mmmmmmmmm.

5.  A “just because” card. Who ever thought of those was a freaking genius.  Take a pretty picture, put it on a card, write “thinking of you” on the inside and sell it for $3 +.  Absolute genius.  But I love them. Sappy, I guess.  But it works every time.

6.  Dance with us.  I like to dance.  You wanna cheer me up – put on some music, pull me off the sofa and dance with me.  Instant happy.

Last week my good friend Tom Miller aka Tomfoolery over at YourTango wrote a piece about the worst’s most annoying husband.  I guess I’m the last person to hear about this blog.

Anyway, it got me to thinking about a friend of mine (actually we’re not close anymore, long story, so not appropriate for this space) who used every conversation and every get-together as an opportunity to complain about her husband and their marriage.  Pretty much nonstop.

I tried to be understanding, for a while, but then it really started to grate on my nerves.  I’ve never been the type of girl who wanted to spend all of my time talking about boys, whether I had one in my life or not.  And while I can imagine having an annoying (or worse) husband is something a woman would want to talk about, I don’t have much time and patience for people who let that be the only thing they ever talk about.  If things are that bad, IMHO, do something about it.  Otherwise, chill.  Same goes for men who are constantly bitching about their wives.

And then, of course, there’s the flip side.  The singles who are always complaining about being single.

I guess what I’m saying that is that we’re all more that our relationship status.  All of us.  I am a SINgleGIRL but I’m also a lot more than that.  My friend was a woman in a frustrating marriage with an annoying husband. But she was more than that, too.

And yet sometimes we find ourselves in these patterns when talking (listening) about this one thing is all we do.  ANNOYING. Hmmm, maybe this post made more sense when I started it at 2am?

Anyway, this is what I’m thinking.  I’d love to know what you think.

Not too long ago I wrote a post about sex myths, or rather, about articles that claimed to debunk commonly held sex myths.  Now here I am attempting to do some debunking of my own.

Yesterday I read a couple of things that seemed to be predicated upon common misperceptions of what women do or don’t like.

Article #1: Ladies, Men Really Like A.M. Delight from Tomfoolery (by my pal Tom Miller) in YourTango.  It starts off with this statement, “Women, on behalf of all men everywhere, we have a request: more unplanned morning sex.”  It’s a funny post.  Well done.  But it makes the assumption that women need some convincing as to the virtues of morning nooky (not to mention a quickguide).

I can’t speak for anyone other than myself, but I’m one lady (well, not so much a lady as a woman/girl/broad/female) who really likes good morning sex.  Likes, in that last statement, is an extreme understatement.

Article #2: How to Buy Your Lady A Vibrator from Asylum.  This article points out that many of the vibrators purchased in the US are bought by men for women, and proceeds to give advice on selecting an appropriate model.

Here’s the thing guys, if you’re married or in a long-term committed relationship then I think it’s absolutely cool to buy your woman a sex-toy (a vibrator or anything else that you think she may like).  But if your relationship isn’t there yet, then please think twice.  Again, I can’t speak for anyone but myself, but when a relationship is over, the sex toys acquired as gifts go out with the trash (or in one case got returned in the mail – don’t ask).  I’m not going to play with something you gave me after I purge you from my life.  Especially not with another guy.  That’s just seriously icky.   So vibes as a great gift idea, maybe not so much.

Your thoughts?