YES! I’m back on schedule and that means today we have a guest post (I’m smiling so hard my face hurts). Today’s amazing guest author is Julie who blogs regularly at Dating Sure is a Whole Lot of What? Not!

Bizarro Bimbo Bozo

My plunging neckline is the first hint of how the evening will go.  Five-inch peek-a-boo velvety grape pumps are another clue.  Clingy halter dress, is there really any doubt?  And, when Joshua says, “Society puts men and women into unnatural boxes.  Men are supposed to be overtly sexual while women are supposed to be hard to get.  I think men and women are more alike than different”—that pretty much seals the deal.  Why not just come on out and Double Dog Dare me?

“And another thing,” Joshua’s peering into my eyes with the kind of intensity I don’t usually experience on a first date.  “This whole idea that men want to be hunters?  Bullshit.  Maybe that’s the case for other men, but I don’t like a woman who decides she needs to be chased.  I’m not going to do it.”

We’ve been talking about the book I’m writing where I try and follow a bunch of advice from bestselling self-help books on dating.  The “rule” about having men come to women seems to have struck a chord.  I don’t typically like to talk about my writing with men I don’t know very well but tonight’s different.

Without really thinking about it too much in advance, I’ve decided that tonight I’m going to chuck all sensible advice I’ve received in the past about men and dating.  This first date is going to be my version of Bizarro Julie—the opposite of Superman (further popularized by Jerry Seinfeld).  Instead of doing everything I’m supposed to do to lure in this sexy, older man I’m going to do the opposite.  Here’s how it all goes down:

IGNORED SUGGESTION #1:  Wear feminine clothing without being overtly sexual.

The experts agree that a not-too-short skirt or dress accessorized with tasteful jewelry and top let a man know that you care enough to look like the date is special without looking like a tramp. My here-are-my-boobs dress and soaring high shoes scream: “Bend me over the hood of the car and fuck me now!”  I can make up all sorts of excuses about it being hot out and wanting to break in my bad-boy shoes.  Instead, let me just say that when Joshua mentions liking a picture on my profile with cleavage I figure he will like it even more in person.  The shoes are an afterthought.

IGNORED SUGGESTION #2:  Have a plan and stick to it.

Being a planner has always come naturally to me.  I love To Do lists, throwing myself birthday parties, and mapping out exactly how my life should go.  Dating experts believe that having a plan can ensure a successful date.  Do you know where he’s taking you?  Will dinner/dancing/alcohol be included? What’s your exit strategy?  These are the kinds of questions that help women stay safe during a date with a virtual stranger.  Tonight I completely wing it by sucking down two glasses of wine, two beers, and very limited food in a matter of minutes.  As I stumble up the stairs to the second bar I begin to realize that my date will have to be responsible for getting me home safely.  Who’s going to watch my dog?

IGNORED SUGGESTION #3:  Don’t expose too much of your past/quirks/idiosyncrasies too quickly.

In every book I’ve read about dating, the experts harp on the fact that men want to be with a woman who is special without being overly different.  This tightrope walk involves being high energy without being manic, being friendly without appearing to be a doormat, and needing a man without NEEDING a man.  Supposedly this can be achieved by keeping quiet for the most part, listening attentively, and not really giving up too much information.  Yeah, right.  The mildly pleasant be damned!  Tonight I’m lynching the Pope, discussing the very helpful effects of prescription drugs, and inviting Joshua to go naked swimming.  I’m unique, sexy, and more than a little drunk.  I’m leaping over tall buildings and crashing into a heaping puddle in his arms.  Freeeeeaky!

IGNORED SUGGESTION #4:  Under no circumstances should your date go anywhere near your panties.

The experts are very clear on this one—no sex.  In fact, anything beyond light kissing is entirely off limits AND is the woman’s job to monitor all of this sexually charged behavior.  Joshua has made it very clear that he has no patience for women who play hard to get.  Like most men, he claims to be immune to society’s pressures of viewing women through the lens of the Double Standard.  Madonna/Whore?  What’s that?  Joshua is looking for a sexually open woman.  Someone who knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to reach down and grab it.  This “Who, me? I’m different from all of the rest” ploy isn’t really working on me but I’m also not stopping him.  I know that if I allow Joshua to slip his hands into my dress I will never see him again.  As he tentatively moves from one corner of my body to the next I’m aware of his growing surprise that I’m not being a very good Sex Cop.  Arrest me.

I follow the rules, and the men run away screaming.  I completely obliterate the rules, and the men REALLY run away screaming.

And, that’s the thing about these and other rules.  In many ways they are helpful reminders to assist women to live within the confines of expected behavior.  I’m a fan of this in terms of being safe and secure.  Drinking too much and getting groped in my car are not good decisions on my part.

I know this.

Where I struggle is with how so many of us blindly follow rules, guidelines, and suggestions thinking all the while that it’s these learned behaviors that are going to get us the love we so desire.  Like so many women before and after me, I’ve fallen into the trap of believing that all I need to do is tweak this, pinch off that—and voila!—love will come knocking on our doorstep.  Holding a bouquet of flowers.

Rather than doing the difficult soul searching work needed to decipher which walls we’re putting up when legitimate suitors enter the picture, we’re praying to the Just Do This lists.  We’re giving in to the belief system that women need to change something (anything!) in order to be lovable, desired, worthy of Date Number Two.  We’re racking our brains and beating our heads against the dining room table in a slow, dead, beat reciting the mantra: What on earth can I do now? I’ve tried everything!

Being done with Official Dating Rules does not need to translate into being bizarre on a first date.  Excessive behavior is not the answer.  It’s not smart and it’s not safe.  Now that I’ve nursed my headache and gotten over my embarrassment about inviting Joshua to go skinny dipping, I think I have a plan. . . . .

Today’s guest post is by C of Dating DC (love this – she closes her emails with, “If ‘winning’ the dating game is marriage, I’m playing because I love the sport.”). I hope you’ll enjoy it as much as I did.

I’ve been in some bizarre dating shitsuations (if you will) lately. The men and I have been equally great – funny, smart, ambitious, etc., but with each, one or both of us have engaged in just plain tacky, hurtful behavior. Why is it when two generally good, nice, considerate people enter into a dating relationship, those qualities often go out the window?

From my experience, it’s because our fledgling connection and overpowering excitement and hope for it are incompatible; the disparity encourages us do and say things we wouldn’t otherwise. We act out in self-preservation, often at the cost of the other person’s feelings.

But the more I date, the more I fail and am failed, and the more I learn from it all, the more I realize that our fears of vulnerability and being hurt can often be alleviated by following that pesky, age-old Golden Rule: treat others as you want to be treated. It won’t save us from all pain, certainly, but it will make the pain more bearable and keep us acting like the people we know ourselves to be.

1. Don’t judge a book by its cover

“I read your blog, and I think our interest in each other is misaligned.” Ooof. Have you ever met someone positively dreamy, in personality and looks, that rejected you because they read the blog you write? Probably not, but it’s a universal experience to be rejected without being known. Whether it’s because of our appearance, our job description or the blog we write, it’s unbearably painful and cruel to feel the nuanced, intricate people we are diminished into a single trait or factor.

When you connect with someone, grant them space to be the entire, full person they are. Then, if you want different things or realize incompatibility, then walk away.

2. Be Kind, Please Respond

I ended things with a man whom I like a great deal. It wasn’t going to work. I was honest and direct, and I expressed gratitude for the experiences we’ve shared. I said I understood he might need time, but I hoped we would talk about it. He never responded. His silence told me he doesn’t give a damn, or at the least, he wants me to feel like he doesn’t care. That’s as hurtful as it was intended to be.

When someone cares enough about you and what the two of you shared to end things amicably and as kindly as possible, acknowledge that with a response to show you care, too, and it was an experience just as worthy of your time. A response at all is the simplest way of saying, “I care, too.”

3. No Ultimatums

“If I leave right now, we’re done.” I heard this twice in one night by two men. They left alone. With their ultimatums, these wonderful men became controlling men, manipulative men. They took our relationship into their hands and decided it had to be on their terms or not at all. That’s what ultimatums do. They’re not sexy, they’re not good “chase” tactics, and by using them, it seems you usually lose what you’re chasing.

4. Tweet in Good Taste

“I have five men to choose from. I’M BACK!” I tweeted a couple of weekends ago, knowing someone I was dating could and probably was reading it. My brain and my Twitter account seem to work in tandem, without a filter between them, and it’s destructive. This is my lesson to learn, the area where I fail most consistently when it comes to being a good dater, a decent dater, a kind dater.

When you’re dating someone, even casually, that reads your Twitter (or any social media), keep your other shenanigans off of it. Additionally, don’t Tweet to send passive aggressive messages. Just like our Mama’s would say, if you don’t have something nice to tweet, don’t tweet anything at all.

5. I Can Haz Follow-Through

The single worst (average) feeling in the world is disappointment. It’s uncomfortable and unnerving, and when you find yourself checking your phone hoping to hear from someone that said they’d call or waiting around for plans that were only loosely made, it’s all-consuming. Not doing what you say you’re going to do disrespects the other person’s time and feelings and undermines their sense of security in the relationship you’re building.

I’ve had the absolute pleasure of dating a man that gave me a taste of what consistent follow-through feels like. Knowing that you won’t feel disappointment is, on the reverse, the best feeling.

6. Be a good person, dammit!

Dating has evolved in phenomenal, fascinating ways over even the last decade. The ways many of us meet, interact and communicate have transitioned from singles socials and phone calls to Match.com and Twitter Direct Messages. We’re all struggling to find our footing and to understand this new age, high tech dating world we find ourselves in, and we’re going to make a lot of mistakes along the way. But one thing hasn’t changed: good, old-fashioned consideration and thoughtfulness is still in style and always will be. Plus, we could all use a little extra dating karma, couldn’t we?

I know that many of you have been waiting for this – part 2 of last week’s guest post from Arlene, who runs the fun site Relationship Talk. If you missed part 1, you can read it here.

Exceptions to the Rule

Then one day, I was in an online chat room and I started chatting with one of the guys. He was the only one whose first question wasn’t what underwear I had on (or better yet, off). We talked age (he was 4 years younger), goals (he didn’t sign off and start chatting to someone else) and best of all, he was really nice (and couldn’t get over how nice I was too).

We decided to meet after talking over the phone a couple of times (all this took only a  couple of days). I wanted to get the date over with as soon as possible, since I knew that there was no way he was a 6-foot something, blue-eyed blond who was not over weight at all, as he had said. He wanted to meet as soon as possible since he didn’t believe it was possible that I wasn’t a total b*tch, and was actually genuinely nice, as I seemed over the phone.

Much to both of ours surprise – he was a 6-foot something, blond blue-eyed Mr Wonderful, and I was genuinely Ms. Nice. We had a fantastic date, I felt totally at ease with him, as if we belonged together and I was hoping he felt the same.

I couldn’t believe how lucky I was and thought that I really ought to get him into bed before he never called me back again, so I did. And while we were laying there, in the very early morning, he said in his Brazilian accent “I want to be like this everyday.”, which I took to mean – I want to lie by your side everyday…  My goal oriented brain went Bing!!! He wants to marry me. YAY!

From this point on it turns into a kind of comedy. I was encouraged by that sentence and started taking him really seriously. The fact that he had declared he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me gave me a lot of confidence to move and shake, so to speak and, in turn, he took me seriously too. We moved in together, decided to have a family and I was pregnant within 9 months of meeting him.

A few years later we were talking about our first date and I mentioned how great it was that it was love at first site. “What?” He said. “I don’t believe in love at first site, I remember it being a whole lot of like, but not love.”

“Really?” I said. “But you said ‘I want to be like this everyday’!” “Oh” He said. “That’s just standard Brazilian talk for I feel really good now”

I was quite flabbergasted. I had based my whole plan on that sentence. Had 2 children on that sentence and he had meant something totally different from what I had understood. It never ceases to amaze me. Or him.

I kind of wonder what would have happened to us if I hadn’t taken him at his word. Or if I had played by the rules. We might or might not have ended up together. And I might or might not have met another Mr Right. It’s a pointless exercise, because, thankfully, I did take him at his word and wouldn’t have it any other way.

I am not sure I would recommend this tactic to anyone else. It seems as if  we worked out in spite of my tactical ignorance… or maybe, we were just meant to be.

I used to post lists every Friday.  You know, Top 5 ways to ___ or 7 Things I Hate About __.  But then I stopped doing those. They’re just not the type of thing I enjoy writing. And as I own this little piece of the web, I should get to write things I enjoy writing.  For the most part.

That doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate a well written list, done by someone else. Especially if there are pictures.

Speaking of which (excuse my clumsy attempt as a neat transition, fuzzy brain today), a friend sent me this and I asked if I could borrow it/post it here, because it made me smile.  And I kinda needed a smile today.

Five things not to do on your first date

So you’ve recovered from your last affair, and are ready to re-enter the dating scene.  As any astronaut will tell you, re-entry is the most treacherous part of the job, with temperatures reaching several hundred degrees Celsius even before you get back to your place.  Here are a few tips to reacquaint you with tried and true dating rules, as well as some new developments you may have missed out on.

Check out the rest of the (very awesome) slideshow here.

This list was written by Con Chapman and originally posted in The Basement.

Today’s guest post is by my twitter friend and fellow blogger, @brooke_farmer.  Check out her blog here.

A Few Simple Rules

Think of this as an open letter to men on internet dating websites.  Think of it as a short list of rules they should always abide by.  Think of it as the reason I gave up on internet dating.  Internet dating is a strange phenomenon.  I resisted it for a long time but after moving to a city where I knew almost no one I decided to give it a shot.  I met a couple of married men, a couple of douchebags, and a couple of guys who looked nothing at all like their profile photo.  And then I met this guy.

A few simple rules for internet dating:

-If you have a giant tattoo on one side of your neck, that creeps up onto part of your face- this should be clearly disclosed in your photo.

-If you are 5’6″ then say you are 5’6″.  Do not say you are 5’9″.  Those three inches will be noticed and when they are you are not only short.  You are a short liar.

-If you aren’t interested in books or politics (or any other specific conversation topic) do not pretend to be during the email exchange.  The other person might expect you to be capable of holding the same conversations in person that you did when you had google at your finger tips.

-Don’t say you are looking for someone you can “really connect with” if you just want to fuck someone and talk dirty to them.  It’s ineffective.  There are girls out there that just want to fuck and talk dirty.  They will be unresponsive to your statements about wanting to find a “special connection.”  Likewise, the woman who DOES respond to that statement is not going to fuck you anyway when you come across as a creepy ass mother fucker in person.  So be honest about what you want.

-Over breakfast, in a busy restaurant, with several small children at the next table, don’t ask the woman you just met, “So, what do you think?  We gonna fuck or not?”

-Breathe with your mouth closed.

-Chew with your mouth closed.

-If you must (and I do mean absolutely MUST) stare, stare with YOUR MOUTH CLOSED.

It’s a short list and some of the points may not apply to everyone, but these are definite rules that should never be violated.  Seriously.  And no, I’m not exaggerating.  And yes, this was all the same guy.  And I am pretty sure it is apparent why I decided to go back to trying (and mostly failing) to meet people in real life rather than through the internet.