Attraction is a funny thing. Well, funny might be the wrong word here. But I’m trying to curse less.

I’m just constantly amused and amazed by human attraction. It’s WEIRD. Really fucking weird. OK, so much for cursing less.

So here’s a little story about attraction (sloppy segue, sorry, I’m tired). I was out one night last week with a few girlfriends. We’re all around the same age, not that that matters. It was one friend’s birthday, and we were out celebrating. Since it was her birthday, we went to a bar where the guys were to her liking.

I guess I should mention that we all have very different taste in guys.

Very. Different. Taste.

At first I just thought it was mostly about age. I like ‘em older. She likes ‘em younger... You get the picture. But NO. There’s way more to it than that. We’re in this bar full of guys I might have hung out with/dated when I was 23 and my friend (the one who likes younger guys) looks around and says there were no cute guys in the place.

I look around and think, WTF?  Now, I wasn’t interested. They were all WAY too young for me. But there were, in my eyes, at least a handful of cute young ones. But my opinion wasn’t the opinion that mattered. A few minutes passed and she grabs me and points out a guy she thinks is hot, standing a few feet away from us (I guess he just walked in). I nearly gagged. I would have tagged him as one of the least attractive guys in the place.

Taste. It’s fucking weird. #thatisall

So I was out last night at a little tweetup, having fun, when all of a sudden it hit me – wow, our group was made up of a lot of pretty damn sexy individuals.  Now I’m not saying this just to fluff a bunch of egos.  Not at all.  It’s just what I was thinking at the time.  That a heck of a lot of the assembled folks (men and women, and btw, men were in the majority) were sexy.  At least, in my eyes.

So once my brain went there, it went to the next most logical place.  Why did I think that?  What is sexy, after all?  And is it the same for men and women?  Hmm. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that some of these things apply to what guys find sexy, but not all. And that the average guy’s list would have a bit more emphasis on visuals.

Anyway, here’s my list.  My That’s So Hot list.  It’s really just a tip of the iceberg. What came to mind today. No where near comprehensive.  For what it’s worth:

1. A big, easy-going, natural smile. – A natural (not cheesy, salesman-like) smile tells me a guy is probably friendly and happy and maybe even well-adjusted.  Or at the very least pleasantly drunk and in a good mood.  If I walk in to a room full of virtual strangers, I’m going to look for a smiling guy, walk right up to him and start talking.  Sourpusses, scowlers and men who have perfected the bad boy glare can all go stand in the corner by themselves and look cool.
2. Taking care of yourself/not being horribly out of shape – Last night’s group ranged from mid twenties to early fifties, with a healthy chunk of us wedged dead in the middle.  None of the men present looked like they spent too much time in the gym, but they all looked they were aware of time’s passing and worked to stay in shape. For the record, I think a 40 yr old guy with a busy life and a little extra padding is hotter than one who gets up at 4am every morning to go to the gym so that he never gains a pound.
3. Smart as hell with lots of interesting things on the top of your tongue -  I was trying to circulate last night, and while I did I overheard so many different, interesting conversations.  I kind of wanted to stop and join all of them.  And, btw, no one was namedropping, gossiping or talking about the latest tabloid scandal.  That shit is so not hot.
4. Chutzpah - (Sorry, I’m in a very NYC state of mind today) – I could have said confidence, sure.  But it’s more than that.  Balls. Cojones. Audacity.  No, I mean chutzpah.  In a good way.  This is very different than arrogant, but please don’t ask me to explain it to you.
5. Kindness – You might think this goes with the smile, but it’s more than that.  Like most gatherings, people arrived over the course of several hours.  At one point in the evening, our little corner of the bar was packed and every seat was taken.  Three different men were hopping up and offereing to go fetch additional seats because there was a a woman who was standing in a bending/awkward position to join a group that was talking.  None of them knew her and none of them were a part of that conversation.  AND, none of them wanted anything from it (hit on her afterwards).  They’re all just really kind, decent men who didn’t want to see anyone uncomfortable, even for a moment.  SO HOT!

So, ladies, what did I miss? If you were writing this list, what would be on it? And guys, what about you? What would be on your “So Hot” short list?

It might be hard for people who don’t live here to imagine this, but New Yorkers bump into people they know all of the time.  Sure, it’s a BIG city.  But it’s also just a collection of neighborhoods.

This morning, as I was out fetching milk (for my coffee), I bumped into a guy I went out with a few times.  Or rather, I saw him from across the street and moved quickly so that he wouldn’t see me.  I just wasn’t in the mood to talk (pre coffee and all).

And then I got home and had my coffee and started to think about how the story of me and him (there was never an “us”) is a pretty great example of how timing really is everything.  He and I met online.  He approached me and we moved pretty fast (lots of emails, phone calls, etc).  My first impression of him was that he was gorgeous and perhaps a bit too pretty for my taste (I’m really not into the pretty boys, for lots of reasons) but also pretty damn smart and successful.  And we seemed to have the exact same taste in just about everything.  Seriously – music, art, travel, theater, how we like to spend our free time.  It was the first time I’ve ever met someone who seemed to like exactly what I liked.   And that was kinda neat.

Anyway, our first date was coffee at an outdoor cafe on a beautiful sunny afternoon.  It went well, but it was “off”.  As much as we had to talk about, and as objectively hot as I knew he was, I wasn’t all that attracted to him and I got the sense that he wasn’t all that attracted to me.  The chemistry just wasn’t there.  But at the end of the date he asked if he could see me again and I couldn’t think of a good reason to say no (hanging with him was fun and easy).   He emailed the next day and we made plans to get dinner at one of the better restaurants in my/our neighborhood (oh, yeah, and he lives near me).

Sometime in between the first date and the second date I met the man that would become my last serious boyfriend (aka, the evil ex-boyfriend, aka M).  And he and I had 2 dates, 2 days in a row.  And I knew by the end of date 2 that I wasn’t interested in any other men.  But I kept the date (it was the day after my 2nd date with M).  And it was great.  We laughed a lot and had a great conversation and, honestly, if I hadn’t just met M it might have been the start of something.  Might have…

Within days, me and M were in full relationship mode.  I was meeting his friends and visiting him at work.  And when this guy emailed about a 3rd date, I sent him a reply telling him how much I enjoyed meeting him and that I really meant that but that I’d met a guy – a boyfriend.  And he replied with best wishes.

Jump ahead to months after M and I split up.  I reactivated my online dating account.  One of the first people I hear from is this guy.  He sent me an email to my personal account and we started chatting again and made plans pretty much right away to meet for drinks at a local bar.  And it was great.  He was the perfect person to go on my first date post break up with.  He made it so easy,   And suddenly, I started to think that maybe there could be some chemistry hiding there.

The next morning he emailed, inviting me over to his place for a home cooked meal later that week.  Now, as I’ve mentioned before, when a guy invites me over to his place I consider it code for “I’d like to see you naked”.  I accepted the invitation, but honestly, I was stressed as hell about it.  He and I had only seen each other once, recently.  The other 2 dates were pre break-up/relationship with someone who, truth-be-told, I wasn’t 100% over.  I felt rushed.  But I thought he was a great guy and I wanted to see how things worked out with us.  I wanted there to be an us.

Then, the morning of the date, I got an email from him cancelling.  He’d met someone else.  He was sorry, blah blah blah (all the things I said to him) but he wasn’t the kind of guy to juggle women.  And that was a year and half ago and he hasn’t yet returned to online dating.  At least, none of the sites I use.

So when I saw him this morning, me looking like something a cat just spit up, I avoided him.  For no good reason other than that I think of him as someone who I could’ve maybe had a relationship with if things worked out differently.  Maybe I should’ve picked him over M, way back when.  Most women would have (better looking, more accomplished…).  But I went with chemistry.

Or maybe everything is exactly the way it’s supposed to be.  Yeah, that’s probably it.  And I probably need another cup of coffee.

I miss Spring.  Just last week it was winter and then yesterday it was too hot to sleep.  Yes I have an air conditioner. But I was too stubborn to turn it on.  It’s April.  We’re not supposed to need our air conditioners in April.

So because the universe has decided that we no longer need spring and because I’m stubborn, I didn’t sleep last night.

So, what’s this got to do with my dating life?  Well, the universe is trying to hand me all kinds of shit that I find unacceptable and I’m fighting back.  Being stubborn. Saying no, that’s not good enough for me.  And because of that I’m finding myself dateless.

Coach and I went back and forth and back and forth trying to see if we could get together yesterday. But he was being so lame about it.  He kept saying he wanted to see me without giving me a time or any idea of what he wanted to do (in other words, he’s still the man with no plan).  And I had other things I had to do with my day.  I pointedly said, what do you want to do – specifically.  And he didn’t respond to that. So we didn’t get together at all.  LAME.  I like the guy, but if he can’t do something as simple as make a plan for a date then he and I can’t work. I’m sorry.

Then the European gets in touch with me last night and says his flight is really a day later than he remembered it being and lets get together before he goes.  But I’d already told him I have other plans for tonight.  I’ve got family stuff going on for the next few days.  So he was essentially saying, change your plans for me.  And I said no.

So I’m tired and cranky and dateless.  And hot.

Sometimes the universe really sucks.  But dammit, I’m standing my ground.

Oooh, now for some blog business.  It occurred to me that I have some newer readers who may not know the ebb and flow of my posting schedule.  On Mondays I post “Best Date Spots” suggestions.  My ideas for where to go and what to do on dates.  You can find all of those by clicking on the Best Date Spots tab on my header.  And then on Wednesdays I do polls and now Fridays I’ve starting doing lists.  I’m just trying to keep it interesting.