You know how some topics just seem to keep coming up? Over and over. Well lately it seems like wherever I look, people are talking about their partner’s ex.  Specifically they’re facebook stalking the exes, or obsessing about the ex in some other way.

I gotta say, I find this BIZARRE. Not in a judgy way, more in a I’ve moved to a new country and everyone behaves differently way.

I can tell you, with absolute certainty, that I’ve only ever googled a guy’s ex 2x and each time I had a pretty compelling reason to.  The first time was when I was dating one of the guys with a stalker (real stalker, restraining order and all that). The stalker started to stalk his ex-wife, too.  So I asked him how the stalker found his ex-wife and he said she was pretty easy to find, that there was something on google that had both of their names and then when you just googled her…  So I had to.  It was practically a requirement (and that’s when I found out that I was basically the younger version of her, uber-creepy).

The next time was also a requirement.  I was dating someone who mentioned his ex-wife (it was in relation to a story about their son) in a very, you know, kind of way. The tone of his voice made it seem like he assumed I knew who she was.  And I didn’t. Of course, when I got home that night/the next day I immediately googled him and there, on the 2nd or 3rd page, she was.  She was/is a actress.  I’m so not into web-stalking my dates (really, really not) that I didn’t bother reading enough of his google hits (back when we first starting dating and I googled him for some basic info) to find her.  But then once I did, I had to dig further into her…

Anyway, for today’s question I want to know if I’m weird for never checking this stuff out and then checking in (all the time) on the exes.  Is that kind of thing the norm?

Do you cyber-stalk your date’s/significant other’s ex?

• Yes. I can’t help myself. (27 votes)
• No. Why should I care what he/she is doing? (43 votes)
• I don’t cyberstalk, but I do check every once in a while. (38 votes)
• Other. Please explain in the comments. (4 votes)

First, let me state that this post is not meant to offend anyone.  Anyone who reads it and is subsequently offended should, perhaps, set aside some time for self-reflection as the only people who would be offended by this post are those who are full of shit.  And if you’re full of shit and I’m pointing out that you are, in fact, full of shit then you have no right to be offended.  I’m just stating the truth.

Each and every day I check to see what brings people to my blog.  A big chunk of my visitors come to me directly, without any referral like google or twitter. But a large subgroup does find me via search engines.  And I love reading their search terms.  Frequently they google questions like, “if he hasn’t called for 4 days does he not like me” or “how do I know if a guy just wants to get laid”(both real).  The variety is endless.

I don’t really understand why people would be googling these questions, but there are lots of things I don’t understand.

Like why some people think they have the right to call themselves dating and relationship experts.

As you all know, I spend hours every week surfing the web.  And I skim the content of at least a dozen “experts” sites/columns.  Most of them are full of shit. Not only are they full of shit, but some of the advice they dole out seems unkind, unhelpful and frequently downright bad, IMO.

I just don’t get it.

I am not a relationship expert, but a few times a week I have readers send me emails asking for my opinion.  I always give my honest opinion and I always tell people that they shouldn’t take anything I say too seriously, because what do I know – not much.

In the end, my advice usually boils down to a few simple things – be kind, be honest, don’t be too willing to trust someone who hasn’t earned it, don’t be afraid to try, enjoy your life.  I avoid placing blame or encouraging anger.  I avoid rants.  I tell people that I wish them luck and that they shouldn’t be too hard on themselves.  That everyone makes mistakes.  Not much more than that.

But from what I read from the different experts, that’s all really bad advice.  Really bad.  Single people can’t be happy.  Someone’s always at fault.  Rules must be followed.  People must be changed.  Books must be read.

Bite me.

Yeah, I’m actually mad about this.  I just read a couple of spectacularly awful things this week and I’m done pretending that it doesn’t matter.  It does matter.    When single women and men are constantly being given the message that a) being single is a bad thing and b) you’re single because you’re doing something WRONG – it matters.  To me.

OK, rant over.

I know that only a small percentage of my readers read the comment threads (hey, it’s your loss, sometimes the comments are the best part of the post).  Well, I take my comments very seriously, try to respond appropriately and even take people’s advice when I think it’s appropriate (some of the changes I’ve made to the site over time have been made because of reader’s comments).

Anyway, yesterday someone wrote in that I should talk to guys on the phone before meeting them out on a date.  That I should be using those phone calls to screen guys, to gather info about them, as a matter of safety.  I think that’s a load of crap.  A guy could just as easily lie on the phone, as he can via email.

I do take my safety very seriously.  I’ve written about this before.  I don’t think I need to do background checks on guys or go to any other extraordinary  measures.  Just use some common sense.

Here are some of the steps I always take (for the full list – check out this link):

1. Make sure you have an email account that is set up expressly for the purposes of online dating.  You can also use this account for online shopping, if you want.  Do not have this account traceable to you in any way.  Do not use your last name on the account.
2. Do not give your last name out if you are google-able.  Not everybody is, but most people are.  You do not want people to know your place of employment until your are ready to disclose that information.
3. Do not use your landline for phonecalls until you are sure you want someone in your life.

Implied in this list that I always meet men in public places.  Who doesn’t know that – good god!