Last week was so intense, full of so much drama. I couldn’t imagine, while I was in the thick of it, how it was going to turn out.

And then on Saturday morning I had a chat with another one of my good guy friends.  Someone older and wiser.  The person who said, after things imploded with M the first time, “you didn’t really think that would work out, did you?”  And his perspective was very helpful.

He was pretty sure that one of two things was going on:

• That since M was 39 now (my age) that maybe he was going through what a lot of single and divorced guys go through around their 40th birthdays.  That he could be thinking about wanting to settle down (again) and if that was the case he was rethinking missed opportunities…
• That M has another long trip to NYC coming up and he wants to get laid. Sure, he could find someone else to fuck while he’s here.  But we’re good together.  And maybe he’s thinking that enough time has passed, that I’ll forgive him enough and he can be an occasional fuckbuddy.  For when he’s in town.  This is sooooo not going to happen, btw.

And then, later in the day, it hit me – there was also a pretty likely 3rd option. M was acting on a whim. He was thinking about me for whatever reason and he reached out to connect, not thinking for a moment about the effect it would have on me.

And suddenly it seemed ridiculous that I was sitting in my apartment in NYC wondering about his motives. Wasting my time worrying about it.  Because I’m not a mindreader.  I was never going to know until I asked.  So I sent him an email and told him I was home and willing to talk.

Later in the day he called and we talked, for all of about 5 minutes.  It was a pleasant conversation.  Weird and pleasant.  Mostly small talk actually.  M does that.  He likes to pretend that everything is fine, wants to ask about my work and shit.   Avoids the ugly.

And then, after he said how nice it was to hear my voice, I asked him why.  Why now? And he said something vague about doing some thinking lately.  And I left it at that.  I’m not going to probe and prod.  If there is a forward for us to move towards, he’s going to have to do the driving.

So that’s it.  I know that he’s busy for the next two weeks wrapping up a project.  And he knows that I’m also busy right now trying to launch a couple of new projects. And maybe this will all come to nothing.  And maybe it won’t.  But I did what I felt I needed to do. I reached out and asked.  No more guessing games.

On Fridays I usually almost always frequently do list posts.  You know, 7 Reasons I Like... or 5 Things Men Should Do….  I do them because they tend to be popular.

Today’s list(s) are going to be of an entirely different type.  Probably not as popular.

First, an update, it’s been about 48 hours since I received those emails from M (the one I posted and the second, more personal one).  I have not communicated with him in any way.  He is leaving it for me to contact him.  I know him well enough to know that, and he knows me well enough to know that that’s the smart thing to do.

I still have no idea what I’m going to do.  Really.  This isn’t about me drawing you into the story and dragging it out for as many days as I can.  I’m honestly and sincerely confused.

I spent some time on the phone with one of my best friends last night and I was almost hoping that he’d take a strong stand against my ever speaking to M again.  He’s done so in the past.  But this time, after hearing all the new details, he wasn’t in a rush to pass judment.  He was saying things like, “maybe it took him this long to realize what happened…”.  And when I asked him (my friend) if he thought that M was a good person, deep down. (This is important to me.  It’s probably something I’ll write about at another time.  But I do actually need the man I love – yes I just used the L word – to be a good person. At one time I was certain that M was a good person.  And then I was certain he wasn’t.)  He said yes.

My friend had two questions for me: 1)  Am I over M?  2) Do I want to be his friend?

I didn’t answer.

Which brings me to these lists.  My problem is that everything in relation to M is a memory.  I don’t really have active feelings for him (which I think means that I’m over him).  But when I remember - whoa. There is a flood of good and flood of bad memories.

I Remember (Good Memories)

• I remember how easy it was to be with him.  I didn’t have to try to be anyone but myself.
• I remember how supportive he was of me and my wishes/dreams/happiness.  I never would have taken my own writing seriously if it weren’t for him telling me I should/could to it.
• I remember how how much fun we had together.
• I remember how much effort he made to blend our two very different worlds together.
• I remember how hard he tried to stay in touch with me while he was away.
• I remember how safe I felt with him.  Even when it became clear to me that things were messy (that the “I’m moving to NYC in a few months” thing was not a sure thing).  There was something special about just being together, even if I had no idea what the future was going to bring.
• And yes, the sex worked quite well, too.  I really do miss that.

I Remember (Bad Memories)

• I remember the drastic shift in his personality and actions, how cold and indifferent he got.
• I remember feeling pushed away.
• I remember him telling me it was my imagination.
• I remember crying in his arms because I’d just dropped everything to spend the weekend with him and the only time he even looked at me was when we were fucking.
• I remember finding out that he had an active online dating profile, months into our relationship.
• I remember him not being there for me when I really needed him.
• I remember several attempts at “friendship” that failed because he dropped the ball.

It’s a lot. A lot to process. And like I said, these are not really active feelings. Sure, I miss the sex. But I wouldn’t be missing it if I were having great sex with someone else.

M has asked me if we can be friends.  That question has kicked up all of these memories and more.  The good ones and the bad ones.  And the bad ones, frankly, outweigh the good.  There is a part of me that thinks these all need to get buried again.  For good.  And another part that thinks that I should try, again, to be friends with M.  And if that leads to something more (for all I know, he’s got a gf) then…

Anyway, I don’t think I’m going to let this drama take over my blog for too many more posts.   Talk about beating a dead horse.

A couple of things:

I haven’t bothered to delete the nasty comments from the last two posts, even though they clearly cross the line.  I also have no intention to correct the many factual errors made.  Here’s what I will do, point out for the nth time that I can’t imagine how sad, pathetic and empty a person’s life has got to be for them to spend time reading and leaving hateful comments on the blog of a person they clearly don’t respect.  Go get a life. You’re not wanted here.

In the future, I will return to my old way of dealing with comments, that is, deleting the nasty ones as soon as I see them and responding to the rest.  I have honestly just been too overwhelmed to do that these last few days.  Apologies.

Now, I’m sure there were more than a few people who wondered, “Why the fuck did she post that email?”.  I didn’t just paste it up right away.  I thought about it for a while and then called a couple of friends and asked for advice.  There were lots of reasons to not do it.  Lots.  Lots.  And only one reason to do it.

This is what I do.  I tell the truth about my life as it relates to dating, relationships, etc.  I don’t sugar-coat it.  I don’t leave out the bits where I humilate myself. I share it all. And so when I overreacted the other night (And yes, I know it was an overreaction, I’m not a nitwit) and got seething mad over M’s (I’m reverting to calling the evil ex, “M” as I did earlier in the blog) email and sent him a reply, thereby messing up the DTM rules I felt it was important to admit that here.  Because I fucked up.  It was a dumbass thing to do.  I wasn’t proud of it.  But it happened.  And I was willing to share that with you as a part of my truth.

Somehow I have a feeling that the majority of people reading have done something in their lives, in relation to dating/relationships, that they’re not proud of.  Or maybe not.  Maybe most of you are perfect?

When M sent me that email the next day, I was devastated.  In it he says things that, well, let’s just say his explanation of events and his feelings are news to me.  Just as I finished reading that email, I received a second one from him, saying more things that he’d never said.  More personal things.  The power of the two combined sent me into a temporary spiral/crying fit.  Pathetic.

If anyone had asked me last week if there was a chance, ANY CHANCE, that me and M would ever sit down in the same room and talk, I would have said, “hell no”.  And now, honestly, I’m not so sure.  There is this little voice inside of me saying, maybe the reason you haven’t met anyone who makes your heart sing is because…

And then my brain kicks in and says, no fucking way.  He’s manipulating you.  You’ve already given him plenty of chances to make things right with you.

Anyway, this is what’s going on with me.  This is my drama.  I should know better.  I do know better. But that doesn’t make it any easier.

I feel like I have to remind you guys, every once in a while, that I’m a real person.  Just in case you forget.

I spent most of this morning crying.  Over stuff that I’ve been keeping to myself.  Well, only sharing with my closest friends because I didn’t want someone who might read this blog to find out about it.

But someone hurt me.  Someone who has hurt me many, many times before.  Someone who seems to take great pleasure in hurting me.

I’m not sure why, exactly.

Anyway, it’s exhausting.  Really exhausting.  The manufactured drama and the lack of sleep.  All of it.  And the last thing I need is people who don’t know me making my life more difficult here on the blog. So when I ask, repeatedly, for people to just be a little nicer to one another and to me here in the comments, I’d appreciate it if people would listen.

I love this blog, I do.  And I love reading the comments.  But I’ll shut them down completely if people continue to be pricks.  That is all.

OK, so I’m willing to admit that there never was a real crisis.  I only thought there was.  I was feeling vulnerable and sad and I let my imagination get the best of me. It happens.

But, you know, I wasn’t always like this.  I’m pretty sure I used be pretty mellow about this kind of stuff.   It might sound counterintuitive, but after years of dating I’m actually more likely to get stressed out about that kind of thing, now, than I used to be.  Because I’ve seen it all before.  The guy who’s sweet and considerate and treats me great.  Until one day he doesn’t.  Until one day he decides, for reasons that I will never understand, that he will stop being great.  And so I am forever on the lookout for it.  Kind of like the veteran cop who thinks everyone is a crook.

But so far I have no reason to believe that Mr. Potential is a crook (going with the metaphor for a second longer). He texted me goodnight and then good morning.  I was sitting in an office, waiting for a meeting to start when he texted me this morning and so I sent him a quick text back.  And then my meeting was cancelled.  I’d trekked all the way across town in the rain in a nice suit for a meeting that was cancelled 15 minutes after it was supposed to start.  I happened to be closer to Mr. Potential’s apt than mine and he frequently works from home, so I gave him a call.  I was in good spririts and figured that if he had 20 free minutes I could take him out for coffee.

He answered right away and asked me about my meeting and unfortunately he was working at a client’s this morning so we couldn’t have coffee. I told him he should go (not good to take calls when you’re with a client)  and as he was hanging up he asked if we could get together tomorrow night.  So that’s that. I said yes and he said he’d call later.

I assume it will be a pleasant, low drama call.  I’m assuming the rest of my week will be pleasant and low drama.  I’ve already created as much drama as I can personally deal with this week.  I don’t want anymore.

Oh and I’ve updated the Song of the Day.  I am so over the rain.  It’s Another Sunny Day, by Belle & Sebastian.