So I have a date tonight. I haven’t been writing about my dating adventures lately. Not because I’m NOT dating (although I’m not dating MUCH, comparatively speaking). But because I’m just bored with it all.

Not the dating. But the same old story. Girl meets boy. Most likely online. They go out on a date. Maybe 2 or even 3. And then…

Nothing. There’s no reason to go on. Maybe he’s just not into me. Maybe I’m just not into him… There’s nothing THERE. Not because he’s a bad person. Or because I’m unreasonable or too picky. But because there are millions of people in the world. And I’m not a good match for most of them.

Hell, I might not be a good match for any of them.

So, as long as I’ve bothered to say this much. Here’s some other random shit:

I don’t have a type. Unless you count, relatively smart, kind and not ugly as a type. The guys I’ve been dating fall all over the spectrum in looks, careers and even age (though not younger guys).

I would rather stay home and read than go on a 3rd date with someone I’m only meh about.

I’ve been spending a lot of time at various doctors over the past few months. It occurred to me the other day that I’m happier dealing with that nonsense on my own. It’s lonely and scary. But I don’t have to worry about anyone else’s reactions and feelings. Just my own.

Dating can still be fun at 41. But it’s less fun than when I was in my 30s.

“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”

— Maya Angelou

So I have a couple of short stories to share with you. And hopefully I’ll be able to tie them together in a coherent way.  Hopefully.

Story #1)  A long, long time ago (in a world that seems far, far away but is really just a subway ride from my apt) I used to supervise several departments/teams. And that means doing quite a bit of hiring and sadly, some firing. At one point, me and one of my team leaders were discussing a new hire.  She’d started less than 2 weeks earlier and both he and I were disappointed with her performance.  Especially since we’d done a lot of interviewing for the position and she really seemed a good match for the job and for the team.

I’ll never forget what he said (because it was just so damn smart). No one tries any harder than they do during their first week at a new job. People can learn new skills, but they don’t suddenly become more motivated or start working harder.

Skip to Story #2) I was having brunch with friends yesterday. And someone asked if I’d spoken to that guy I went out with a couple of times. And what, if anything, was happening with that. And so I told her that yes, we spoke (since I last wrote about it). And he knew that I was going to be out of town for most of the week, last week. And that, while there is a part of me that likes him, the smarter me is not willing to make an effort with him. Because his first few efforts have been so inconsistent. And I’m feeling like he might have shown me who he is. And that person is not someone I should date.  Or maybe I am misreading the situation because he reminds me of other people. And so I am willing to be open and rethink.  To a point.  Maybe.

Here is what I know for sure, everyone loses when you live in denial. There is no excuse for not firing the lazy employee who’s showing up late and slacking off on her second week of work in the hopes that somehow things will get better.  The sooner you fire her and move on, the better.  And there is no excuse for dating someone who has already shown you that they don’t care about you/your feelings and are completely self-involved in the hopes that that will someday change.

The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.  It’s damn smart advice. I just have to learn to live it. Everyday.

Very short post this morning. A catch you up on dating stuff post.

So, remember last weekend when I cried on that date? Days passed and I didn’t hear anything from that guy. So I kinda figured good riddance and was happy to move beyond whatever weird emotion he sparked in me (I was thinking it was a Danger Will Robinson kind of thing).

And then I get this bizarre email from him, 6 days after our date. Saying he was out of town. And that he wanted to call but didn’t want to put me on the spot. And that he likes me. And he’d like to be in my life, even if it’s just as friends. Or something to that effect.

I was kind of shocked. It had been 6 days.

After thinking on it for a while, I called him. The next night. Left a VM. He texted me a few hours later and said he’d call when he got home. That was the last I heard from him.

And so we’ll see.  I really have no idea how I FEEL about any of this/that.

It’s not particularly late on Tuesday morning and I still haven’t heard from the potential new man in my life/aka Mr. 3 Dates. We ended our date on Sunday night with a rather chaste kiss on my corner (he hasn’t yet made an effort to really kiss me, even though he’s said some rather grand things).  Moments earlier I’d handed him a card with the name of my blog and my pen name (we talked about it over drinks, but didn’t address it by name).

I have to assume that he went home and read some of it. And maybe didn’t like what he saw?

I don’t know.

All I know is that I feel like I should have maybe heard from him by now. Especially as I’d just revealed this big thing about myself to him. Made myself vulnerable.

Anyway, I’m feeling disappointed.  Like I picked wrong.  Again. I was thinking (hoping), just maybe, I’d found someone who could be that person.  And now I don’t feel that way.

Maybe it’s too early.  Maybe he just needs time to digest whatever new info he’s gleaning about me?  Or maybe I am only capable of really liking the wrong men?  Still.

Yesterday I wrote about a conversation I had with a friend about my ideal man (and not a single one of you mentioned the picture of a robot I used to go with the post – it was a joke people, my ideal man = robot, sheesh). One of the many other things we talked about was my recent date with Mr. Midwest. It was our 3rd date.  And it was fine.

Perfectly fine.

We get along well.  He seems to be a good guy.  I have no reason not to be swooning over him.  But I’m not. Swooning.  I feel nothing.

Yet I’m dating him. I don’t know for how much longer.  Especially since this is so clearly destined to turn into another one of my empty relationships.

I’m not sure how it happened but somehow I’ve mastered the 2-6 month empty relationship.  The, we like each other and enjoy hanging out and having sex but neither of us sees a future, empty relationship. The ones where you’re both always polite and careful with each other’s feelings, you don’t exchange birthday/xmas gifts and you make sure not to get too close. The relationships that leave you feeling a little lonely, sometimes.

I seemed to have squeezed a whole bunch of those in in the last 5 years.  Not because I wanted to. Most of the time I was thinking, maybe I’ll grow to really care for him. I thought that if I just went through the motions, my heart would follow.

But I’ve been down this road enough times to know. It shouldn’t take that many dates to decide if I care about a person. Or could care. If I’ve already spent more than 10 hours with a guy and I’m still not feeling anything for him, then I probably need to accept the fact that I never will. Spending another 10-40 hours with him, just to see if something eventually sparks is only going to lead to disappointment somewhere down the line.

Which leads me back to the beginning of this post. I probably shouldn’t see Mr. Midwest anymore. It’s probably not a productive use of my time or his.  Probably.