Have you ever been having a perfectly pleasant conversation, and then all of a sudden someone says something that makes you realize OMG you really are an asshole?

I have this vague memory. I was hanging out with a boyfriend. I was already starting to realize that he might in fact be a bad person. But I was fighting that realization, because then all of the good thoughts I’d ever had about him would be wrong. And all of the hopes I had for our future were lies.

But I knew. The clues were everywhere.

So we were in a car. Going somewhere. Talking and listening to the radio. And a Vespa randomly passes us by. I didn’t think anything of it. FWIW, I like Vespas. If I lived in a different place, I might have one.

Anyway, he says, “Fat girls and vespas, they’re all fun and games until your friends catch you on one.”

I don’t recall my exact reply, but it might have been, “What the fuck?”

Jump forward to the other week. I was on a date and that phrase randomly popped into my head. Maybe, not so randomly. I was having an interesting conversation and a fun enough time. BUT I couldn’t help having a little meta conversation in my head.

Could you be attracted to this guy?

Maybe. Maybe not.

Stranger things have happened.

He’s a really decent guy. He at least deserves a chance.

But what would people think.

It was that last phrase that stopped me in my meta tracks. What would people think? How fucking old am I? Why should I care what people think?

But the truth is, most of us do. Care what people think. At least a little bit. It may not shape our major life decisions (well, for some people it does). But other people’s opinions do affect us. And, let’s face it, it can be really hard to LIVE as if it no one’s watching.

Even though… no one’s watching.

PS About this guy. He’s just a little odd. Well, more than a little. But then, so am I.

First, let me explain that title. I was tired of work and wanted to take a few minutes to finish up this post (I’d started it this weekend). But I needed help. And so I turned to my twitter friends.

@SimoneGrant Help! My brain is tired… What’s it called when you send a text to lots of people in the hopes that SOMEONE will answer?

@JugglingJenna Despair? J/K, I call it a “mass text.”

And hence, the title.

So, remember that guy who sent me the Icky Text? Well I told him that I would go out with him. Because I’m trying to keep an open mind and clearly I have bad judgement, still.

Then he immediately screwed it up. Instead of asking me out for an actual date, I got a series of texts asking me to meet him that night for drinks. In my book, asking a person out for a date means more than 4 hours in advance, preferably more than 24 hours in advance. The first time it happened, I legitimately had plans and told him so. And then, a few days later, I got a similar text (drinks that night). No notice. I was busy and told him…

The next time he texted (drinks, no notice) I didn’t bother to reply. Or the next time. The texts, they started to seem like mass texts. Like he was blasting every single woman he knew to see who was available each night. Who was willing to keep him company, or whatever.

Which I’ve heard of guys doing. Sadly.

And then it got sadder. The guy was going out of town for part of the summer. Summer rental. You NYers know what I’m talking ’bout. The kind of place that people invite their city friends out to for the weekend – not mentioning any names – not the Hamptons. Now, for the past few weeks I keep getting texts telling me I should come visit his vacation place.

Like that’s going to happen.

But I can’t help wondering… how many women are getting these texts? And is anyone desperate enough (for attention, for a break from the sweltering city heat) to take him up on his offer?

Get ready for another fab guest post! This week’s guest post is from Marrie, from the site Dirty in Public.

Dating Perfection: When the Resume is perfect but you can’t get that lovin’ feelin’

His Match profile was dating perfection, a complete résumé with everything I could want. So, why couldn’t I get that lovin’ feelin’?

*  A teacher
*  Divorcee for years, with a no drama relationship with an ex-wife, who was remarried
*  Active Parent; 50% custody of his son
*  World traveler
*  Home Owner
*  Good Looks
*  Witty; smart-ass sense of humor (a plus in my book)

I discovered after several late night phone calls that we had the same taste in movies, music and food. All of which are essentials in my book. I agreed to our first “date”, mid-morning coffee.

He arrived exactly on time and was more handsome in person than in his profile pic. Points scored.  He was warm and charming without being smarmy. I was thrilled. The coffee mini-date ended with mutual agreement to see each other again (no date/time set) and parted with a mutual smile. He scored some serious points. This was the first Match meet-up where I looked forward to the follow-up call. No swooning but saw definite potential.

He called on cue, two days later, to invite me out to dinner. We agreed to meet at the restaurant. It happened to be one of my local favs (he didn’t know that). He must have arrived slightly early, as I arrived right on time and he was right outside the door waiting for me. He looked even more handsome, shedding Saturday morning casual, for a more “put-together” Friday evening look. More points scored.

We went to a Thai restaurant, where he ordered in Thai, not to show off, well maybe a little, but to practice. You see he goes to Thailand every summer and needed to keep in practice. It’s something to see, a 6 ft. 3 white, blond haired, blue eyed guy speaking Thai, fluently. I gave him a little shit for being a show off, which he laughed at, appreciated and quickly dished a little quip back at me. More points scored!

We shared a wonderful evening, never dull and very comfortable. Even the moments of silence weren’t awkward. We ended the evening with a cocktail and as we were saying our goodbyes, he leaned in for the good night kiss. He delivered a perfect little kiss on the lips; the perfect end to a perfect evening. An evening that should have left me weak in the knees and with butterflies fluttering; however, I felt nothing. No sweaty palms, no dry mouth, nothing. I drove home wondering what was wrong with me. Why didn’t my boat float? Where were the fireworks? The fireworks and butterflies are my favorite part of the dating pastime.

Try Online Dating

Am I broken? Do I need to seek professional help? Is there a pill for this? If so, sign me up because there must be something wrong with me to feel, well, nothing. I carried on in denial for several more dates. I figured that if I just “will” it hard enough, the butterflies would migrate into my soul. The fireworks would appear. Yet, after each perfect date with this wonderful man it became clearer that the migration would never happen. No matter how much I wanted to burn with desire, I never felt so much as a spark. After the fifth date, I called it off. He told me and I could see very clearly, that the spark was there for him. I didn’t want to be a tease or waste his time. I would love to have continued to go out with him as a friend, but that was not what he was looking for, nor is it what he wanted from me.

So, why? What happened? To tell you the truth, I’m not really sure. I’ve had friends suggest that maybe I was trying to want something that society says is “perfect” and should want, rather than what I truly am attracted too. Maybe, it was my guts way of preventing me from entering a relationship that would never have worked out. Whatever the reason, the thing I know for sure, that this experience has taught me, is that the spark either happens or it doesn’t. You can’t manufacture feelings for someone that just aren’t there…no matter how hard you try. You either get that lovin’ feelin’ or you don’t!

A thought: This Sunday’s Guy’s Story could have just easily been called, ” The Day I Learned I Couldn’t Be Nice to Boys.” And the story would have worked just as well if Christian had been a woman and the girl in the story had been a guy (or 2 guys, or 2 women…).

People, in general, don’t respect doormats. And no one wants to date a spineless jellyfish. Male, female, gay, straight – we all want to date a kind and considerate person. AND we are all (OK, maybe not all) also turned off by people with no confidence who are always wishy-wishy and bending over backwards to please us. Some people like doormats, I guess.

It’s just the way people are. We’d rather spend time with an equal. Someone with a clear sense of self-respect who brings more to the table than, “whatever you want.”

Luckily, there’s a lot of room in between. A lot of ways for a person to be genuinely kind and thoughtful and also confident. It doesn’t have to be an either/or thing. Although sometimes it can seem that way.

Anyway, I wanted to mention this, as  some people seemed to miss that point entirely. And I’m really tired of listening to people preaching false dichotomies. TIRED.

I had a post all set and ready to go for today. It just needed a bit of polishing… And then I read The Big Girl Blog’s post this morning and she totally inspired me to write this.

Her post was called, How to Deal with Rejection. An important topic for any dater (or human being, for that matter), as everyone is rejected at some point. Let’s face it, no one is universally liked.

She tells the story of a date with a very rude man. VERY RUDE. I’m not going to retell it, as it’s well worth reading. Just go read it yourself. Anyway, it reminded me of one of my worst dates ever. A story I don’t think I’ve ever told here. Or maybe I have and I’ve forgotten about it.

It was one of those I-should-have-known-better dates. The guy only posted one picture, and it was arty and fuzzy and didn’t look much like anyone I’d recognize in real life.  But his profile was funny and he came off as smart and charming.

He’d asked me to meet him for a late afternoon coffee, on a weekend day. And he suggested a place for us to meet. I usually like it when men make concrete plans, but his suggestion was really inconvenient for me. I wasn’t thrilled with going such a long way for a coffee date, but I agreed.

The day came – and I remember this clearly (and I never remember anything) – the weather was horrible. Drizzly and humid. Extreme bad hair/I’d rather stay in and read weather. But I got my shit together and got there, on time.

I had NO IDEA what this guy looked like, his picture was that bad. So I stood outside the cafe in the nasty weather and hoped he’d see me.  Time passed, lots of time, until finally I called him.

He answered. He was sitting inside. He’d just walked in, right past me, just a few minutes before (about 15 minutes late for our date).

Anyway, when we finally got together at the table, he was horribly rude to me. He said something like, “I didn’t recognize you” with a negative tone. And he had this sour look on his face. Like he was disappointed.

Which really got under my skin. So much so that I remember the details of this date years later. Because here was a man who a) wasn’t particularly attractive b) didn’t post an accurate picture of himself online c) showed up 15 minutes late to a date that was in his neighborhood, and a total shlep for me d) was disappointed in me, even though the pictures I’d used online were recent and accurate.

Our date was miserable. He was about as rude as anyone I’ve ever tried to chat with. I remember him picking a fight with me over something related to my work (old career). I should have left early. Hell, I probably shouldn’t have bothered sitting down. But I stayed and finished my coffee. I don’t remember our goodbyes, specifically, but I do know that neither of us bothered with the, “it was nice to meet yous.”

I remember feeling like shit when I left. He had me questioning myself. Had I suddenly become much less attractive? Had I done something to deserve the way he treated me?

Eventually it hit me. NOT. ABOUT. ME. Some people are just assholes.