Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

And Sometimes People Want to Get Caught

So earlier today I got a call from one of my least favorite people on the planet, asking me for a favor. I’m one of those weird people who actually answers her phone (most of time) even when I don’t recognize the number. 

This guy is an acquaintance who happens to be one of the most selfish, arrogant, manipulative people I’ve ever met. And he was asking me for a favor. 3 things:

1) Some people have no shame

2) I was as kind to him as I could force myself to be (even though I really wanted to just hang up) because I believe in being kind, whenever possible.

3) The whole situation reminded me of someone I used to know. A former friend who had no shame, who was always calling and asking for inappropriate favors. For instance, she called me the day of my mom’s funeral to ask me for advice on her love life. Because that was clearly more important than my mom’s funeral. Like I said, former friend.

Anyway, I never thought I’d tell this story here, but I think enough time has passed…

Sloppy segue.

Sometimes people behave badly. Single people, married people. They behave badly. In ways that they’re ashamed of. They do horrible things. Lie, . Lie about .

And sometimes (frequently) they want to get caught.

So for example, sending emails to your ‘boyfriend’ from your husband’s computer and then not logging off. That’s a sign that maybe you want to get caught.  Talking to your ‘boyfriend’ (even in a whisper) while your mother-in-law is in the next room. That’s a sign that you might want to get caught. Showing up hours late, together/in the same car, to a work event with your ‘boyfriend.’ That’s a sign that you might want to get caught.

I have no idea why any person cheats. There are certainly plenty of studies that attempt to explain in. And I’ve had cheating friends attempt to explain their behavior to me (not that anyone owes me an explanation). But I still don’t get it. Never will.

Even more mystifying to me is why cheaters behave in ways that clearly demonstrate that they want to get caught, and then act surprised and horrified when it actually happens. None of it is smart or rational. Or anywhere near honest.

The only thing that makes sense to me, when I see people behaving like this is that they’re deeply unhappy. Unhappy and unable to admit it to themselves and to everyone else in their lives.

Anyway, it’s rainy and miserable in NYC and I find myself reflecting on shameless, miserable people. Go figure.

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6 to “And Sometimes People Want to Get Caught”

  1. Dennis Hong says:

    I think for some people, it’s an easy way to get out of a relationship. Or, they’re unhappy in a relationship, but also unable to communicate their needs, so this is their way of doing so.

  2. Becky says:

    Cheating is somehow more acceptable than saying “I don’t love you anymore” or “I’m just done being in this relationship”. Also, a cheater can blame the other person.. I cheated because you….
    it’s really stupid how the mind works sometimes.
    Becky recently posted..Today, words escape me. Or at least words you’d want to readMy Profile

    • Simone Grant says:

      Cheating is ‘more acceptable’ than just telling the truth? I don’t think you’re wrong. I just makes me sad. Again. Very, very sad. We human beings are seriously messed up.

  3. A friend of mine, a psychiatrist, said that if he found his wife cheating on him he would sit down with her, have a cup of coffee and ask if this was something that could be salvaged, or if this was something she wanted to exit. Seems like an adult way of handling the situation.

    But that was a long-term relationship that had a lot of great history- in many short term relationships when cheated on I was happy to leave the relationship. It had become a relationship of inertia. In relationships of inertia when I looked and saw that I was in something that was not good for me, and others were paying attention to me- it was a relief to know that there was better out there. Sometimes I acted – and it never turned out well- that is, transitional people are just that – and if there is some substance to a person, it is always better to have that discussion with the coffee and decide to move on or work on things.

    I guess one of my proudest accomplishments is that there are a few long-term relationships I’ve had – and they are all good friends of mine now. The only one who isn’t was someone I should never have been involved with and knew it

    • Simone Grant says:

      Adult way of handling the situation. Yes. I know someone who did something similar. Kids were involved, etc. But in the end, the cheating was his spouse’s way of saying she didn’t want to be married anymore (and she didn’t want to actually say it).

      Sigh. Big sigh. I never will understand people. Although in these situations I think people are just petrified to admit they want out of the american dream lives that everyone is supposed to want.