I’m a fairly reflective person. I say fairly reflective because I have know idea where I’d fit on a scale from Not Very Reflective to Very Reflective (if this were a survey). I mean, really, how does anyone ever know what’s average and what’s more or less than average with something like this?
Anyway… I tend to think a lot about life. My life and life in general. And because I have a shit memory, I don’t really remember all of the little details of my life. Instead, I have flashes of memory. And with each flash is a feeling. Actually, the feeling is usually the strongest thing about the memory. If that makes any sense.
I wish I could say that the things I remember are all of the warm and fuzzies. The stuff that makes me smile. But instead, I can’t help but reflect on the hard stuff. The cringe inducing conversations and the days that made me cry. The battles I lost and the pain of heartbreak.
It’s like a sad movie playing over and over in my head. And I’m not sure why. Why I just can’t let it all go. Stop replaying the fight I had, on my birthday, with my two best friends in middle school that effectively ended our friendship. Stop replaying the bad interview from 1992 for that job that could have taken my life in a whole different direction, if only I hadn’t blown it. Stop replaying the conversation I had with my boyfriend/soulmate in 1990-whatever that ended our relationship.
Stop it all.
I used to think that the reason it all stuck with me was that I was trying to find solutions. Resolutions and life lessons. But I learned what I could from my childhood arguments and failed career opportunities a long time ago. Now it just seems like I’m torturing myself. Holding on to the angst.
So I have to ask myself… Is this normal? I know it’s not healthy. All of those negative thoughts and feelings rattling around inside of me, refusing to leave.
What about you? What do you remember from your life? Do you look back and think of the warm and fuzzies? Or are you stuck with dark memories? And if you’re like me, and you’re haunted by the mean thoughts, what do you do with them? Do you have some special mantra to make them go away?
Tags: memory, relationship