Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Mirror Mirror on the Wall

Mirror Mirror on the Wall my friends are awesome i am not a role model  2963094580 6da63793a6 232x300I’m lucky to have some pretty awesome . Awesome and talented. Awesome and talented in ways that I am so not.

It took me a year of living and working in my new before I could figure out what I might want it to look like – furniture and decoration wise. That stuff just doesn’t come easy to me.  Massive understatement.

So after a year of staring at blank walls and living with old furniture that didn’t quite fit in the space, I ordered a bunch of stuff that I thought would work in the new place. And then it all came and I had no idea where to put in all.

Which is a long way of me getting to today’s story –  this weekend, after much scheduling and planning, I got some of my awesome friends to come over and decorate my space. They rearranged furniture, hung pictures and MOST IMPORTANTLY – removed stuff that didn’t belong here. You see, the people who lived here before me left a bunch of stuff (shelves, wall mirrors, curtains…) and me being me – I didn’t remove any of it. For over a year. I just couldn’t be bothered. Even though I hated most of it. I just left it all and thought each and every day how much I hated it. But since I couldn’t figure out replacements, I didn’t do anything about it.

Yeah, I’m a little pathological.

Anyway, one of the things they left was this huge mirror in the bedroom. It took up most of a wall. And, honestly, I didn’t think much of. Considering all of the other weird things in the apt.

But then apartment makeover day rolls around and 2 of my friends (each of whom had seen the mirror many times before) tell me the mirror is bad feng shui = bad for my love life.  They’d never mentioned it before because they’d never been focused on it before.

So anyway… I don’t know if I believe in that feng shui stuff. But my love life could use some help. And I didn’t like the mirror anyway.  So it got tossed.

Speaking of mirrors…I’ve been having issues with mine lately. They’ve been mean. Very, very mean. Which, in some ways is weird.  I’ve been feeling well. My new new medicine is working well and everyone I know says I look great. But they mean that in a, “you look like you don’t belong in a hospital” way. Not, “you look ” way. I’m exercising lots more than I have in ages (took a lovely long walk this morning) and have been getting back into yoga.

But every morning I would get up and stare into the mirror and think about how bad I looked. Old and fat. Part of that (the fat) is that my appetite is out of control. It’s a side effect of the new new drugs. I’ve been down this road many time before and I just can’t expend the energy to fight the constant urge to eat. And the drugs work, so fuck it. I’m just going to have to try to eat a bit healthier and exercise even more.

And then there’s the fact that I am, actually, old(er). I’m 41. And at 41 it’s harder to keep weight off. My magic metabolism is dying down. And my youthful face is looking less youthful.

So what am I going to do about it? I can spend a lot of time and energy every day hating myself. I’m very good at it.  Or I can do something different. I choose B.

As long as I was removing things from my apartment, I went a step further. I also got rid of my full-length mirror. I didn’t chuck it completely, as sometimes I might need to know how I look. But I hid it in the back of my closet. So now the only mirror in my apartment is in my bathroom. Over the sink.  With really bad lighting.

So I no longer have anyplace in my home to look at myself in judgement. To think how fat, old and ugly I’ve become.  No more mean mirrors. BTWI’ve read about other women doing similar things, so I’m not being original here. 

Will this little experiment affect my self-esteem? I have no fucking idea. I just started. Here’s what I do know. I’ve never thought of myself as a vain person, and yet I keep looking towards those empty spaces, where the mirrors were. For some kind of negative or positive validation, I guess. Life is weird.

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10 to “Mirror Mirror on the Wall”

  1. Single Much says:

    I’ve heard that about mirrors. Something about love bouncing off of it into the opposite direction? Odd.
    Single Much recently posted..A Bridget Jones ‘Singleton’ MomentMy Profile

    • Simone Grant says:

      Who the hell knows. But I’m not one to reject advice from the ppl I love. Especially when it seems like am (almost) logical explanation for how badly my lovelife sucks.

  2. Magic metabolism – well, at 41 if you are not a patient of mine, your weight is just fine and will be.
    It was shocking when I looked in the mirror and discovered a number of smile lines and wrinkles. Since Botox is a part of my practice one of my nurses asked if I was going to get it– I said no. As much as the lines represented the aging that I would like to resist – I earned every damn one of those lines and won’t hide them. But that is what works for me. I’m glad it doesn’t work for others because botox is a part of my son’s college fund.

    • Simone Grant says:

      No, nowhere near patient of yours status:-) I’m still (from an observers standpoint) pretty small. But I come from BIG people and am supersensitive to weight gain. I refuse…

      I’m cool with the little crows feet. It’s the frown lines around my mouth that make me sad :-( Maybe I need to remember to frown less. And moisturize more.

  3. Nikki B. says:

    I commend this post. Yes, yes I do.
    Nikki B. recently posted..Project X: Narratives, or The stories we tell each other, and ourselves.My Profile

  4. Omani Jewel says:

    am so glad ur feeling better :-)… and your still young at 41 :-)

  5. Burgundy says:

    Life Begins at 40. You are not too young to be so stubborn thinking how fat, old and ugly you’ve become and you are not too old to stop caring about yourself and stop thinking about more good things that might come to your life. Feel young all over again. Enjoy Your life there are more things that will happen to you many opportunities to your career social life and to your love life and don’t ever let your self miss those opportunities just because of that Mirror. Stay Happy.

  6. Kyle says:

    I wouldn’t say that makes you vain. And 41 isn’t bad!
    Kyle recently posted..Baristas & Break-upsMy Profile

  7. I’ve been doing a lot more video phone lately with Skype and Facetime now becoming more mainstream. I think video phone has taken forever to take hold of our culture simply because most of us don’t like looking at our own face. I remember a few weeks ago, I started a video call with a friend and the first thing she said was, “ugh.. I hate the way I look.” to me, she looked fine. Me being me, I had to explore why I think that is.

    I recall something Betty White said about turning 90. She said the thing that surprised her the most is she didn’t FEEL 90 inside; she felt 18 or some very young age. And I think this biggest secret older people know about aging contributes to that! We’re all walking around much more attractive, much thinner, much younger than we really are because we feel differently inside (there is a recent Glee episode about this, but that would be weird to use it as evidence.. sooo… )

    I’m on the other side of 50 and the only way out of this is to embrace and train yourself. I hate looking at myself in videos, photos and conference calls but I went the other way. I embraced the mirrors, embraced the video camera and started using them to hone the image I wanted to project, to craft my public character. Like any other skill, it takes practice to get over yourself but it can be done. Like any opinion others have of you, it only has power when it gets in your head. The most powerful “other voice” is that one that plays constantly in our own head. :-)

    I say go the other way, all the way. Put the mirrors back and use them constantly to practice your craft in making your outside match your inside.
    Rufus Shepherd recently posted..ParentingMy Profile