I’m lucky to have some pretty awesome friends. Awesome and talented. Awesome and talented in ways that I am so not.
It took me a year of living and working in my new apartment before I could figure out what I might want it to look like – furniture and decoration wise. That stuff just doesn’t come easy to me. Massive understatement.
So after a year of staring at blank walls and living with old furniture that didn’t quite fit in the space, I ordered a bunch of stuff that I thought would work in the new place. And then it all came and I had no idea where to put in all.
Which is a long way of me getting to today’s story – this weekend, after much scheduling and planning, I got some of my awesome friends to come over and decorate my space. They rearranged furniture, hung pictures and MOST IMPORTANTLY – removed stuff that didn’t belong here. You see, the people who lived here before me left a bunch of stuff (shelves, wall mirrors, curtains…) and me being me – I didn’t remove any of it. For over a year. I just couldn’t be bothered. Even though I hated most of it. I just left it all and thought each and every day how much I hated it. But since I couldn’t figure out replacements, I didn’t do anything about it.
Yeah, I’m a little pathological.
Anyway, one of the things they left was this huge mirror in the bedroom. It took up most of a wall. And, honestly, I didn’t think much of. Considering all of the other weird things in the apt.
But then apartment makeover day rolls around and 2 of my friends (each of whom had seen the mirror many times before) tell me the mirror is bad feng shui = bad for my love life. They’d never mentioned it before because they’d never been focused on it before.
So anyway… I don’t know if I believe in that feng shui stuff. But my love life could use some help. And I didn’t like the mirror anyway. So it got tossed.
Speaking of mirrors…I’ve been having issues with mine lately. They’ve been mean. Very, very mean. Which, in some ways is weird. I’ve been feeling well. My new new medicine is working well and everyone I know says I look great. But they mean that in a, “you look like you don’t belong in a hospital” way. Not, “you look sexy” way. I’m exercising lots more than I have in ages (took a lovely long walk this morning) and have been getting back into yoga.
But every morning I would get up and stare into the mirror and think about how bad I looked. Old and fat. Part of that (the fat) is that my appetite is out of control. It’s a side effect of the new new drugs. I’ve been down this road many time before and I just can’t expend the energy to fight the constant urge to eat. And the drugs work, so fuck it. I’m just going to have to try to eat a bit healthier and exercise even more.
And then there’s the fact that I am, actually, old(er). I’m 41. And at 41 it’s harder to keep weight off. My magic metabolism is dying down. And my youthful face is looking less youthful.
So what am I going to do about it? I can spend a lot of time and energy every day hating myself. I’m very good at it. Or I can do something different. I choose B.
As long as I was removing things from my apartment, I went a step further. I also got rid of my full-length mirror. I didn’t chuck it completely, as sometimes I might need to know how I look. But I hid it in the back of my closet. So now the only mirror in my apartment is in my bathroom. Over the sink. With really bad lighting.
So I no longer have anyplace in my home to look at myself in judgement. To think how fat, old and ugly I’ve become. No more mean mirrors. BTW, I’ve read about other women doing similar things, so I’m not being original here.
Will this little experiment affect my self-esteem? I have no fucking idea. I just started. Here’s what I do know. I’ve never thought of myself as a vain person, and yet I keep looking towards those empty spaces, where the mirrors were. For some kind of negative or positive validation, I guess. Life is weird.
Tags: apartment, friends, sexy