Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Guacamole and Sarah Vaughan

Yesterday was an extremely stressful day for me, personal life wise. Lots of frustrating calls to the insurance company, drs office, pharmacy… THAT kind of day ( I know there are some of you who can relate).

Anyway, it ended with me crawling into bed with a great book (1Q84 - so unbelievably awesome) and reading until the wee small hours of the morning. I woke this morning groggy and cranky.

So, today. I didn’t want to stay cranky. When lunchtime came around I forced myself to shut down my computer and go for a walk. Which was hard because I’m swamped. But I did it because I needed to do it. I took a nice little walk and eventually landed at my favorite local Mexican dive. I grabbed some guac to go and then came home and ate the whole thing (a HUGE serving) while listening to one of my favorite albums – Sarah Vaughan at Mr. Kelly’s (while working, yes I can type and shovel chips and guac into my mouth).

Anyway, song 19 on the album is Sometimes I’m . It’s always been one of my favorites. But it also makes me cry a bit. In shame.

A long time ago, but not so long ago that I can’t still remember exactly how I felt, I woke up one morning and sent an email attachment of this song to a man I loved. We were falling apart. I was falling apart. And I didn’t have the words to explain how I felt. Then I thought of this song.

It’s only now, after of these years, that I realize how utterly wrong it is to feel that way. To pin my disposition on a guy. Some other human being who has his own motivations and feelings, completely separate from me.

Or maybe it isn’t wrong. Just unbearably sad.

Maybe it’s just part of the human experience.  How the fuck should I know? All I know is that I never want to feel that way again. And as much as I love this album, and adore this song, I can’t listen to it without thinking never again.

Sometimes I’m Happy,

Sometimes I’m blue.
My disposition
Depends on you.

I never mind
The rain from the sky
If I can find
The sun in your eyes.

Sometimes I love you,
Sometimes I hate you.
But when I hate you,
It’s ’cause I love you.

That’s how I am
So what can I do?
I’m happy when I’m with you.

~interlude~

Sometimes I love you,
Sometimes I hate you.
But when I hate you,
It’s ’cause I love you.

That’s how I am
So what can I do?
I’m happy when I’m with you.
I’m happy when I’m with you.


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2 to “Guacamole and Sarah Vaughan”


  1. Angie Star says:

    Wow loved reading this post…I almost started to fill up at the end. I think we all have a song that somehow touches us, reminds us of some important experience in our lives. Going through seperation, so sometimes I hear songs with lyrics that really touch me, reminds me of my life at the moment…
    Angie

  2. Do you think it is wrong to feel that way? IS not a bit of “co-dependency” a bad thing? Do not the moods of our friends rub off on us?
    When I leave the house for work my son (18 months) cries – not always, but sometimes. When I come home he is always happy to see me. I don’t mind that, but should I be making an independent little guy — no, I don’t think so.
    Sometimes we carry the notion too far that we have to be fully independent and not have our happiness depend on others – a bit too pop for me. Somewhere there is a balance- yes we can live independently quite well, but we can live together much better. Besides – when you are sick, there is nothing like someone fussing a bit and making the soup