Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Bottoms Up

Good morning all and welcome to Thursday. I’ve got a guest post for you all the way from the London, from the fab blogger Katy_Red  of All Sweetness and Life.

Bottoms Up

I had a date a few nights ago with a man. He was tall, attractive, had a lovely smile and nice shoes. He was well educated and amusing, He ticked all the boxes, shall we say. There is however an issue, a personality flaw I find unnerving. One which could hinder future relations and be detrimental to a long lasting courtship. He was drinking soda water.

We met a Piccadilly Circus and I was anxious at the prospect of having non-alcoholic beverages forced upon me, god forbid an evening constitutional or cartoon portrait in Leicester Square (what else do tee-total-ers do??). I do not do first dates . The minute a man suggests meeting up for a coffee date it’s game over. What are we going to do, queue up in Starbucks for a skinny decaff mochachino and a cinnamon swirl? Please we are adults, let us drink as such.

Put it this way, if wine were a man I would have married it long ago. I would have run down the aisle to gladly spend the rest of my life with a bottle of Cloudy Bay hazy and happy safe in the knowledge we will never fall out. I will never go off it, or crave anyone else. Government warnings? Don’t make me laugh, I’ve been to The Conservative Club; trust me they make a gypsy stag do look like a WI coffee morning.

Sadly I speak from the depths of sober experience. I dated a man for a year that didn’t drink. It was hell on earth. Not only did he not drink he positively embraced the bizarre state of existence by going to AA meetings 4 times a week. I mean how many times can you tell a room full of people nodding their head and drinking tea about the time you got pissed at your Nan’s wake and streaked down the church naked, so you were sick in your hand a couple of times and swallowed it back up because there wasn’t any tissues around – big deal, you drank meths a few times with a detol chaser, you were experimenting, get over it. When I was growing up if you weren’t passed out in a public toilet on a regular basis by the age of 13 there was something wrong with you, now your sectioned in the Priory after a family size packet of wine gums. What ever happened to getting well and truly plastered?

The date went well, he was fun and jovial, I drank wine, he drank juice and I intend to see him again. But, (and I’m sure some would say its frightfully narrow minded of me to judge gentleman on his consumption) I do fear for our compatibility, aside from anything else there’s the issue of sober first time sex,; count me well out. I am assured it is worth trying, a strange and mythical phenomenon I hear people speak of, what next I wonder, oral sex outside on a sunny afternoon, doggy style when you’re due on after a Sunday roast under neon lighting. I consider myself to be reasonably at ease with myself and confident but for heavens sake dim the lights and load my glass, I’m nearly 35.

Sadly, to make matters worse, his personal reason for sobriety is even worse than alcohol-ism. More shocking than 10 years in a bus shelter drinking mentholated spirits, cutting off your middle finger in a gin induced haze or shooting your boss in the head after a 3 day tequila binge. These things I could handle, could work around. Alas no, it transpires said suitor is a sober, clean living, liver loving, water drinking, yoga teacher.

This can only mean one thing, not only is he confident enough to stand in a bar on a Friday night with a mineral water, to take a young lady out and stay sober but and perhaps most disturbingly, he also totally respects his body and for the sake of his health will happily put on a pair of cycling shorts, and assume the downward dog on a Sunday morning with a clear head and a spring in his step. What a freak.

I will see the Dalai Lama again, because I think it is important to broaden my horizons, to start dating outside of my booze fuelled box. Who knows, it might turn out to be a revelation, I might find that vitamin water is just as exciting as pinot grigio, wheatgrass as buzzy as sambuca. That actually it might be quite fun to still have liver at 40, and that now might be a good time to start having grown up sober sex. Wow I might even remember his name the next morning and be able to go home with knickers on. I am opening my mind and emptying my glass. One things for sure though, he ever tells me that he’s “high on life” I’ll be at that bar quicker that you can say double Jack Daniels and an absinthe chaser. Sobriety is one thing being a total dickhead is quite another.

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11 to “Bottoms Up”

  1. Kalinka says:

    can i date without drinking? why would I want to? Please, i plan to name my children Bellini and Mimosa!

  2. Julie says:

    This summer I dated a sober alcoholic briefly until his addictions to pot smoking and nicotine gum nearly drove me mad. I had fantasies about how much better we would have gotten along if he were still drinking. Happily, the sex was still good.

    Today I’m back in the arms of a sober guy. This time he truly is a sober guy–instead of someone who’s just pretending to be one. So far–similar to your situation–so good. I like a lot of his qualities, he keeps wine in the house for guests (me included), and I’m enjoying the sex very much. We met at a happy hour, so I don’t think he has a huge hang-up about being around people who drink. That’s really the issue isn’t it? Being around sober people who give you attitude just because you get a little tipsy each afternoon right around 4:00? No thank you. Sobriety in others may not be so bad.

    And that’s a good thing. Because like you, Katy, I have a history with this stuff that I don’t intend to cut short now.

    Love the witty writing! I miss UK humor.
    Julie recently posted..13 Conversations about One Thing (Or, At Least 13 Times I Wish I Had Just Shut Up Already)My Profile

  3. Shannon says:

    WOW…. that was GOOD. the cross the pond humor doesn’t always translate well, but that was DAMN GOOD! Not only have I NEVER dated a sober man, 2 out of my 3 marriages have been to alcoholics (current marriage is on the fence, not the marriage but whether or not he is an alcoholic). and Kalinka – that is a very funny comment! promise me you won’t chicken out and give your names to your pets.

  4. Ronnie Libra says:

    Yes – I think the road to a good seduction and sex is definitely a good drink or 2 on the “day 2”. Some of the absolute most amazing, “I wish I would have filmed it” evenings spent with a beautiful woman have been on a bottle or two of some Red Wine, Sake, “Boat” drinks or some other intoxicant.

    Isn’t this a weird dynamic though, that when you FIRST meet someone at a bar or whatever, many woman say they don’t want to meet some drunk guy. Personally I don’t care if she’s had a couple of drinks or not, but I think the key is, mutual drinking. If you are drinking at the same pace as the person you want to see naked, then the vibe is always . . . nice.
    Ronnie Libra recently posted..I Had a Good Day – YesterdayMy Profile

  5. Cat says:

    Love this! I once dated a reformed alcoholic and my god was it boring. Sure, the sex was good, but without booze, it certainly wasn’t mind-blowing.
    Cat recently posted..It’s Not a Fairy TaleMy Profile

  6. Dazediva says:

    LOL fun post – so good to see Brit humour :)

    I think of it like this – whilst I like to get my drink on, and Vodka always has priorities – it’s not a bad idea dating someone who’s the sober one because at least you can have a laugh, and be taken home safely :)

    I’ve got a few friends who don’t drink a drop of alcohol, but they are just as much fun as my drinking friends. I know a couple where the wife loves her drink, and the hubby is always the designated driver ‘cos he doesn’t drink.

    Mutual drinking is fun; being around sober people is fun too as long as they aren’t the preachy, judgmental types.

    And for the record, yoga after a binge drinking night out – totally clears your head :)
    Dazediva recently posted..Looking Beyond Your Dating TypeMy Profile

  7. Sharmila says:

    Do you think this relationship can actually work? Not because of the lack of alcohol but the whole way of life. I mean he’s probably a vegetarian too ( it would make sense) what do you really have in commun?

  8. Anna says:

    I recently went on two dates: one in which the guy said he rarely drank (“I’m not drinking tonight, but YOU can….” “Er… no… water’s fine”) and we sat through a painfully awkward meal which, judging by his frequent texts, was not nearly as painful for him. The second guy talked about alcohol a bit too much. I get the since that he spends most Sundays in bed with a bottle of aspirin and a gatorade.

    I hate to say it, but I have a second date scheduled with the second.
    Anna recently posted..350 dates? That’s a lot of cabernet.My Profile

  9. katy says:

    Thrilled to see that it’s not just us brits that are partial to a tipple ; ) i wouldn’t have minded so much but he ordered a hot chocolate with his main course! needless to say we haven’t met since and my most recent date was with a man who showered me with cocktails all night. Now that, i enjoyed!
    katy recently posted..Bag Ladies.My Profile

  10. Yvie says:

    “Please we are adults, let us drink as such.” Ha!!
    I soooo agree. Having at least one nice glass of wine on a date tends to break the tension a little. Also, I find the thought of enjoying a glass of wine while my date is sipping on a diet coke disturbing. I will say that I’m not fond of drunk sex during our ‘first time’ together. I need to know right away if the sex is good – to make sure we’re sexually compatible. Being drunk or too tipsy may lead to me making one of my most common mistakes – dating/sleeping with the wrong person for too long…
    Yvie recently posted..15 Signs That You’re Not Into HimMy Profile

  11. I saw a t-shirt when I was at Heat nightclub on NYE. (Jonny Depp was there, so humble that man)

    Anyways, the shirt read;”Beer… Helping Ugly People Get Laid Since 1464″

    I’m with Katy, shower me with cocktails, we have fun then cock-meets-tail.

    Plain and simple lol 😉