Happy Sunday everyone. No matter what kind of weekend you’re having, I have a Guy’s Story that’s guaranteed to put a smile on your face. Guaranteed! Today’s post comes from the awesome blogger behind Yes Mom…I’m Still Single. Enjoy!
Sake + Gummy Bears = Love?
If you’ve ever read my blog, you can probably guess that I don’t usually sleep with a girl on the first date. Ha!…”usually”…that would imply that I’ve actually ever done it. Which I haven’t. Nope, not once.
Wait, wait, wait! Before you go scampering away from this post mumbling to yourself “I get exactly six fucking minutes of totally uninterrupted me time in the day, during which I just want to sit back and be entertained, and this jackass thinks I’m going to waste them listening to him talk about how he DIDN’T have sex? I don’t think so. “…this post involves first date sex!!! Wait, kissing is sex right? Oh. Ok fine, I didn’t have sex. But it’s as close as I’ve ever come on a first date…and as a bonus I’ll throw in a few snippets of some of my date’s dirty talk from that night, which was some of the most awesomely filthy stuff I have ever heard. How can you turn that deal down? You can’t. So here we go…
Rachel was a second degree setup; one of my good girl friends was talking with one of her good friends, and at some point it went something like “I have this great guy….”, “Hey! I have this great girl!”…kind of a ‘you got your chocolate in my peanut butter’ moment (and yes, I know I’m clearly dating myself with that reference). Anyway, that’s how it started. And since my friend didn’t know Rachel directly, I had very limited information before meeting her…tall, brunette, doctor…that’s all I had to go on. Which, while brief, is certainly not the worst description of a girl I’ve agreed to go on a blind date with (that title goes to my friend who described the girl she wanted to set me up with as “not what you’d traditionally call ‘attractive’, and some people think she’s boring, but I think you might like her.”)
When I called her, Rachel suggested we meet at her favorite little sushi place right around the corner from her house (already planning the easy escape if the date goes bad…well played Rachel, well played). Anyway, the place we were going didn’t take reservations, so I figured I’d get there a little early and get my name on the list. I was hanging out at the bar, when in walked HUBBA HUBBA! Tall…check. Brunette…check. Doctor…hmmm…well, she’s not wearing OR scrubs, so I couldn’t really tell on that one, but I’m clearly thinking to myself, please be her, please be her, please be her…..YES!!! as she walks up and introduces herself.
So we sit down at the table and before the hostess could even get out “enjoy your m…”, Rachel says “would you mind asking our server to bring over a large Sapporo and some warm sake?”…and then to me, “Is that ok with you? It’s been a long day and I could definitely use a drink.”
And awaaaay we go!
The next couple of hours were a flurry of beers, sake and funny, flirtatious conversation, which was only interrupted when the owner came over at around midnight, shoved the check in our faces and said “You two leave now!” And as we looked up to find a completely empty restaurant, who walks in the door but the mayor and his wife. So the owner looks at them, looks at me, shrugs and says, “Looks like we’re staying open. More sake and beer?”, to which Rachel immediately replies “Yes please!” before I can even process what’s going on.
Another hour later we get kicked out of the restaurant for a second time, and Rachel suggests we hit a bar around the corner for a nightcap. A nightcap? Wow. That really must have been some long day, because this girl clearly needed more than a drink. But sure, I’m game. I don’t remember a ton of what happened at that bar, but a few thoughts that I do remember going through my head…
Hey they have bowls of gummy bears on the bar!
Would I be eating these gummy bears if I was sober?
I like the taste of gummy bears in Rachel’s mouth.
Wait, when did I start making out with Rachel?
We really need to get out of here…
And we do, working our way back to her apartment with a few brief stops to make out in the street…in the elevator…in her hallway.
We finally get upstairs, barely get inside her place, and that’s when the dirty talk starts. Things like…
“You better be ready for a long night, because you’re not leaving until you have put your cock everywhere! And I mean EVERYWHERE!”
And it just kept getting filthier and filthier…you know, in a good way.
Clothes are coming off. And then…
“Oh god I love you so much!”
HUH?! Did she just…uhhh…
Ignore ignore ignore ignore.
Aw what the hell, we’re both wasted…
Clothes flying everywhere.
Into the bedroom.
Rachel grabs my hair, looks me deep in the eyes and says (with so much passion I almost believe her) “I am so in love with you!”
[Channeling my best George W. Bush imitation] There’s an old saying in California…I know they have it in Texas, they probably have it in California…tell me you love me on a first date once…shame on…..shame on you?…tell me you love me on a first date twice…if you tell me you love me…can’t tell me you love me again. (any excuse to use this)
Seriously, I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure that’s not love.
I really don’t know what to do at this point, but I figure a quick break to splash some water on my face probably isn’t the worst idea in the world…
And when I come back out of the bathroom, she’s out like a light. I’m not sure what’s going through my head. Laughter? Relief? Mostly laughter…with a healthy dose of sake swirling around up there as well. Anyway, I tuck her in, track down some Advil and water and leave it by the bed in case she wakes up (which I’m pretty sure isn’t happening any time soon) and stumble home.
And the next day I got the following email from the friend who set us up:
How’d it go last night? I forgot to tell you, Kelly said Rachel likes to drink.
I did actually go out with her again, because despite the first date “I love you”s, which I decided I would chalk up to so much alcohol consumed that she had no idea who I was, it was a really fun/funny night. But we both agreed, this time no booze. And unfortunately, without the booze, for some reason we just didn’t click the same way. And that’s not a good sign. So I sent her an email the next day thanking her but letting her know that I didn’t think it was going any further, and in reply, she sent me one of the funniest responses I have ever received:
Well, I can’t say that I’m not disappointed. I have just one question: am I the female equivalent of “Fun Bobby”?
So awesome! (Wait, is it ok to admit I understood a “Friends” reference?)
It was almost enough to give it another shot. Almost. But in the end I just thought our definitions of love were too different…I won’t go into what exactly my definition of love is, but suffice it to say, while sake and gummy bears might be a part of it, they are certainly not the cornerstones.
Though at 35 and single, maybe I need to reassess my definition. Who knows? Maybe sake and gummy bears are what it’s all about. Why did no one ever tell me about this?