Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

I Still Get to Say No

I Still Get to Say No my friends are awesome i am not a role model  online dating 278x225So a funny thing happens when you’re my age and still , well many funny things… One of those funny things is that there lots are people who assume you should “stop being so picky.”  And that the reason I’m single is that I’ve been turning away perfectly good guys for random, frivolous reasons.

Oh, and these people will share these assumptions with you. Loudly. Speaking of which, loved this recent post on My Pixie Blog – What Not to Say to Your Single Friends, Like, Ever.

And, even more funny, although I consider myself a fairly strong-willed person who is pretty unlikely to buy into groupthink, I’ve started to internalize this a little bit. Just a little bit.

So sometimes when I’m looking at my online dating inbox I find myself doubting my own judgement. Like last night, for instance. It was the first time I’d checked in in over a week. In that time I’d received 4 notes from the same guy. He was

- A bit too old for me (and as I usually date older guys, that’s saying something).

- Much physically larger than I’m comfortable with, both taller and wider. I’m VERY petite and have found that I don’t feel comfortable (physically) around guys who are much more than 100 lbs heavier than me. This guy easily has 150 lbs on me.

- Lives more than an hour from the city.

- Spends much of his profile bragging about his professional success and material wealth. Ick.

- The kind of guy who sends 4 notes in one week to someone he’s never communicated with.

And yet I found myself sitting there parsing his notes, thinking that he seemed like a decent enough man and maybe I should write him back. Because…

He’s so clearly a bad fit for me.  Age, values, whatever. And yet I was trying so desperately to convince myself that he wasn’t. Because, maybe I’ve just been too picky.

Anyway, it hit me like a ton of bricks that I was being a moron. AND that I rather like NOT going on bad dates with inappropriate men. And even more, it’s been about a year or so since I’ve dated any one person, and it’s been a pretty good year. Sure, I’ve had some crappy health stuff. But work’s been kind of awesome, I’ve had some great times with friends, moved into my lovely new (jinxed) apt.  Life is good.

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16 to “I Still Get to Say No”

  1. nathan says:

    I have done the same thing. I had a woman e-mail me multiple times recently who was obviously a bad match, and I found myself trying to rationalize that maybe things would be different in person. But had almost nothing in common, and when I said so to her, she insisted in two more e-mails that we should be “friends” then and let’s get together. I can’t imagine pushing that hard to meet someone who doesn’t even seem interested, but there she was, and there I was thinking “oh, maybe I should just give it a try.” The mind gets delusional sometimes.
    nathan recently posted..Issues with the Language of Dating AngstMy Profile

  2. Charlotte says:

    Thanks so much for the shout-out, girl!

    I know what you mean. I feel the same way, and it’s partially because I keep hearing that I should STOP being so picky. Uhh, I don’t think having standards means we’re picky. And the connection you feel to a certain someone is extremely important. If you can tell off the bat that you might not be attracted to someone romantically, then why go through the whole dating process? Not to mention, who emails someone 4 times without yet having received one response?! Strange.

    Also, I hope you’re feeling better, hunny. I have been dealing with some health stuff too lately, and it’s got me to thinking: do you think putting so much of ourselves OUT there makes us prone to certain stress-related issues?
    Charlotte recently posted..Finding Love: Rachel’s Happily Ever AfterMy Profile

    • Simone Grant says:

      Thanks darling. I have always pushed myself. I don’t know if being ‘out here’ has contributed to my stress level at all. If anything, my life is probably a lot less stressful now than it was 5 years ago (as I was reminded recently by former colleagues). Take care of yourself!

  3. Liz says:

    I’ve been told I’m too picky but also that my “picker is off.” In other words, I only go for losers and players and avoid men who are emotionally available. That one also makes me want to scream. I want to reply that I’ll accept that particular criticism as soon as the person doling it out shows me the line of attractive, compatible, age-appropriate, employed, commitment-oriented men that I’ve somehow missed.

    • Simone Grant says:

      It’s very easy for some people (maybe most people) to sit in judgment of others. But not everyone feels compelled to bind themselves to SOMEONE…. as opposed to a special someone.

  4. Completely agree with you Simone. Your standards are your standards and attraction and most importantly feeling comfortable are entirely your choice!

    Good post.

  5. Roxanne says:

    Yeah, I can’t believe the couple of men I have actually talked to, given my number to, even though I was not attracted to them at all, just because I think I’m supposed to “get out there.” It is not going to make me feel better to go out with guys who give me the ick. I appreciate that the pool of men available to me (on paper) is small, but I’m not going to swim in just any pool just to get my feet wet. That kind of thinking can make a person sick.
    Roxanne recently posted..Beyoncé and Jay-Z are Having a Baby!My Profile

  6. Claire says:

    Hi Everyone-
    I am just new to this blog and reading this conversation. There’s a book I love that says that when people tell you you’re being too picky, it’s time to push your standards higher! Of course we should be picky! This is someone you are going to spend A LOT of time with! The book is: If I’m So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single?

  7. sandi martin says:

    I have been divorced for over twenty years, and in all that time, had very few dates (at least, very few second dates…or as my daughter says, I’ve had “50 First Dates!”) I, too, constantly hear, “You’re Too Picky!” And while I readily admit it’s true, I just won’t, or can’t, date someone unless there’s SOME attraction there. My test is, “would I kiss him?” If the answer is an emphatic NO, then that’s the end of it. I guess what it all boils down to is this: I would rather be alone and lonely (at times), than be with someone and be lonely. That, to me, is much much worse.

  8. Eric C says:

    Good for you to come to your senses. The only thing you have to fall back on are instincts. If you cross them, you will find yourself in a world of trouble. Your gut will not steer you wrong.

    Or to put it a little better “Follow your heart.”
    Eric C recently posted..Google Alert – Dating TipsMy Profile

  9. SFSingleGuy says:

    Too picky – love it. Someone said the exact same thing to me after I told them I have been on 20+ online first dates this year. Better to be picky than miserable I say.

  10. Being picky is the only way we can retain our sanity. There are women who would drive me up the wall to date. Dating is about practice and finding someone you want a longer term relationship with. If I can’t be picky then there’s no point in dating at all.
    Ethan Alexander recently posted..Comment on 10 Of The Worst Pickup Lines In History by Ethan AlexanderMy Profile

  11. livewire says:

    $author , this is a blog.