Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

I Donwanna

Not feeling real articulate right now. It’s not that I don’t want to write. Or even that I don’t have things to write about. I just can’t seem to get my ideas together into post form. Can I blame Irene?

So here’s something that’s been going on. Or not going on. I was supposed to have a date one night early last week. Supposed to. But I wasn’t entirely feeling it. And then the day came. And I was busy with work. So I asked myself, Why am I going on this date tonight?

My answer: Because I want to start dating again.

Not:  He seems like a cool guy and I want to go out with him. Honestly, I was feeling really iffy about him.

*  He doesn’t live in the city, and his ‘burb is far-ish and not so easy to get to.

*  He scheduled our first date around a business meeting, which was fine-ish. I guess. But we were getting together kind of late on a Monday night (just down the block from his meeting).  And I’m so tired of having relationships scheduled around guys’ strange work schedules

*  That’s enough.

So I called and cancelled a few hours before our date. I apologized profusely and blamed work. Which was mostly true. I was really busy. And just not enthusiastic enough about getting together with him to rush through all the stuff I had to do.

I should mention that I got his vm. And that he called me back hours later, about 15 minutes after we were supposed meet. I felt bad, thinking that he’d been waiting for me. He said it was cool and we set a day/time for a reschedule. And then he said he’d follow up by .

He never followed up. Neither did I. I don’t think the date’s going to happen. I don’t really care.

I’d made a foolish promise to myself that I’d start to take dating seriously again. And that as part of that, I’d go out on at least one date a week (pretty lightweight for the old me). And check my online dating inboxes regularly. Even do some searches and send out some messages (I am 41, and my inbox doesn’t get as much action as it used to). But that promise lasted less than 2 weeks. It’s not that I don’t have the time. I could make the time. I just get so easily annoyed by it all. By the silliness of it all. The ridiculous guys using the same photos for past 5+ years (because as crappy as my memory is, I recognize some of them). And the BAD profiles and the horrible pickup-y messages.

It’s disheartening.

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24 to “I Donwanna”

  1. Frida says:

    One date a week is pretty good!

    Not meeting up with this guy sounds like a good decision. You weren’t feeling it and he didn’t put in any extra effort to make you feel like meeting up with him.
    Frida recently posted..Some adjectives I would use to describe dating:My Profile

  2. Chiara says:

    How about NOT planning to ‘date’ but just opening yourself up to meeting the right person? I’ve been on some dates that were a complete waste of my life. I’d trade my soul to get those hours back. And I’m not talking about the disappointing ones where I was super excited about seeing someone and he turned out to be an OCD freak with a sociopathic personality. I’m talking about the “meh, he could be, maybe, someone worth looking into, meh”…

    Dating is important but it’s not an olympian sport that needs you to devote hours of practice to. I’d say the moment you quit making it a chore, the more you’ll WANT to make time for it. (i never WANT to clean so I never make time for it. See?)

    Btw, i agree with pp. “I’ll follow up with an email” is kind of worth writing off.
    Chiara recently posted..Men: How to be SexyMy Profile

    • Simone Grant says:

      I get where you’re coming from. I’m an action plan kind a gal, though. And “open” doesn’t feel like action. It may sound ridiculous, but I can’t stand the idea of DOING NOTHING.

  3. NikkiB says:

    Um… how about… so don’t?

    I mean… maybe you don’t feel like dating now, so do other things? Is it necessary to be dating? Sure, maybe it’s been awhile or whatev, but maybe just focus on other stuff for now…
    NikkiB recently posted..I have a healthy relationship… with Lust.My Profile

    • Simone Grant says:

      I’ve been hyper focused on lots of other things. Happily. I just thought it was time to put a little effort into dating. But the actually doing… not so much fun lately.

  4. Liz says:

    I’m 41 as well and I can completely relate. I used to be something of a marathon dater in my thirties, and I racked up hundreds of dates. Now I am truly and finally getting to that place of, “If it’s meant to happen, it will happen.” I feel like I have a lot to offer, but I’m no longer so “great on paper” due to my age and a recently-developed medical condition. I feel like it’s only gonna happen now if there’s strong chemistry between me and another person, chemistry that is stumbled upon during the course of living my life.

    I do occasionally look at the online dating sites, but after several years in L.A., I too am seeing the same faces on those sites over and over again, despite having many pages of matches to wade through. I’m also getting a little more fearful about what may turn up at this age… alcoholism, debt problems, mental illness, a bitter relationship with an ex-wife, etc. So I’m feeling more cautious.

    On top of that, I don’t have the energy I used to, and I value my alone time all the more because of it. And now that the mad rush to get married in order to have kids is ending, I don’t see the point in sitting through dates that feel like “work.”

  5. nathan says:

    You know, I get sick of it too. Online dating is not much better for men.
    nathan recently posted..Online Dating: Women and First ContactMy Profile

    • Simone Grant says:

      Funny, but I know so many couples (happy couples) who’ve met online. I still think online dating can be pretty awesome. I guess I’m just sick of it. Like a food I kinda like but have had too often.

  6. Alex says:

    At least you have a date. I keep getting screwed over by horrible men. Heeeelp. Also extra extra read all about it :) x

  7. I think we all feel like this at some point. But dating should be fun. If you’re doing it just for the sake of doing it, you probably won’t make a connection anyway. I understand starting the routine to help get you in the mood. But it should be a good, or at least laughable, experience.
    Author Cindy Lucy recently posted..Top 10 Dating Sites to Visit before You Die: Where to find a “Real” ManMy Profile

    • Simone Grant says:

      I think there’s a big difference between “doing it for the sake of doing it” and pushing myself to get back out there because I’m out of practice.

  8. There’s nothing worse than having a date scheduled with someone you’re not really into. Good move, though, for cancelling it. It would have been even worse if you tortured yourself by hanging out with this fella for a few hours when you could be working/makin’ that paper! Sigh. Dating is hard, eh?

  9. IntrigueMe says:

    So I used to be a little overly critical of guys whose profiles I’ve been seeing online repeatedly for years…



    Yesterday a guy I met recently on OKCupid called me to chat, and at some point I asked him how long he’d been using OKC and POF for. He told me “I’ve been using POF for about five years off and on”… and it was the moment where I nearly blurted out “yeah me too” that I realized…


    If I’ve been seeing the same profiles on there for five years it’s because I’ve been on there for five years as well!

    Crap, that was a shocker. Either there’s nothing wrong with all of them or there’s something wrong with me so I choose the former.

    Anyways, I’m trying to take dating more seriously lately too, but… it’s so hard! I’m currently talking to 3 guys and have plans to go out with 2.
    IntrigueMe recently posted..Stories of the Ex: Closet BoxMy Profile

    • Simone Grant says:

      My issue, and I stand by it, is a guy using the same PHOTO for the past 5+ years. I’ve been online dating on and off (mostly off) for more than a decade as I’ve cycled in and out of relationships. But I change my photos every year or so. Sometimes more often. Photos should be current. And I also change the details of my profile. I’m not the same person I was 5 years ago.

      So yes, if I get a message from the SAME EXACT profile (same pic, same words, same cut and pasted message) and I recall getting in 2005 then I think that’s pathetic.

      Nothing wrong with online dating, for any period of time. Something seriously wrong with doing it poorly.

  10. Eli says:

    I like the idea of just opening up to meeting someone, letting that happen instead of trying to hard.

  11. HP says:

    I totally understand the dates that you’re just feeling “eh” about. While the instinct is to just disregard it, I’m so glad I’ve followed through in the past. I remember last year when I was going on a dating spree, I had 3 guys that I was talking to, two of them I was really looking forward to meeting but one I was just feeling “meh” about. I had dates scheduled with all three of them in one week and the “meh” guy was first. Honestly when I woke up that morning I was so tempted to call and cancel, I just wasn’t really feeling it but I figured it’s just coffee and I’ll only waste subway fare. Well I go to meet him and that little coffee date turned into us hanging out for about six hours in which we talked, had coffee and saw a movie. It was the best date I had been on! When he called me later that night telling me he wanted to see where things would go I cancelled my other dates that week and we have been together since!

    I firmly believe that you can’t know anyone until you meet them, even phone conversation aren’t a true look at someone’s personality. So while those “meh” feelings can end up being true, there are exceptions to the rule. I like to give anyone I’m even mildly interested in a chance.

    Other than that though, it shouldn’t be a chore to go on dates. And the last few posts it seems that you’re forcing yourself to get in the dating game because you feel that you’re obligated to. Whether that obligation is this website or some other outside forces, I don’t know. But if you’re not in it for some sort of end result, then why bother?

    • Simone Grant says:

      I’ve never gone on a date so that I’d have something to write about. I date because I’d SHOCKER like to have someone in my life. But for complicated reasons, most of which I’ve written about, I’ve had a hard time getting back out there… And when I’m feeling ambivalent about the process, it’s harder to have a positive attitude about meeting guys I’m not super-excited about.
      Not rocket science.

  12. AS says:

    I’m sure a lot of us have been there, going through the motions of going on a date with someone that you are just not interested in for the sake of it. Often it is also a symptom of dating fatigue – and if this resonates may be you should just take some time out and do things that make you feel happy and then when you’re ready get back out there…