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Porn is…

Porn is... sex batshit crazy  I’m late with this. So late. I started this post a while ago. Then I got caught up with other things (gotta pay the bills). I was just going to dump it, but I really do want to know what other people think about this topic. So here it is. Better late than never?

I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before. I’m not a fan of . Honestly, I haven’t seen all that much of it. But what I’ve seen…it left me feeling a little embarrassed for the people involved.

I won’t refuse to watch it with a partner. If he asks. But I’m also honest about not being into it.

Anyway, I can still remember the time (a long, long time ago) when I walked into a relatively new boyfriend’s apartment and one of the first things he showed me was his porn collection. Seriously, he was showing me around and he proudly pointed to a bookcase and said, “and this is my porn collection.” And I thought, well that’s different.

Never did I think (as I spent many hours with this guy, a good percentage of them in his apartment) I’m with a man who buys . Because that’s just not the way I think of porn. Yes, there are people having sex in porn. And they’re getting paid for it (I hope). And he paid for his porn (he had quite a large collection, for which I imagine he paid quite a bit).

But he wasn’t actively touching anyone. There was no sex act with another live human. He wasn’t paying a person directly to get him off.

Which is why I was amused/surprised/horrified (that it got posted) by the Newsweek article a couple/few weeks ago that lumped men who watched porn in with men who use prostitutes.  Of course, it got lots of attention and some good posts (this one in The Good Men Project for one) on other sites were written in relation to it. And it was emailed to me by several people asking for my opinion.

I’m not going to enter into the whole sex trafficking, legalizing prostitution fray here.  Another post, perhaps. I just couldn’t get over the way all men who watch porn and/or visit strip clubs were lumped in with guys who hire prostitutes. Maybe it’s just me, but I pretty much assume that 99.9% of the men I know watch porn. And a pretty high % of those have also been to strip clubs in the not too distant past. Whereas, prostitution… I have no idea what the stats on that might be. But I’d honestly expect them to be AT LEAST half that. Probably a tiny minority.

Not that it’s any of my business.

This is another one of those posts that I’d planned as a poll, but then got lazy about. Sorry about that. I’ve been sucking at being a blogger lately. I would love to know what you think about this. Men and women. Is spending on porn (even a lot of ) the same as hiring a prostitute? What about lap dances?  Does it matter? Should it matter?


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20 to “Porn is…”


  1. JM says:

    Most of the men I know who hire prostitutes are doing it because they are busy and travel a lot and don’t have time to date or find someone to have sex with. There are some who are married with kids and don’t want to leave their wives, but need sex and a woman who doesn’t resent him. These guys spend a lot of time talking to the women they hire. They turn to prostitutes because it’s easier and the chances of a woman scorned is less. I don’t know about the corner $10 a pop hookers, however. And I don’t know about men with addictions. Oh, and I don’t know about strippers.

    My ex had a HUGE porn collection. Besides the huge porn collection, he had memberships to porn sites online. I don’t think this is normal. What I think is normal is having a handful of DVDs that you turn to when you feel like it, or just finding something online from time-to-time.

    What I saw in my ex was that he was desensitized to real women and real sex. If I sent him a nude image, it was no big deal, whereas other men are often blown away or at least flattered and turned on. He felt that it was the woman’s job to be aggressive in the bedroom, like on porn. He wanted me to get implants, big round ones, like porno chicks. And, he liked “hot chicks” . . . as in kinda skanky porno chicks. There was a never-ending wish to have threesomes (not once, but on a regular basis) which never happened with me. He bought me stripper heels to dress in and “outfits” to wear. And, even though he was good in bed, he subscribed to some porno “moves” that I thought were uncomfortable.

    Basically, my ex wanted to LIVE like a porno. That’s not healthy and it’s not normal.

    I think porn is OK, but too much can lead to unrealistic expectations. And, I think there are men who learn from porn, which isn’t good at all. I mean, like junk food, sun or alcohol, in small and healthy doses, it’s fine, but anything more, and you’ve got a problem.
    JM recently posted..I’m getting some ballsMy Profile

  2. nathan says:

    I have never been to a strip club. I don’t find porn all that interesting either, and it’s not been a part of my life for years. And I have male friends who have similar views around all of this.

    Not really sure what to think of the lumping together of men involved in prostitution with the other categories of behavior. It sounds like a bit of sensationalist journalism to me.
    nathan recently posted..Gender RolesMy Profile

  3. SecretSquirrel says:

    I watch porn on a semi-regular basis. About once a week or so. I’m a woman and I’m very aural so the sounds of people REALLY enjoying themselves (I can’t stand dubbing or some of the fake screeching girls do), it turns me on hardcore. That being said, I don’t think it is fair to lump the men all together. I think of it in terms of a Venn diagram (I have a degree in mathematics). There are intersections but overall, they are not all together (the same circle). Just like everything in life, you can’t generalize like that.

  4. jennelle says:

    SoCalSingleGal here, I’ll admit to watching the occasional clip when I’m alone and need something to get me in the mood. Generally about 3-5 minutes of soft porn will do the trick. I also concede that most if not all of the men in this world have some kind of porn collection, however….
    Here’s where I think porn has the potential to negatively impact a real life relationship.
    You see I think many men, especially adolescent man/boys suffer from what I call PSS (Porn Sex Syndrome). Men who watch too much porn begin to think that’s what sex is supposed to look and sound like. Men often try to act like a porn star thinking they’ll get the same reaction. While the real women in their bed is completely unamused.
    Get real! Those women are actresses! They are being paid to “fake it.” Men who are fooled into believing all the screaming, dirty talking and strange positions is really working simply are being misguided. Sure, porn sex can be fun and entertaining to watch. Sure, watching porn can enhance foreplay. Experimenting with new positions is good, but guys trust me please, porn sex will not make a woman orgasm.
    Rule #1 Porn sex doesn’t = Good sex
    Rule #2 A women must be relaxed
    A woman must be able to maneuver her body. We must be able to drift in and out of consciousness. If you’ve got her legs around her neck, while you smack her ass how comfortable and relaxed can she really be?
    While acrobatics make for fun foreplay, you must change your focus when it’s time to make her orgasm. Women need full-body simulation. If the only party of your body touching her body is your penis, I can almost guarantee you won’t be getting her off.
    There is nothing worse than a man thats trying “perform” like a porn star, when what you really want is for him to make love to you. But they watch so much porn they have no other frame of reference. These guys need to turn off the porn and just be real for a change. If and when you are lucky enough to have a real woman in your arms be a real man.
    jennelle recently posted..I found this poll about “faking it” via (Sex, Lies & Dating in the City)My Profile

  5. IntrigueMe says:

    I love porn.

    Oops, did I just admit to that in writing?

    Oh well.

    I have also NEVER hired a prostitute nor would I. So, no, I don’t see how they can be lumped in the same category. Then again, I’m not a man.

    There’s a difference between fantasy (porn) and reality (prostitution).
    IntrigueMe recently posted..Stories of the ExMy Profile

    • Mel says:

      I like porn too! (A lot). And I probably watch it more than my partner (we also watch it once in a while together too, for what it’s worth). I also like strippers (Again, a LOT). And if the opportunity presented itself, I would pay for… ahem, a little “sexy fun” for us together.

      All that said, I think there are differences between watching porn — which I do sometimes because… well, I’m bored — and paying for sex — which I find exciting in the right circumstances. It goes back to the reality vs. fantasy argument as IntrigueMe suggested. I just so happen to approve of both (but the reality is much better, natch). You know, so long as I’m involved.

  6. ninjadick says:

    Male checking in: For all the obvious reasons, buying porn isn’t “paying for sex”. If porn was “paying for sex” then what is it we’re paying for when we buy slasher/torture movies like Saw? Or ultraviolent war-porn ala Saving Private Ryan or Full Metal Jacket? If Debbie Does Dallas was morally equivalent to prostitution, wouldn’t The Passion of the Christ be nothing less than deicide? (Let Mel Gibson chew on that in a sober moment.)

    I like porn. It’s safe and convenient. Like any other story genre, be it epic fantasy or crime drama, it lets people imagine scenarios that we wouldn’t or couldn’t act out in real life. I like stories with wizards and elves, almost as much as stories with naughty schoolgirls and depraved headmistresses. So if I run out and rent The Hobbit, does that make me a dragon slayer? No, all it makes me is a movie-rental consumer. But if you’re getting a lot of replay value out of My Black Ass Volumes 1 through 26? In fact, even if you’re getting a lot of replay value out of high-budget “classics” like Behind the Green Door, The Opening of Misty Beethoven, and Caligula… I have a secret to share: just a little googling will reveal an endless supply of free porn. The whole “porn is prostitution” premise really collapses when the porn is free, and while they’re scrambling to piece the premise back together, it just falls apart some more in the face of the small but significant not-for-profit home-made porn industry.

    I went to a strip club once, for a friend’s bachelor party. It was boring and awkwardly pathetic.

    I wouldn’t pay someone to lay under me while masturbated into her vagina. That’s essentially what it is with a prostitute, am I right or am I wrong? Sure, rote sex in a stale relationship CAN be one-sided and emotionless too, but sex for hire is pretty much guaranteed to be nothing more than that. I don’t kid myself that every hookup is a deeply meaningful spiritual communion, but if the best things in life are free, then paying for sex paradoxically renders it worthless.

  7. Chiara says:

    Wrote about porn and strip clubs back in may : http://chiarasays.com/men-porn-strip-clubs-when-is-it-okay/

    But specifically, clumping prostitution and porn together is ridiculous – and i’ve heard it done way too often. Whatever your feelings on the subjects, they are NOT the same thing. Consider the difference in response to walking in on your partner watching porn, curled up with his teddy in his bed vs walking in on him going to town on a chick name Sugar. Besides, the money spent on a prostitute goes to her and her pimp; the money spent on porn goes to the actors, directors, camera guy, sound guy.. etc etc..
    Chiara recently posted..ASK CHIARA: Taking it to the Next LevelMy Profile

  8. NikkiB says:

    No – they shouldn’t be lumped together, and I’d bet the author of the Newsweek did it somewhat on purpose to get a reaction (nod to nathan’s comment). As other commenters pointed out, there’s a line between porn, strip clubs, and actually paying for the reality of a sex act.

    That said. Are the all bad? Are some bad and others ok? Um. I have to say… I’m starting to think we shouldn’t think of *any* of them as “bad”… although we SHOULD be taking the industries behind them to task, and making all three more safe for those employed by them.
    NikkiB recently posted..Tree Hugger Tuesday: Take Back the Tap.My Profile

  9. Keith says:

    This is just another attempt to start a controversial argument. I once worked at an adult bookstore and we had a great deal of women customers. People, men or women, “in my opinion” use porn for self gratification so if you like home cooking why go to restaurant if you know what I mean.

  10. Jenny J. says:

    If buying porn is the same as buying sex, then buying a poster of a dog is the same as buying a new pet: yes, that dog exists, and someone took a picture of it, but all you have is the PICTURE. Same with porn: sure, that sex is happening, but you’re not the one who’s actually having sex; it’s the people on the screen.

    I think that study focused on a very specific type of porn. Porn gets a bad rap because most of it is pretty degrading to women AND men. I’m a straight female, and most of the porn I watch is straight-up lesbian porn (no, not girl-on-girl action made for a male viewer, but the kind of porn made by women for women, and mostly filmed between couples who really do seem to love each other), because that’s the only kind I can find where both parties actually seem to be enjoying themselves. When I watch porn it’s because I want to feel less lonely, or because I want to see how other people do it, or to get some new ideas (even if it’s suggestions on what my partner can do for me, not the other way around); not because I want to watch large objects being shoved into a woman’s orifices.

  11. Lennie Ross says:

    90% of men watch porn, the other 10% lie about watching porn. And being in Los Angeles, you sadly see a lot of young actresses coming here with aspirations of being a star getting sucked into the adult film industry because it’s ‘easy money’ but on the end, where there’s a demand and a will, there’s a way, what can ya do?

    Lennie Ross
    http://lennierosswrites.com
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  12. nathan says:

    Lennie, you’re statistics are ridiculous. Not all men are into porn. End of story.
    nathan recently posted..Being Really Smart Can Work Against You, Especially if You’re a WomanMy Profile

  13. Wesley says:

    wow! controversial right? personally i dont like porn. i see it as degrading to both sexes…but yah!porn and prostitution is not the same.As pointed out by Jenny J, porn is self pleasing. I think prostitution is as close as practicing what you saw on porn and knowing that you could’nt do it with the woman you love. But then again, what do i know?

  14. atxkj says:

    I’m not gonna comment on the porn/prostitution allegation because that is just…weird. And not true.

    I just wanted to suggest that you give watching some amateur porn a spin. There’ not a ton of good stuff out there, but when you find something hot, it’s pretty damn hot. And watch it alone. I’m fine with watching it with my boyfriend, too, but I find myself completely open when I watch it on my own, and it can be a pretty hot experience.

  15. Ian Coleman says:

    That Newsweek article was massively dishonest in categorizing looking at pornography with hiring prostitutes. The whole thrust of the article was that men are aroused by the degradation of women, and you could make a plausible case for the proposition that many men who hire prostitutes do enjoy having power over women. The only problem for the writers of the article (I’m guessing) is that very few men actually do hire prostitutes on a recurring basis. But most men (except for a small subset of strictly moral individuals) look at pornography. If you have a computer and an internet hookup, you can do it without getting caught or punished, and it doesn’t even cost you any money. So voila, because all men look at pornography, all men are buyers of sex, and all men secretly love the sexual degradation of women. This is a popular view with some feminists, but it’s misanthorphic bunk. Kind, decent men cannot resist looking at pornography, because it’s wonderfully exciting. Because sex is wonderfully exciting.

    If you like movies that feature killing, are you a murderer? No. Are you proved tolerant or desirous of murder? No. Well, looking at pornography does not make you a rapist or even capable of rape. But that’s what the Newseek article was implying. Bunk.

    I’ll tell you something else. The girls and women in pornography are physically healthy and in fact superior to most women in terms of physical beauty. Presumably all these girls and women can find jobs as waitresses. So when you are waited on by a woman in a restaurant, you are witnessing somebody doing a job that some women consider less preferable to having sex in public (so to speak).

  16. Thouri says:

    Like it or not, people should have to agree that men have bigger role on spreading the ideas of pornography and prostitution. If we learn history and psychology we can see it. Men created sex trade and women slavery BUT who had more strength to liberate most women who were enslaved ? YES! Men had role!

    So I hate to tell feminists here that men deserve being called gender of leadership since almost every trend, invention, sport, business, culture, ideology, and religion were made/brought by men. You can’t stop slavery and wars with femininity can you ? And how would the world fight male terrorists if no other men were interested in ?

    So most of keys to ruin pornography and prostitution are in men’s hands. I can see it. No offense. If female smokers see men don’t smoke, they will stop smoking. If male smokers see women don’t smoke, they will not stop smoking. On the contrary, many more women will follow their footsteps.

    This is genetic, men tend to put more influence. If not, all famous religions wouldn’t be these current ones. So, men and feminists I hope you are open-minded and are not being sexist when it comes to judging people’s morals.

    If a woman had said men’s had been women’s ribs then her dogma would not be popular!

  17. Cindy says:

    many guys watch porn or have a porn collection, but if they just have to watch porn in order to have sex. Now that would be a big problem for me.

  18. Katie says:

    I have a strange relationship with porn. I been in 5 serious relationships in my life and I have requested to each one of those people that they not watch porn while they’re dating me. The way I see it is if I’m taking care of them sexually, why do they need it? I’ve actually come to realize that masturbation and sex are different and so that point is no longer valid, but I’ve stuck to my second reason: I just can’t bring myself to be “ok” with my boyfriend orgasming to the thought and/or image of another girl. I don’t like this part of myself and wish I was cool with it, but I’m just not. However, I’ve finally gotten to the point where I can watch it WITH my boyfriend, so that’s a good step I guess.
    As a topic in general, I think that watching porn for guys is a normal experience, but I think that too much of it ruins the reality of sex when they’re actually with someone.
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