I’ve looked at your blog and seen a lot on good sex and bad sex. Could you break it down for me as to what is good sex and what men you’ve had great sex with do differently than the ones who were not so good. I know its a little personal, but I would like to be enlightened and hopefully help my fellow man.
Yes, this was a real email. Received one day a couple of weeks ago.
I’m pathetically behind on my emails. Even more than usual. But this one’s subject line caught my eye. And WOW, how could I just ignore the guy.
I’m gonna pretend he’s asking in earnest. That he really doesn’t know the difference between good and bad sex. And that he needs help. I’m NOT gonna pretend that I’m an expert on such things. IMO Sex, like most things in life, is a matter of taste. What makes me shriek with delight might leave another woman thinking, “I’m dumping his ass.”
And so I did what I do in these situations. I emailed a bunch of my very smart friends and said, please help me.
So, here are some of their words of wisdom:
You can know everything there is to know about what to do in the bedroom (if that’s possible) but that doesn’t mean you will know how to be awesome with everyone you are with. I always think the best idea is to listen to the person you are with. And I don’t mean just listen to what they say but listen to their body too. Pay attention to what they like and what feels good for them. – Jess Downey
I don’t think there is any such thing as Good Sex or Bad Sex simply because there are no absolutes in sex…Sex is about connecting with other human beings, all of whom are different. Yes, you can learn human anatomy and talk about a woman’s clit until the cows come home, but what happens when you encounter a woman like me who prefers vaginal stimulation to clitoral stimulation? The tried and tested will no longer apply.
You know what happens in science when researchers find that the results of an experiment cannot be replicated every time? Ask Ununoctium. There is recipe. There is no single methodology. There is only independent and individual mutual discovery. It takes some fundamental knowledge, some creativity, and a lot of intuition — like cooking the way our grandmothers cook, always changing things depending on what’s available and who’s sitting down at the table that evening. - AV Flox
Nature seems to have it figured out pretty well. When it’s there, it’s organic and embedded into our DNA to want to make the other person feel good — which in my thinking creates great sex. From hand holding to getting sweaty and buck naked on the bathroom floor. - Jennifer Kelton
I find what makes for great love making rarely has anything to do with how we wish to feel ourselves. What I mean by that is it’s typically about the other person. If we take care of the other person’s needs, they’ll reciprocate, ideally, if they give two shits of a rats ass about you. Then, the other thing I found, of course there’s always listening with your body… You can close your eyes and feel your partners body against yours, listen to their moans, feel their heat and exertion… Yeah, that whole listening with your body thing has some merit. – Alex of The Urban Dater
Am I the only one that thinks there IS a such thing as bad sex? How about premature ejaculation? Selfishness (not willing to “give”), small “bits and pieces”? – Miss Melisa Mae The answer to her question would be NO.
Fact: my friends are awesome!
My original answer was all about communication (potentially boring, but true). In fact, it was frightening similar to porn star James Deen’s advice (sorry, so couldn’t resist):
The key to sex is that you need to communicate with your partner about what they’re into and what they’re not into.
Got that, Mr. Inquiring Mind?
So now, dear readers, what about you? Is there such a thing as bad sex? How do you define good sex?
Tags: bad sex, good sex, sex