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Good Sex Bad Sex

Good Sex Bad Sex sex  From: Inquiring Mind


Message Body:

I’ve looked at your blog and seen a lot on good and bad . Could you break it down for me as to what is good and what men you’ve had great with do differently than the ones who were not so good. I know its a little personal, but I would like to be enlightened and hopefully help my fellow man.


Yes, this was a real email. Received one day a couple of weeks ago.

I’m pathetically behind on my emails. Even more than usual. But this one’s subject line caught my eye. And WOW, how could I just ignore the guy.

I’m gonna pretend he’s asking in earnest. That he really doesn’t know the difference between good and bad sex. And that he needs help. I’m NOT gonna pretend that I’m an expert on such things. IMO Sex, like most things in life, is a matter of taste. What makes me shriek with delight might leave another woman thinking, “I’m dumping his ass.”

And so I did what I do in these situations. I emailed a bunch of my very smart friends and said, please help me.

So, here are some of their words of wisdom:

You can know everything there is to know about what to do in the bedroom (if that’s possible) but that doesn’t mean you will know how to be awesome with everyone you are with. I always think the best idea is to listen to the person you are with. And I don’t mean just listen to what they say but listen to their body too. Pay attention to what they like and what feels good for them. – Jess Downey

I don’t think there is any such thing as Good Sex or Bad Sex simply because there are no absolutes in sex…Sex is about connecting with other human beings, all of whom are different. Yes, you can learn human anatomy and talk about a woman’s clit until the cows come home, but what happens when you encounter a woman like me who prefers vaginal stimulation to clitoral stimulation? The tried and tested will no longer apply.

You know what happens in science when researchers find that the results of an experiment cannot be replicated every time? Ask Ununoctium. There is recipe. There is no single methodology. There is only independent and individual mutual discovery. It takes some fundamental knowledge, some creativity, and a lot of intuition — like cooking the way our grandmothers cook, always changing things depending on what’s available and who’s sitting down at the table that evening. - AV Flox

Nature seems to have it figured out pretty well.  When it’s there, it’s organic and embedded into our DNA to want to make the other person feel good — which in my thinking creates great sex. From hand holding to getting sweaty and buck naked on the bathroom floor. - Jennifer Kelton

I find what makes for great love making rarely has anything to do with how we wish to feel ourselves. What I mean by that is it’s typically about the other person. If we take care of the other person’s needs, they’ll reciprocate, ideally, if they give two shits of a rats ass about you. Then, the other thing I found, of course there’s always listening with your body… You can close your eyes and feel your partners body against yours, listen to their moans, feel their heat and exertion… Yeah, that whole listening with your body thing has some merit. – Alex of The Urban Dater

Am I the only one that thinks there IS a such thing as bad sex?  How about premature ejaculation? Selfishness (not willing to “give”), small “bits and pieces”? – Miss Melisa Mae The answer to her question would be NO.

Fact: my friends are awesome!

My original answer was all about communication (potentially boring, but true). In fact, it was frightening similar to porn star James Deen’s advice (sorry, so couldn’t resist):

The key to sex is that you need to communicate with your partner about what they’re into and what they’re not into.

Got that, Mr. Inquiring Mind?

So now, dear readers, what about you? Is there such a thing as bad sex? How do you define good sex?


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18 to “Good Sex Bad Sex”

  1. JM says:

    If you’re having a lot of bad sex, it’s time for some inner reflection. Sometimes you need to communicate and sometimes you need to take matters into your own hands. For instance, when you end up with a “jackhammer” just hop on top and do it your way all the while showing him how you like it. As long as you are a good teacher, can be excellent students in the sack.

    I think it would be safe to say that most, if not all, of the truly bad sex I’ve had was a matter of issue with the guy. Small penis, erectile dysfunction, pre-mature ejaculation, stuff like that, because there’s nothing you can do about it.

    This is probably for a whole other post, but there are men who are great in bed, but if your connection is ruined (resentment, for instance) that sex goes sour. And, usually, it’s just time to go.
    JM recently posted..The follow-upMy Profile

    • Simone Grant says:

      Well, like I said, I think everything is a matter of taste. Personally, I’d rather NOT play teacher. Ever. And I’m sure there are plenty of women who feel similarly. “Taking matters into your own hands” is a total turnoff for me.

      It takes all kinds.

      • Lina says:

        I refuse to be a teacher. Also I refuse to be the only adult, mother, housekeeper and so on with the man. We all grownups in relations. Or did the man was just born yesterday?

  2. jennelle says:

    This is an excerpt from my blog. The PlayBook 4 Men……Topic: Faking “It”, Is she or isn’t she and how to tell….I think it applies here.

    There are several kinds of love. There is the kind of love you feel for a friend. The love you have for your family and the unconditional love you feel for a child. However, romantic love is the love that generates from a sexually compatible lover. Sexual compatibility is an absolute must for a woman to maintain the feelings of romantic love.

    Trust me on this, if a woman stays with you even if you don’t please her in bed, she’s not just faking “the big O” she’s faking the entire relationship and it’s just a matter of time.You’ll notice I use the phase “sexual compatibility”. What I am trying to describe here is a long-term interaction between two people in terms of ease and comfort of communication. Good sex is relative. What is good for one may not be good for another. What is important is that you are both “on the same page” sexually speaking.

    Ponder these questions:

    Do you share the same level of sexual desire for each other?

    Do you enjoy the same kinds of things she enjoys?

    Is sex fun for both of you?

    Is talking about sex easy or stressful?

    Do either of you have to make compromises to please the other? That is to say. Do either of you do things you don’t want or like to do…just to please the other?

    Do you argue over sex?
    jennelle recently posted..I found this poll about “faking it” via (Sex, Lies & Dating in the City)My Profile

  3. NikkiB says:

    Um. Yeah there is such a thing as bad sex. Yep. Sure is.

    But – as pointed out, things that work for one person, aren’t going to work for another. That comes back to the general consensus – you need to pay attention to your partner, communicate, and be enthusiastic about giving them pleasure.

    There’s also a point to being enthusiastic about receiving pleasure. I think a lot of people can be self-conscious in bed, and there’s less likely to let loose, or really enjoy themselves. Not helpful to the whole awesome-sex thing.

    Basically, I think a couple rules apply: 1) Pay attention; 2) Be creative; 3) Learn to multi-task; 4) Have fun.
    NikkiB recently posted..Tree Hugger Tuesday: Take Back the Tap.My Profile

    • Simone Grant says:

      It’s amazing how many people skip that last part. When I think of my worst sexual experiences, it seems like the guys didn’t realize we were both supposed to be having fun.

  4. Lennie Ross says:

    Well said, love this article! What sucks is when you get a guy who thinks he’s ‘the bedroom master’, and starts going to town doing something you’re totally not into because it worked with the last 3 women he was with.

    That can be a real intimacy killer :/

    Lennie Ross
    Lennie Ross recently posted..5 Ways To Make Your Home Chick-FriendlyMy Profile

  5. Shawn says:

    Well, here is my question: what percentage of women have orgasm. When a woman does not have orgasm, its like having a sex with a guy who has erectile dysfunction.
    Shawn recently posted..23461My Profile

    • Simone Grant says:

      Good question. One that I certainly can’t answer. There have been all kinds of studies, with varying answers. What I can tell you is that LOTS OF women don’t orgasm every time and it is not an indicator of lack of pleasure. In other words, if your partner doesn’t come, it doesn’t mean she wasn’t having an awesome time.

  6. LiveeviL says:

    Good communication means good sex, and by communication I mean either body communication(DNA thingy Jennifer told about), actually talking about what turns you on/off(if DNA fails you) or both if possible.

    • Simone Grant says:

      Yes, usually. ALTHOUGH… sometimes people just have very different desires. You can communicate about your desires and then realize that you want very different things. It happens.

  7. There are two factors at play from my perspective one for good and one for bad. Good sex is all about connection (ie communication). Bad sex has everything to do with perceived expectation. For example, whether she really enjoys sex with me or not, if I think she is not pleased with who I am as a man I will not be able to perform and the sex will be terrible after a short while. On the other hand sex is best when lines of communication are clear and any perceived expectation is neutralized. Neither party assumes the authoritative role and the connection can be made.

  8. Sarah Connor says:

    So how would you define fantastic sex? The knock it out of the ballpark league of sex? Would sex with a guy who can choose how long he wishes for it to last and delivers climax after climax be an absolute home run alone or would it also have to involve a deep emotional connection as well? I suppose like good sex bad sex the answer to fanfuckingtastic sex also varies from one person to the next.

  9. Allyson says:

    I DO think there is such a thing as bad sex. I think that a lot of it is dependent upon your feelings for each other. I have had sex that was less than satisfying with someone I cared about, but I have never had incredible blow my mind sex with someone I didn’t love.

  10. I agree with Lennie Ross on the idea that just because it worked for the last few women doesn’t mean it works on the current one. That’s key and that’s why I think that good sex can rarely occur on first try without good chemistry in all areas (communication and similar hormone levels for example). However, great sex can happen over time with just about anyone you are attracted to if you are both willing to work at it and learn each other’s bodies. The problem is we all want it to be amazing on first try. Maybe Allyson is right: If you don’t care about the person more than just a hormone driven hook-up you can’t really have incredible sex with them.

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