Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

I’ve Got to Think Twice Before I Give My Heart Away

This isn’t a story I’d been planning on telling here. Not here, not now. But then it came to mind as I was responding to comments on a recent post and I haven’t been able to get it out of my head. So here it is.

Note: Writing this was hard for me. I’d like to thank George Michael and his fabulous ass for making it more bearable.

 

 

There was a time, it seems like centuries ago, when I thought I was in . And I knew that the relationship was in trouble. The guy knew that the relationship was in trouble, too. Because I told him so. And I told him that I was pretty much at the end of my rope.

 

And then he found exactly the right words to get me back in line.

You have to have in this relationship.

I’ve had men say all kinds of shit to me over the years. Sweet nothings. Fancy promises. But no one had ever asked for my faith before. And, well, it had a profound effect on me. It’s something that I still can’t completely understand, much less explain.

He’d just spend weeks destroying my . And there he was, asking for my faith. Which I so desperately wanted to give to him. SO desperately. And so I tried.

Tried and failed. Because the little voice inside of me kept saying, this is wrong. This man is wrong. He isn’t worthy of your trust. This relationship doesn’t deserve your faith.

Trust and faith, 2 very different things.

I battled myself. On and off, for years. Because I wanted to give him my faith. I thought that’s what people did. That THIS was the reason Happily-Ever-After had eluded me for so long. Because I was incapable of faith. Here was a man asking for my heart. Completely.  And I couldn’t just give it. Without reservations. Without reason.

I kept thinking, long after things were over (but, of course they weren’t really over because he wouldn’t go away) that if I could just have faith. Learn faith, somehow. That things could work out. That it was really my fault. The failure of our relationship had little to do with him, and the very serious reasons he’d given me to toss him out of my life. It was my inability believe. To take that leap.

That was a long, long time ago. I’m wiser now. And stronger. But still…there are days, hours when this comes to mind and I wonder. What if I’d done everything differently. What if I’d had faith. Would I be happier now?

I know the answers to my own question. And yet, I can’t completely escape it. Maybe I never will.

 

 


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15 to “I’ve Got to Think Twice Before I Give My Heart Away”


  1. JM says:

    I was in the same boat, but more recently, so my memories are quite fresh. Whenever I start to wonder what I could have done differently (because, I too, was told that the relationship was in my hands), I think about how I felt months ago, when I was with him. I try not to pick it apart — his fault vs. my fault — because that only makes it worse. I take that out of the equation and focus squarly on how unhappy I was. Why? Because whether it was my fault or his, the fact was that I was miserable.
    JM recently posted..The follow-upMy Profile

  2. NKAF says:

    Great post! I often find myself looking back on past relationships and wondering, what if…? I think everyone does it at some point. But instead of dwelling on the past I think it’s more important to have faith that things will work out in the future. Great writing! Keep the posts coming!

    • Simone Grant says:

      Thanks. As an ovethinker, I’m prone to what-if every situation to death. What if I answered differently on that job interview when I was 22? And I got that different job (instead of the one I got). Would my whole life be different?
      Oh yeah, I’m diseased like that. But you’re right, it’s much healthier to believe that things worked out the way they were supposed to.

  3. LC Guy says:

    Sigh. The loving is so short and the forgetting so long.

    I found your blog addy on Stef’s CityGirlBlogs. I like you and I find I enjoy your writing. In token of blogger affection and in hopes of perpetuating your cyber real estate, I have given you a link on my new blog’s “Good Reads” page. I will be back.

    Here’s to Faith, Trust and Love.

    LC Guy

  4. SoloAt30 says:

    This faith-battle resonates with me and how I felt last year with Mr. Etiquette and I. I agree with JM, the his fault vs. my fault won’t move one forward, only keeps pushing you back.

    It’s so hard to come back from betrayed trust. I give you a ton of credit for putting so much time and emotion into trying to make it work…but sadly, some relationships can’t be salvaged…in fact, aren’t meant to be salvaged.

    Thanks so much for writing a hard story to share.
    SoloAt30 recently posted..Adventures in Babysitting–Er, DatingMy Profile

    • Simone Grant says:

      You’re welcome. I think there has to be a VERY strong bond (like kids, and lots and lots of years together) to fully recover from betrayed trust. Or maybe not. What do I know?

  5. Mafa says:

    I was in a 10 year relationship where it felt like i was the one carrying it on my shoulders. 2 kids, 10 years and the failure of that relationship was all passed on to me. I have reflected and realized where I went wrong and what I could have done differently to benefit the relationship but I now realize that no matter what I did if the other party never took responsibility for his part then it was bound for failure. I held on for 10 years and am now licking my wounds as I take care of 2 little girls. I have no faith, trust or hope right now and have no idea how to go about gaining those back…if they were even there to begin with
    Mafa recently posted..I Will Love YouMy Profile

    • Simone Grant says:

      WOW! First, good luck. Thanks a lot to recover and bounce back from. I don’t think one person can/should ever be asked to fully be responsible for the health of a relationship. No matter what. Again, good luck!

  6. JR says:

    Ugh… I am so there right now. And I know what to do, but can’t bring myself to do it yet. Thanks for posting this… It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

    • Simone Grant says:

      One thing I’ve learned is that no one is ever alone. Love, sex, relationships – it’s all universal. There is always someone who can relate. Usually a whole lot of someones. Hang in there. It’s never easy, but it eventually gets easier.

  7. IntrigueMe says:

    Do we ever figure these things out? I’m starting to wonder. Maybe there are just things in life that don’t ever get “solved”. Craaaap.
    IntrigueMe recently posted..Re-Post: Preparedness and SupportMy Profile

  8. Yea Like good people that actully don’t leave you and suck…