This isn’t a story I’d been planning on telling here. Not here, not now. But then it came to mind as I was responding to comments on a recent post and I haven’t been able to get it out of my head. So here it is.
Note: Writing this was hard for me. I’d like to thank George Michael and his fabulous ass for making it more bearable.
There was a time, it seems like centuries ago, when I thought I was in love. And I knew that the relationship was in trouble. The guy knew that the relationship was in trouble, too. Because I told him so. And I told him that I was pretty much at the end of my rope.
And then he found exactly the right words to get me back in line.
You have to have faith in this relationship.
I’ve had men say all kinds of shit to me over the years. Sweet nothings. Fancy promises. But no one had ever asked for my faith before. And, well, it had a profound effect on me. It’s something that I still can’t completely understand, much less explain.
He’d just spend weeks destroying my trust. And there he was, asking for my faith. Which I so desperately wanted to give to him. SO desperately. And so I tried.
Tried and failed. Because the little voice inside of me kept saying, this is wrong. This man is wrong. He isn’t worthy of your trust. This relationship doesn’t deserve your faith.
Trust and faith, 2 very different things.
I battled myself. On and off, for years. Because I wanted to give him my faith. I thought that’s what people did. That THIS was the reason Happily-Ever-After had eluded me for so long. Because I was incapable of faith. Here was a man asking for my heart. Completely. And I couldn’t just give it. Without reservations. Without reason.
I kept thinking, long after things were over (but, of course they weren’t really over because he wouldn’t go away) that if I could just have faith. Learn faith, somehow. That things could work out. That it was really my fault. The failure of our relationship had little to do with him, and the very serious reasons he’d given me to toss him out of my life. It was my inability believe. To take that leap.
That was a long, long time ago. I’m wiser now. And stronger. But still…there are days, hours when this comes to mind and I wonder. What if I’d done everything differently. What if I’d had faith. Would I be happier now?
I know the answers to my own question. And yet, I can’t completely escape it. Maybe I never will.
Tags: faith, heartache, love, quote, trust