Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Inappropriate Funk

So I’ve been in an inappropriate funk for the past few days. And I can’t seem to completely snap myself out of it. I’ve tried to stay laser focused on . And that’s helped a bit.

But there’s a sadness hiding behind the busy-ness.

I found out, on , that someone who used to be a pretty close friend isn’t a friend anymore. I know this because I read that she’s pregnant. Very pregnant.  And she never called or wrote to tell me.

The way I figure, you tell your friends when you’re pregnant. And so the people you don’t tell, they’re not your friends anymore.

Note: I helped her pick out her wedding dress.

I will admit that I’ve been bad about staying in touch with some of my old friends. Well, not as good as I’d like. I’ve been meaning to have her and her husband over for dinner. For months. But, truth is, I’m embarrassed about my new apartment. It’s much smaller than my old place and still looks like I just moved in. I just haven’t have the money or energy to make things look nice/make it a real home.  And it’s hard to have people who’ve known me for a long time come over and see things like this.  You know, see me doing less well than I used to be. Especially when they’re doing well financially.

It just makes me feel like a failure.

Anyway, we had dinner months ago. I can’t remember when. It must have been more than 6th months ago. Maybe right after my move. And haven’t spoken since. And…

It’s entirely inappropriate for me to react negatively to someone else’s happiness. The world doesn’t revolve around me. But I do feel like this is a sign that the friendship is over. And it makes me sad.

Maybe it has nothing to do with the /single divide. Maybe it’s something I said or did. Maybe it’s the widening divide between our lifestyles and incomes. Who knows? Whatever, it makes me sad. And for days now, every time I have a spare moment all I can do is wonder if there’s some way for me to fix it. Or if it’s even worth trying.

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19 to “Inappropriate Funk”

  1. bernice newell says:

    why dont you just call her and tell her congrats?

    • Simone Grant says:

      That’s what I’ll likely do. I just need to get past my own hurt feelings first.
      Simone Grant recently posted..Inappropriate FunkMy Profile

      • Liz says:

        I totally understand your hurt feelings. I would feel the same way. Just recently I felt blindsided by the heavily pregnant Facebook photo of a woman I knew years ago in another city and had last spoken to maybe three years ago, when she was in a shaky relationship and had just moved to a city near me. It was somewhat irrational on my part, but I felt irritated that she had dropped the ball on our friendship and that I had no idea that she was in a new relationship, let alone pregnant. I think I’m overly sensitive because I’ve had too many friendships fade in the past due to women prioritizing marriage and kids. If the same thing happened with someone I considered a good friend, I would be very hurt.

        In the end, though, I would probably suck it up and be the bigger person and send congratulations in some form or another and then leave the ball in her court.

  2. Yup, just call her. Sometimes we read way too much into things. Maybe she has been worried you and her are no longer friends because you moved and haven’t had her over. Real friends don’t care about moving boxes and small apartments.

    • Simone Grant says:

      On a rational level, I know that. I know that my friends shouldn’t/wouldn’t care about the state of my home. It’s me who cares. Anyway, I’ll get it together to call and say congrats. And then see what happens.
      Simone Grant recently posted..Inappropriate FunkMy Profile

  3. I’ve been where you are, my friend. It sucks. A girl I was bridesmaid for is no longer a friend. She’s expecting her second baby… I have yet to meet her first. In this case, though, I know it’s because I’m single. Because she told me so. Fair enough, I get that… but it still hurts.

    I learned, long ago, that I can be insanely happy for my friends… and still feel immensely sad for myself. It’s hard to see everyone else get engaged, get married, have babies, new homes and feel like the more that happens the less you seem to have in common. And, yes, some friends will drift away but the other friendships? Will be stronger for it. I may have less friends… but they mean more to me.

    I’m sorry about your friend. I would send her a message. Because I just let it go and now it’s too far gone. But be sure to tell her you’re happy for her… but sad that she didn’t tell you first hand.

    Let us know how it goes!

    • Simone Grant says:

      Oh god. At least she was honest.
      Truth is, that’s what I’m most afraid of. That the true reason she didn’t tell me about the baby is that there is no place in her life for me (the last of her single friends) and she doesn’t have the heart to be honest with me about it.
      Simone Grant recently posted..Inappropriate FunkMy Profile

  4. Catherine says:

    I’ve been in similar situations, and I think that true friendship is so important that you should at least try and call. I lost a true friend of mine over some petty stuff that seemed really important at the time (and to be fair, it was somewhat important stuff). But, it wasn’t important enough to ruin the friendship. It’s been a year, and we’re still trying to find our way back to being friends – we’ve just moved on and made new friends and lost connection.
    Catherine recently posted..Peanut StoryMy Profile

    • Simone Grant says:

      The truth is, sometimes friendships do end. Sometimes about pretty important stuff. I am no longer friends with some people I was close with in my 20s. It was time for those friendships to end, and I don’t really have regrets. It just makes me sad that this happened the way it did. Like a guy pulling the fade. After years of knowing each other…
      Simone Grant recently posted..Inappropriate FunkMy Profile

  5. Simone Grant says:

    What the hell – why is comment luv tagging my comments – but not working for so many of my readers? Argh. I hate technology!!!

  6. LadyD says:

    Yep, I know this one well – my friend was in a secondary circle of friends; we weren’t particularly close, but we did live in the same neighborhood for a few years, and had a mutual friend who we both had worked with – and if it hadn’t been for me DRAGGING her to a mutual friend’s bday party a few years back, she never would have met her husband, who she met that same night! And I wasn’t invited to the wedding! *sigh* Fast forward, and now she’s HUGELY preggers, due in August, and I found out thru a THIRD mutual friend, only a few weeks ago. Geez. Feel like I’d been kicked in the gut. Dayum. Oh well, I’ll send a congratz card and a gift certificate for diaper service for a month . . . or something. *sigh* Honestly? I’m happy for her, but I’ve NEVER liked her hubby – he’s good to her, but is kind of a tool. Hope she’s happy. =:-/

  7. Unfortunately, as the saying goes, friendships come and go. I am of the mind that once a friend-a friend forever; many people, however, are of the mind that recent friends are the friends who count and are “real” friends. It’s not a reflection on you, rather it is her ignorance of the true meaning of friendship. Concentrate on those who love being around you. Mourn the loss of the rest, but move on to better things … like writing this blog. We love reading it!

  8. Dennis Hong says:

    I think it’s perfectly natural (and acceptable) to react negatively to someone else’s happiness.

    Where I think it would be inappropriate is if you purposely sabotage someone else’s happiness….
    Dennis Hong recently posted..When Did “Trying Too Hard” Become A Bad Thing?My Profile

  9. Nick says:

    My father always told me, “When you’re young, you’ll have many friends. As you get older, you’ll be able to count the true ones on one hand.” It’s a tough realization. =/

    I don’t think it’s necessarily that they don’t want to be friends anymore. Just sometimes we end up as different people, with different interests, and different lives. It’s only natural.

    In this case though, I agree with everyone and think you should reach out. She could be busy too, maybe was worried you were upset, or a whole multitude of other reasons. The only way you’re going to know is by talking to her. Feel better and I hope it all works out!

  10. Victoria says:

    It’s sad but a lot of people treat us single friends as if we have some sort of disease they don’t want to catch. I’ve lost numerous friends who joined the married group, they lost contact with me and even when I would text or call they would claim they didn’t get a text or call must be phone issues. A friend I’d had for years had a babyshower and invited all our “relationship” friends to her shower. Myself and one other single friend were left out. I being the one that bought her pregnancy test and awaited the results with her, and then stood by her side while her and the babies father patched things up. I asked why I wasn’t invited to the shower and her response was that I was but my invitation must’ve gotten lost in the mail. She had my number and email however as well. I didn’t mention this, it was clearly time to let her go. I recently heard she is married with 3 children now. Friends we lose over relationship statuses were never really ours anyway.

  11. Black Iris says:

    Call her. Lots of people don’t tell anyone for the first few months because they’re afraid of a miscarriage. Then she could get busy or forget who she told already. She could be wondering why you haven’t contacted her recently.

    It’s not as good an excuse, but she could even be afraid you would be upset to hear she’s pregnant. Maybe some other friend of hers was.

  12. Spinsterlicious says:

    S: I’m wondering if this is more than a married:single, sometimes-friendships-just-end thing. You mentioned that you haven’t done well at keeping in touch, haven’t extended invitations, etc. Perhaps she’s feeling some of that from you and may also be a bit hurt. An honest chat should be in the plan. It’ll help you both. Good luck

    The Spinsterlicious Life

  13. Charlotte says:

    First things first: *HUGS*

    I know what you mean. I found out recently, also via FB (worst way to find out anything), that one of my best friends growing up was pregnant with her second. It’s so sad when someone you used to share everything with doesn’t tell you about such a huge development in her life. I don’t know what to say to make things right, but I’m sure that if you were to reach out, your friend would appreciate it more than you’ll ever know. Sometimes we feel so awkward because so much time has passed… but then we pick up where we left off, right? Best wishes, hunny.
    Charlotte recently posted..Insomnia Club: TakenMy Profile

  14. City Girl says:

    I would feel a bit hurt, too. I hope that you’ve called her right now. I think that a lot of couples get in a mode in which they’re completely focused. That might pass. I hope when you reconnect that you all decide that the friendship is worth the effort. xoxo
    City Girl recently posted..IMF (Interesting Male Friend)My Profile