Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Close Your Eyes and Think of England

Before I start today’s post, I’d like to kindly request that all of my IRL friends and acquaintances stop reading RIGHT NOW. Today’s post will provide a level of detail about my actual life that most definitely qualifies as TMI. I doubt that I could look any readers of this post in the eye, so if you care anything about me, please don’t read any further.

Now, it probably wouldn’t surprise any careful observers of this blog to hear that I don’t always read all of the comments. I skim them all, but sometimes I’m just so busy I don’t have time to fully digest the information. And yeah, I’ve been seriously sucking at responding to comments lately. So sometimes I miss good or interesting comments, because I’m just not paying enough attention. And yes, that so could be a metaphor for lots of other things.

For example, a while ago in a post that referenced the phrase GGG, a reader left the following comment:

I think the idea of being is way overrated. You are what your are and if you aren’t going to enjoy something, why do it?…

I wish I’d seen it at the time, because I would’ve wanted to have a conversation around that.

There are, I’m guessing, many people who feel similarly. Not me! Sooo not me that I’m willing to humiliate myself to an almost unbearable degree to give you all an example of how/why I feel what I feel on this topic.

There’s a thing that I really, really dislike. Really. And that thing is receiving . RECEIVING. I’m a big fan of the giving. But, I don’t enjoy being on the receiving end.

And this isn’t about the skill set of the giver. That’s what I thought when I was in my 20s. That all of the men I knew were doing it wrong. And then finally it hit me. My body just doesn’t work that way. My lady bits are just too sensitive, or whatever, and instead of happy, joy-joy I feel overwhelmed and jumpy and twitchy.

For a few years, I just told guys no thanks. It wasn’t something I enjoyed and there was no need to reciprocate and there were so many other, better ways to make me happy. But what I realized, over time, was that my doing that (saying no) was frequently a total moodkiller.

Not always. It all depended on the guy. Specifically, if it was something that the guy really wanted to do. Because, let’s be honest, there are guys who are really, really into giving head. And telling one of those guys no thank you is essentially spoiling their fun. And likewise spoiling my fun. Because they’re going to be a lot less into whatever else we do do.

Once I realized that, I changed my tune. So, for example, there’s a man I’ve known for years (frequently called the fb here on the blog) who’s a big fan of giving. He knows it will never get me off and that if I had my druthers I’d skip it altogether. But we pretty much never skip it. Because it’s something he enjoys. And because I do that for him (or let him do that to me, whatever) it puts him in an extra-special-happy- mood that I benefit from GREATLY.

Now, I’m not saying I’d do anything to make a partner happy and put him in an extra-special-happy-horny mood. I have, in fact, loudly said no to all sorts of things (there’s a funny/strange story about a cane that sat in the corner of my bedroom for a month because my boyfriend at the time was so sure I’d eventually change my mind and let him cane me). But I do try!

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12 to “Close Your Eyes and Think of England”

  1. NikkiB says:

    So many good points here – yay TMI! Ha!

    One – not *everyone* likes *everything* they are *supposed* to like. Don’t take it freakin’ personally.

    Two – Also: don’t *pretend* just because you’re *supposed* to! I know other women who also find cunnilingus *less* than appealing (…wow… overuse of “*” much).

    Three – Once things are clear about what’s yay! and what’s meh – there is still room for compromise! I would be bummed to be with a woman who didn’t like me going down on her. Because oral is just fun. Maybe she’d let me sometimes (because it turns me on) or maybe I’d avoid (because it doesn’t for her).

    Thanks for sharing! 😀
    NikkiB recently posted..…plotting the return… just FYIMy Profile

    • Simone Grant says:

      LOL. I definitely don’t pretend and I never fake it. Like I said, I just realized that it’s in my own best interested to give (or take, as the case may be) because it gets my partner HAPPY. And I say stop when I hit the point when it’s gone from meh to ick (because that’s the direction it goes with me).

      I just realized that my overall pleasure is greater when I’m open on this. As opposed to saying no and killing the mood.

      But that’s me. Other people gotta do what works for them.

  2. jobo says:

    Ha! I love this post….because ya know? I don’t mind it, but I am also not that comfortable with it. Thought it was weird to feel that way. I sorta feel guilty about getting it, and therefore tend not to enjoy it (probably cuz I could do without the er, giving) as much. and I’m twitchy and sensitive too. So there, TMI from me too 😉
    jobo recently posted..Sometimes- you just need that reminder…My Profile

    • Simone Grant says:

      I’m glad I could encourage others to overshare today, too! Seriously, I think there are a lot of us (who don’t enjoy it). Take that Cosmo!

  3. I love TMI and I loved this post!

    Here’s a little known fact about me; I’m not a huge fan of receiving either 😉
    Miss Melisa Mae recently posted..This Italian Was No StallionMy Profile

  4. Chiara says:

    Am I the only crazy one obsessed with receiving and not giving!? If there is anything this post has made me realize.. it’s this: I need to be GIVING more, poor chap!

    Chiara recently posted..Is it Time To Let Go Saying GoodbyeMy Profile

    • Simone Grant says:

      I’m guessing the answer to that question is NO. According to most girlie mags and most RomComs – woman are “supposed to” like receiving and not giving. Just turns out that that’s not always the case.

  5. Black Iris says:

    Original commenter here –

    I think part of what I was getting at wasn’t so different from your point – your boyfriend wanted you to try being caned but you knew it wasn’t your cup of tea and never would be. So there was no point in trying it (game).

    I can see doing something you didn’t mind to please your partner and then have better sex. I’m still a little puzzled by the whole thing though. Why is a guy really into giving you oral sex if he knows that it doesn’t feel good to you? Wouldn’t that turn him off?

    My other thought is that this might not work in a long-term relationship. At some point you might get tired of going along with oral sex all the time. The guy might get tired of giving something that never worked.

  6. Sandyvs says:

    “I’m still a little puzzled by the whole thing though. Why is a guy really into giving you oral sex if he knows that it doesn’t feel good to you? Wouldn’t that turn him off?”

    It’s because giving oral sex turns HIM on. I love both sides of oral (sixty-nine is FINE) and giving a man oral turns ME on a lot. I’ve also noticed that guys who really get into giving me oral tend to get more aroused when they do.

    • Simone Grant says:

      EXACTLY! Giving can be a real turn-on for some people (I know it is for me). And no, knowing that it doesn’t get me off doesn’t turn him off AT ALL.

      People are weird.

      • Black Iris says:

        I guess I think the turn-on of giving comes from the other person enjoying it. I can imagine that someone might just enjoy the taste/sight/smell of genitals, but have a hard time seeing why it wouldn’t be a turn-off that the oral sex wasn’t pleasing your partner. It seems even odder to me if you know that your partner is feeling jumpy and twitchy.

        I think that if a guy stayed flaccid during a blow job, most women would feel discouraged and not want to go on.