Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Nice is Just a 4-Letter Word

Nice is Just a 4 Letter Word just a story  329000 shameA thought: This Sunday’s Guy’s Story could have just easily been called, ” The Day I Learned I Couldn’t Be to Boys.” And the story would have worked just as well if Christian had been a woman and the girl in the story had been a (or 2 guys, or 2 women…).

People, in general, don’t respect doormats. And no one wants to a spineless jellyfish. Male, female, gay, straight – we all want to a kind and considerate person. AND we are all (OK, maybe not all) also turned off by people with no confidence who are always wishy-wishy and bending over backwards to please us. Some people like doormats, I guess.

It’s just the way people are. We’d rather spend time with an equal. Someone with a clear sense of self-respect who brings more to the table than, “whatever you want.”

Luckily, there’s a lot of room in between. A lot of ways for a person to be genuinely kind and thoughtful and also confident. It doesn’t have to be an either/or thing. Although sometimes it can seem that way.

Anyway, I wanted to mention this, as  some people seemed to miss that point entirely. And I’m really tired of listening to people preaching false dichotomies. TIRED.

 

 

 


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4 to “Nice is Just a 4-Letter Word”


  1. I think at some point I defined “nice” in a comment here. Ah, here it is
    http://www.simonegrant.com/blog/2010/09/28/do-nice-guys-finish-last/comment-page-1/#comment-10040

    Dichotomies for explaining humanity is only done by the stupid or lazy. We are far too complex to be one thing or the other.
    Rufus Shepherd recently posted..He blogs like an unemployed person with moneyMy Profile

  2. nathan says:

    You know, perhaps if the writer had been clearer (with specific examples) about how his behavior had changed based on the relationship he wrote about, fewer readers would have commented like they would.

    This sentence seems to be the kicker “It taught me that that guy, that giving, caring, compassionate, selfless guy, was simply not attractive.” He goes on to say he was never confident and was basically being a doormat, which I agree is totally not sexy. But with the string of things he lists in the sentence I quoted, it’s easy to read it as all of those things were a problem, when the real problem was being a doormat.

    And you know, the Nice Guy/Bad Boy narrative is quite common, and powerful. It’s a view I see being applied to discussions about dating all the time online. And obviously it’s being applied within the context of dating and relationships as well.

    The problem is that no amount of telling people to think more complex and nuanced will change anything. People tend to need to be shown, often again and again, in very specific detail the differences. It’s one of the reasons we end up dating people that are totally wrong for us, sometimes over and over again.
    nathan recently posted..A Few Thoughts on a Rest of My Life Love RelationshipMy Profile

  3. NikkiB says:

    Right on, Simone – with Nathan’s comment above as a perfect addendum.
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  4. Jonsi says:

    What struck me was that had he “acted more like a man” I doubt the relationship would have ended differently. He was 21. Young relationships end, and you do learn lessons. But he goes so far as to stain himself a loser late bloomer for not having a girlfriend until he was 18, and appears like he is shouldering her comment to greatly.

    Just because someone says something, does not mean it is true. It sounds to me like she likely wanted to end the relationship for a while but was trapped in the “unsure how to end it” phase that many of us have experienced — young and old — on both sides. Had he been more of a man, I suspect the likely outcome would have been him calling her out on treating him poorly and the relationship dissolving more quickly, not being retained. Being a doormat does not facilitate loving relationships. But I don’t think that had anything to do with it. Rather, I think his lack of confidence has allowed him to embrace her criticism as truth, him shouldering all the blame, instead of him recognizing where he needs to draw boundaries not to keep someone attracted to him, but to not settle himself for poor treatment.