Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

The Day I Learned I Couldn’t Be Nice To Women

We’re having a glorious weekend in NYC. Nearly perfect weather, if there is such a thing. But I wanted to take a few minutes away from my sun worship (with ample sunblock, of course) to share this fabulous new Guy’s Story with you. Today’s guest author is Christian Polanco, a comedian and podcaster who does this cool podcast where he interviews comedians about their relationships. You should check it out.

The Day I Learned I Couldn’t Be Nice To Women

When I was a teenager, I was terribly shy around girls. And I believe this came from the fact that I had a tough dad, who wasn’t always nice to my mom, so my instinct was always to be protective of women. My instincts always told me to be nice to them because I presumed everyone grew up like I did; in an environment where women were emotionally abused. Because of this, I couldn’t get a , and I wanted one desperately. I was 18 when I first kissed a girl, and got my first . I know, It took a while.

When I met my first girlfriend, I totally felt she was a blessing. She liked me. That never happened before. I was always in the friend zone. So much that I thought that was where I was supposed to be. But when we started dating, I thought, “thank the lord, I’m not gay.” We dated for nearly three years. It was a great experience and she was a wonderful person, but I honestly had no clue on how to be a boyfriend. All I knew about being a boyfriend was watching how Zack Morris treated Kelly Kapowski from Saved By The Bell. And I always told myself to never be as insensitive and careless as Zack.

So I went with what I knew. I was nice. All the time. I was selfless. I was understanding. I never criticized her. I never wanted to make her sad, ever. But what do they, say? Nice guys finish last, right?

The day I learned I couldn’t be that guy happened a few days after Christmas. She was wearing  a brand new pair of white Diesel shoes that I had gotten her. We planned a date to go to the movies. I went to go pick her up in my dad’s Geo Metro. She got in the car and was in an awful mood (not because of the embarrassing car). She wouldn’t speak to me and wouldn’t tell me what was wrong. I tried to get it out of her, but she wouldn’t crack. I figured it may not have anything to do with me and maybe the movie would cheer her up. So we get to the movie theater. I park the car. We walk to the box office. The movie she wants to see is sold out. Now she’s even more upset. As soon as we hear the movie is sold out, it starts pouring rain. Her shoes are ruined. She’s furious. I immediately suggest we see another movie, but she says, “forget it, I just want to go home.” So i said “okay.” Now the evening is ruined before it even got started.

We walk back to the car and as we get inside she finally speaks to me. She says, “Christian, i’m just not happy with the relationship right now” (I didn’t understand. But I’m so nice to you).  She then says, “Look, I just need you to be more of a man” (Ouch!)

That is the lowest I have ever felt in any relationship, ever. I felt worthless and emasculated. So as soon as she said that…..I started crying.

She saw how much that hurt me, then she started crying. We both cried in the car for a few minutes. She immediately apologized. She felt awful for saying it. And all that tension was gone. We broke up a few months later

I cared about her a lot, but that was a pivotal moment in my life because it taught me something. It taught me that that guy, that giving, caring, compassionate, selfless guy, was simply not attractive. I wasn’t behaving like a guy who’s girlfriend wanted to find him sexy. I did everything she wanted. That isn’t sexy. I never showed confidence. I just assumed, if i showed that I loved her, that would be enough. It wasn’t. She wanted to want me. And she was struggling with that because she didn’t feel like she had a prize for a man anymore. I am grateful for her and what she taught me.  Her criticism was informing me that I needed to show confidence, consistently. That moment shaped who I am today. While I am not a “mean” guy now, by any means. I learned that I couldn’t be nice to every woman. They don’t all deserve it. I can’t be a whore with my niceness. It’s not classy.

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12 to “The Day I Learned I Couldn’t Be Nice To Women”

  1. Lennie Ross says:

    So very true, although women like to be treated nicely, I’ll admit the we also like the thrill of the chase, and a confident man who takes control and might be hard to tie down at times.

    We’re a paradox, what can we say? :)

    Lennie Ross
    Lennie Ross recently posted..Hamm Sandwich- AnyoneMy Profile

  2. Sandyvs says:

    This is the best example I’ve read about being too nice. It shows the difference between being a nice or good person and being a total pushover, which most people find distasteful in men or women. It’s not a balanced relationship when one person does all the giving and one does all the taking. I enjoyed reading (and forwarding) your perspective.

  3. Judah says:

    I agree with what your saying. I have dated women who craved a mental slapped to the face and I wasnt that type of those relationships didnt work. Once I tried to switch it up and I was that jerk…Got everything I wanted and then some but it wasnt real. But somewhere inbetween those situations I will be a woman who actually does enjoy flowers and candy and being treated well. Just be who you are…the universe works itself out.
    Judah recently posted..Mood Music Moment- Take Off Your CoolMy Profile

  4. Black Iris says:

    But is he having successful relationships now? Because I’m not sure he got the right lesson from what happened. Maybe this particular girlfriend was shallow. Maybe she meant something else by the comment.

    I don’t think acting confident all the time is going to work out long-term.

  5. I’m with Black Iris. Women DO want caring, compassionate guys. I’m not speaking only for myself. All my women friends want this, too. A woman who says she doesn’t isn’t looking for a relationship, is shallow, playing games, or all of he above. If what you want is just a good time, then be the kind of man that makes women chase him. It will be fun and sexy for a little while. But if you’re looking for a real relationship, then you better treat women well.
    The Reason You Come recently posted..Get a clueMy Profile

  6. nathan says:

    I agree. There’s something off here.

    It makes sense to me to not just be a lapdog, going along with every last thing someone else wants or thinks. You have to be yourself, be ok with differing opinions sometimes, and yes, be confident when a situation calls for it.

    However, the whole game playing, you must chase me and prove you’re a “man” bs is tired. Tired nonsense. Most of the women I know, including those I have been with, don’t want a man who is always “in control” and “running the show with confidence.” That might be sexy on occasion, but it gets bloody old if it’s the dominant theme of the relationship – sometimes really quickly.

    Being confident all the time is also not real. And women tend to loathe fakers who aren’t vulnerable enough to share their low points and confusion within a relationship. (Plenty of men also loathe fakers like this as well.) Really, it’s only those who are into hiding themselves, and putting on a show that love this kind of stuff. For the rest of us, it’s more about wanting a balance.
    nathan recently posted..A Few Thoughts on a Rest of My Life Love RelationshipMy Profile

  7. This is a lesson my husband is learning more and more as we have opened our marriage and we are both dating again. His MO was always to be the nice guy. I appreciate your sharing of this post.

    Tis a lesson learned better late than never.

  8. Marrie says:

    I have to agree with Christian! Selfless to the point loosing yourself is not sexy. Neither is kindness to the point of “whoring” yourself. It’s not that women require a man to be mean, we just require a man to be confident in his own decisions and in his own preferences, ESPECIALLY when they don’t meet with ours!This is the same quality we look for in our friends, why wouldn’t we want the this in a partner? Besides, how can anyone know if they’re truly a good match if someone is always placating? Eventually, the real you will have to come out or you’ll be very unhappy for a very long time.
    Marrie recently posted..Things Every Man Should Know How To Do- Tips for Men by a WomanMy Profile

  9. Tom says:

    I think some of may be disagreeing for the wrong reasons. Christian isn’t advocating being a selfish ass-butt. There’s an inherent understanding that a man who will not stand up to you will not stand up for you. Similarly, all of us, and sometimes it’s done subconsciously, provoke people close to us to force them to shake us out of patterns of thought or behavior. Sometimes we call this testing boundaries. Good work standing up for yourself.
    I bet you talk in the low R&B voice on the phone with girls when no one else can hear you.

  10. Terry D says:

    The difference between the good guy who’s trying to convince you he’s worthy of being fucked by you and the bad boy who IS fucking you is that the bad boy has enough self respect to say no to you when he needs to. I was born to be used and that’s a fact but I was not born to be abused – Christian is right about whoring himself – not attractive. At all. Ever.
    Terry D recently posted..Summer fling – for the Insomnia ClubMy Profile

  11. manbeard says:

    It’s about leadership – as dumb as that sounds. Sometimes the troops need all the understanding and compassion in the world and sometimes they need to be told to cut the crap and pull it together. Some sort of ‘direction’ is needed from men for us to be attractive – and it is all very true. I’ll leave an anecdote: my father has a very old friend, who has been a very successful marriage counselor for many years. My father always instilled in me a respect for women. I was a very nice young boy. Then one day my father surprised me, with some advice about the treatment of women… the marriage counselor once told my father, “Women like you more if they see an edge.” I took that message to heart and have ever since enjoyed greater fulfillment in relationships.

  12. Gemmy says:

    I know this is coming really late, but I only just came across the article. The problem wasn’t that Christian was being too “nice”, it’s that he wasn’t being his true self. And THAT act gets old fast. It is possible to be nice and supportive and still be a regular human being with a backbone who says what he thinks (tactfully) and disagrees when he doesn’t agree (respectfully).

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