Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

We Weren’t Close

We Werent Close just a story  So, it’s past noon and I’m taking a break to something. As usual(for the past month-ish) I have a bunch of posts I started this weekend but couldn’t focus on enough to finish.

It was Mother’s Day this weekend. And as I’ve mentioned before, my mother passed away a few years ago. Not too long after I started this blog.

For whatever reason, this year, Mother’s Day hit me harder than ever before. And I couldn’t help but fall into a little bit of a funk, no matter how hard I tried not to.

My and I had a complicated relationship. When new(er) people to my life ask about her, I say that we weren’t close. But that’s not entirely true.  Saying that you’re not close with your mother conjures up images of people who don’t talk. Whereas my and I talked several times a week. We just weren’t emotionally close.

Like many women, my relationship with my mother was complicated by the fact that she didn’t understand the life I chose or the choices I made. Didn’t understand, and as far as I could tell, didn’t approve of it. And while she did her best to be supportive when she could be, she also didn’t hide her that I didn’t live a different life, the one she would have chosen for me. Not a conversation passed that I didn’t hear about it…

So this weekend when other people were celebrating Mother’s Day, or mourning their mom’s, I was having a little pity party. Thinking of how much I disappointed her, and how much I resented her constantly putting me down and how sad it makes me.

Anyway, this is not a Happy Mother’s Day post. It’s not a happy anything post. But maybe there’s someone out there that can relate.

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9 to “We Weren’t Close”

  1. EvolvingWife says:

    Thank you for your post. I wish I had seen it earlier. I was in a funk most of the weekend. Ironically when I tweeted about my issues with my mother I lost followers. Why is being non-monogamous more socially acceptable than having a rough relationship with one’s mother? I’m still scratching my head about that.

    I’m going to read more of your posts about your mom and applaud your courage for talking about it.

    EvolvingWife recently posted..Home sweet homeMy Profile

  2. Lennie Ross says:

    Thanks for this, I can totally relate. I often regret my falling out with most of my family, it really wasn’t my mother’s fault, she was sort of collateral damage of my siblings inner-fighting and strife.

    But alas, I called her to wish her Happy Mother’s Day, and though we had a nice conversation, it was short and light-hearted, with our underlining tension and family tribulations constantly riding below the surface :(

    Lennie Ross
    Lennie Ross recently posted..My Ex Was BipolarMy Profile

  3. Marrie says:

    I appreciate your post and am someone who relates but for different reasons. My biological mother left when I was three and my father dated a woman on and off for nearly 30 years. I called his girlfriend “mom” but she was a very poor example of a mother and it wasn’t until I had my daughter did a realize it. I think I called her mom to try to fit in or portray life as “normal”. I wanted to have a piece of the Hallmark illusion. I haven’t ever really had a mother to celebrate on Mother’s Day and it used to be a melancholy day of reflection. Now I make it a day of redemption…in my daughter’s name!
    Marrie recently posted..Paul…Let It BeMy Profile

  4. IntrigueMe says:

    I can relate, so thanks for posting this. :)

    My Mom and I have had an emotionally distant relationship since my parents divorce when I was 15. We talk all the time, but she doesn’t really get to be included in the intimate parts of my life. I gave her a hug yesterday (a really quick sort of half-hug) for the first time in years and I felt so awkward. Our relationship has been improving over the last few years, but it’s a slow process.
    IntrigueMe recently posted..PatheticMy Profile

  5. Simone Grant says:

    Thank you ladies for chiming in here, letting me know I’m not alone, and sharing your stories. Families are hard. Holidays are hard. Feeling like you’re alone with your feelings….

  6. LadyD says:

    Gee, did we have the same mother? *sigh* My mother died in 2008; and I had not spoken to her for over a year before that. Did I feel guilt? NO. Years of therapy and so much self-study taught me that I did NOT have to eat her “Guilt-Cheese Sandwiches” – she was such a miserable person, and made so many lives hell due to her narcissistic personality disorder. I could NEVER do right in her eyes, even though I’ve been on my own and financially sufficient and successful since I was 19! She wanted Holly Hobbie as a daughter; she got Dorthy Parker instead – Meh! I can so relate, as all my friends who are moms or who have decent moms had so many posts on FB about their love for their mothers, and I just read them and thought, “I’m so glad mine’s gone!” Was greatful to have a quiet weekend to myself, and not having to worry about what negative spew she’d sling at me THIS year. I *hate* these pseudo-holidays . . . Hang in there, Hon – you’re not alone. *HUGS*

  7. Kat says:

    Just wanted to write that I appreciate you post. I’m sorry you didn’t have a close relationship with your Mom.
    Kat recently posted..Holy Week – He Is RisenMy Profile

  8. Liz says:

    I can relate. I guess she’s given up on me, because she doesn’t do it as much anymore, but in the past every time we talked my mother would tell me about all the former childhood friends of mine who had gotten married and had kids. At the same time, she would say that if she had to do it all over again, she wouldn’t have kids. Talk about mixed messages!

    I pulled this book off a used table last year… despite the cheesy title, I found it helpful:

  9. TarynItUp says:

    I know this is an older post, but I definitely relate. My mother is still around, and I feel like we have an emotional divide. I think some of it has to do with my grandmother, who was never supportive of my mother emotionally and she’s passed down this passive-aggressive meanness to how she treats me. I can’t lie and say it’s not tough sometimes. It’s caused me to build up a wall of defense that she acts like is all my fault (I could be sunny and happy, but it’s tough when someone is negative all the time, ya know?). I feel like somehow I will always fall short b/c I am not thin enough, or that I’m not pretty enough or some kind of standard of how women should be (I’m a big sports fan, and actually met my husband through our same sports interests, go figure). It’s made me more tolerable of people who may have different interests than me, or those who may have off-the-beaten path beliefs/hobbies. You have touched on a topic eloquently and with tact that a lot of people wouldn’t have been able to handle. Well done :)

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