Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Confessions of a Jerk: A Curious Case of Super Dickery

Today’s guest post comes from Alex of The Urban Dater Fame. For tawdry tales of deceit and dickery I present…

Confessions of a Jerk: A Curious Case of Super Dickery

I’ve done the fade before. In fact, I probably deserve an award if such things were given out for exemplary talent in disappearing from a relationship like a ninja with a smoke ball from room of people he just killed…

Yeah, I was good, damn good…

Life has a funny sense of humor sometimes, it has a way of humbling a person when they least expect it. Life did that to me by giving me a series of unstable women that cried at inappropriate times and had issues with yelling and violently kicking me in the crotch. It took a friend telling me that perhaps life was garnishing my mental health by providing me a never ending list of crazy women to date… “Perhaps,” my friend opined, “this is karma just biting you in the beans, right where it counts.” Yes, my friend said “beans” and I got the point. I cut off ties with these crazy FWBs and the like. I knew something needed to change.

I stopped dating for a couple months and detoxified myself in hopes that my right hand would be enough to tame my appetite. It worked for a while.

Then, one cold and dreary evening I was up late at a local coffee shop doing some reading and research… I can’t remember which Playboy issue I was reading, though… Hmmm. Anyway, I was there when a young woman came up to me and complimented the coat I was wearing. I insisted she could not say such a nice thing and not sit down to have a chat with me.

We talked for like an hour, when her friends were ready to leave. She gave me her phone number and went on her way. This girl, now, was much younger than me and a sophomore and barely old enough to drink legally… I was thirty… I knew better, but I was going to get arthritis in my right hand if I didn’t DO SOMETHING or… someone.

Katie and I met up for a drink at her favorite watering hole, downtown. Turns out the joint was hosting the Brodeo. That is, tons of bros wearing Affliction and Ed Hardy shirts. I’m pretty sure I heard Sugar Ray on the speakers. We shared a beer and I promptly took us elsewhere, to a swanky joint across the street and around the corner. The Conti always treated me well, as it was a swanky place with a lot of swag and it kind of makes everyone seem like they have more swagger than they do. We had a shot and some drinks.

Katie, the more she drank the more direct she became. Funny how that works, isn’t it? Long story short we ended up back at my place and took a magic carpet ride that left us both a little bruised by the end it was fun.

She kept on calling and wanting to hang out and I just didn’t have the free time that she had, which seemed like a lot for a college student, but I digress… I’d been avoiding Katie for the better part of a month, but, man, this girl was persistent. She even asked me if I didn’t want to see her anymore. I didn’t tell her that was the case (which it quickly became the case). Regardless, I was being a pussy.

The following day, at work, I was meeting with a sales rep. He and I had a good rapport and had lunch often, even though I bought jack squat from the guy. David told me during our conversation: “You know, Alex, I used to be a shy guy but I started purposely getting out of my comfort zone and I began to grow. I consistently do things that are out of my comfort zone. That’s the key to personal growth man.” Well, holy shit, that guy helped me turn over a new leaf. I was going to step out of my comfort zone and avoid doing the fade. I was going to confront this girl…

That evening Katie called me twice. After the second time I called her back and I remember the conversation vividly and it went a little like this:

Me: Hey.

Katie: Hi you

Me: So ummm.

Katie: <interrupts me> Omg! I hate school so much!!

Me: Uhhh

Katie: <interrupts me> God, this professor is such a dick and like…

Me: I don’t want to date you anymore.

Katie: And everyone in the class was like, yeah, like he’s a dick

Me: Hey!! Ummm, I don’t think we should date. I think we should be friends.

Katie: What?

Me: I just think we’re too different

Katie: So you can sleep with me but not date me, right?

Me: Look, I mean it was fun…

Katie: Fun!!? Are you fucking kidding me right now?

Me: Well, no, it’s not a joke; I think we’d make great friends.

Katie: Fuck you, asshole!!! I thought you were different cause you’re older, but you’re like all the other jerks I date.

(at this point I gave up on a civil discourse. I became a little annoyed and launched into what I do best, which is to mess with peoples’ heads)

Me: I don’t see why you have a problem with being my friend

Katie: Why would I want to be friends with you? You’re a dick!!!

Me: Well, maybe, but it kind of makes me think that you only cared about the sex. I’m trying to salvage a friendship here and you don’t want to have any of it.

Katie: Wait, what are you talking about?

Me: Well, you’re saying that it’s all about sex with me, but I’m trying to be friends with you. That is the ultimate show that I am not interested in just sex with you. I think we’d be good friends.

Katie: I really don’t get you.

Me: So what, you’ve never stayed friends with guys you dated?

Katie: We didn’t date, we fucked. I see that now and, no, I don’t stay friends with guys I fuck.

Me: So I’m just some guy you fucked? That’s all I was to you?

Katie: Sigh, what, what? No, wait. What the fuck are you talking about!!? You said you didn’t want to see me!!!

Me: I never said that, I said I wanted to be friends. So what do you say?

Katie: <Silence>

Me: Do you need time to think about it?

Katie: <silence>

Me: I can hear you brea—-

Katie: This is so weird…

Me: You think forging everlasting friendships is “weird?”

Katie: I’ve never been rejected like this… I mean, this is weird.

Me: People get rejected all the time, trust me. I know all about that…

Katie: I mean, am I not attractive?

Me: I don’t think your looks have anything to do with having a successful friendship. You’re awfully shallow. You know that?

Katie: Whatever. I just can’t make the connection of being friends with someone you like fucking, but doesn’t want to, you know, fuck you back…

Me: Total noodle-bender, right?

Katie: Who does that?

Me: Well, I think this goes to show that women are just as shallow as men and want sex just as much. Society tells us that it’s okay for men to be this way, yet a double standard for women exists. It’s okay, you’d rather fuck me than be friends with me… It’s kind of messed up, but I accept this truth and hold no grudges here.

Katie: <silence>

Me: So how about that friendship?

Katie: <click> <ringtone>


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12 to “Confessions of a Jerk: A Curious Case of Super Dickery”

  1. single much says:

    That girl was damaged for at least two years after this conversation. lol. You’re such a dick! I hope you do more of these tales of dickery. It reminds me that even the nice ones can be assholes. :p
    single much recently posted..Pint SizedMy Profile

  2. HP says:

    If you would have had the balls to say that you didn’t want to see her anymore when she first asked you, none of the persistent calls, texts, etc. would have happened. I don’t get why a lot of men can’t grow a pair and tell a girl to their face that all they want is a one night stand. It just seems really stupid, and so overly dramatic (which is apparently what you try to avoid) and makes me have respect for the ones that are blunt about it.

    • alex says:

      Of course, you are absolutely correct here. I should have owned up and told this girl I wanted to hookup. I told myself I wanted more, but that was a lie. I knew it. My pair, with healthy doses of water and humility have grown quite a bit since the time of that story, I’ll have you know!

  3. Cosmic says:

    Super dick! And not the good kind…smh

  4. Jack says:

    What I find amazing is: everyone commenting on how dickish this was. The post is entitled: A Case of Super Dickery. Was anyone expecting anything less?

    Jack recently posted..The Exquisite Lover- pt 3- ResonanceMy Profile

    • Kayle says:

      no. I was just expecting it to be funny. This is A88HOLE proportions without even a punchline. unless you think unnecessary cruelty IS a punchline.

      This girl is going to go around “trying not to be shallow” with more A$$holes. Ha-HA!!! that’s a good one!!!

  5. Wow. Jedi mind trick. Bowing down to the master…

    p.s. Please do not talk to my husband. Ever. Don’t take it personal. Thanks. xxoo

  6. Bela says:

    You are a total mind fucker.. lol. I had like the likes of you in my life at one point.. Thnx for the insight of your pussyness.. GL in finding the woman that will make you pay for it all!! 😉

  7. IntrigueMe says:

    I almost laughed- but I stopped myself because WHOA– dickery is an understatement!!
    IntrigueMe recently posted..Great Day for a Blog PostMy Profile

  8. Annie says:

    This is something I need to send on to my college freshman daughter. A great educational bit from the horse’s mouth. Be sure to keep a copy of this for your own use, should you ever have daughters yourself. Ha! I’d love to see the look on your face when you re-read it from a dad’s perspective…

  9. Aydika says:

    To your defense, I have to say it sounds like you did what most sane people would do: Avoid engagement for a bit and hope the other party “gets the clue.” When she didn’t get the clue, you told her outright you weren’t interested. And it sounds like she flipped out. (Maybe she tripped over her ego.) Can’t say I’d call this dickery, but rather a valuable example: Save yourself some time and energy by just stating the facts up front. The truth will come out eventually. (ie: You’re not interested; she’s a little crazy.) Another a side-ish lesson: If you want to get noticed by women, dress well. Your jacket was the entry point for this whole affair. As a Hendricks Park Mens’ Style Expert, I can’t tell you how common this is. Dress well and they will come. The rest is up to you. :)

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