So this is a blog post I’ve been meaning to write for a while. Or thinking I should, but not wanting to because I didn’t want to seem like a whiny, crazy lady. But the truth is, I kinda don’t care if (more) people think I’m nuts.
It’s been over a month since I’ve been on a date. And while I’ve been really busy this month, my schedule’s got nothing to do with it.
I haven’t been dating because I don’t feel good about how I look. OK, that’s an understatement. I feel really bad about how I look. I look in the mirror and all I see is the extra 10+ lbs I’ve gained recently and my stringy hair and my blotchy skin. And I think, you look like shit and no man will want you like this.
And so I let the messages pile up in my online dating inboxes. Because I can’t bear the thought of showing up on a date and having some man think that I’m not as attractive as my pictures (I used to pride myself on how often men said I’m MORE attractive than my pictures – and yes I know how vain that is). Note: my pictures are only a few months old. Funny how quickly things can change.
So there it is. I’m not dating because I feel ugly. I came out and told this to a few friends, recently. Each of whom poo-poo’d it. As if it were the craziest I’ve ever said. But I have eyes. And a scale. And I can’t help seeing what I see. Even if it is an exaggerated version of reality.
The mean mirror.
The weight, honestly, is something I’ve been struggling with for a few months. It’s a side effect from a change in my medication, mixed with my completely lethargic lifestyle (I work from home and sometimes sit in the same place for 12 hours a day). The new meds have kicked up my appetite, leaving me with a choice – eat more or obsess about food all day. I’d rather just eat. My doctor and I talked about it (she acknowledged the side effect was normal) and I’m actually feeling better, so I’m going to stick with the new pills. Luckily it’s getting warmer and so I’ll be inspired to get out and move more. Maybe burn some of the extra calories. Or not.
And the rest… well, I just stopped taking good care of myself when I started to feel bad about my weight.
So why am I writing about this? Because I write about dating and I wanted to be honest about why I’m not dating. And because I’m guessing I’m not the only person who’s ever found herself wrestling with her self-image and lost. Even when we have lots more to offer, many of us judge ourselves (harshly) by our appearance. I know I do. And when I look in the mirror and see a less attractive version of me, it affects my life. I’m less likely to go to social functions and less likely to date.
No happy ending here. No pledge to do better. Honestly, I’m doing the best I can.
Tags: blog, crazy, date, food, self-esteem