Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Don’t Say Hello

Before I begin today’s topic, just a quick mention that this is another Insomniac Club post. You can follow along in real time via using the #insomniaclub hashtag.

Don’t Say Hello

There are things I wish I could say to men on the first date. Before the first date. Telepathically as they first lay eyes on me.

– Sex is very important to me. I said VERY IMPORTANT to me.

– I have a lousy memory but am damn good at catching people in lies.

– I don’t suffer fools gladly.

– Complexity is sexy. Simplicity, not so much.

I should probably stop.  I could go on all day, and the longer the list gets, the scarier/more deranged I seem. But there is one more/big thing I need to mention, and this one is the true topic of today’s post.

– Don’t say hello if you’re not in the habit of saying goodbye.

Goodbye.  It’s a simple concept.

Speaking of goodbye and goodbyes, I have a short story to tell. I probably should have warned you about the tangents.

One of my dearest friends had been seeing someone for a couple of months. It wasn’t super-serious, but they’d been seeing each other every weekend. Here I should note that the guy he was seeing lived more than an hour away. My friend realized at the two-ish month point that the relationship really didn’t have a future and he just wasn’t that into the guy. Or vice versa. So he arrived at their next date (driving over an hour) and immediately told the guy in question that he’d enjoyed spending time with him but blah blah blah.

The exact words don’t matter. He said something to the effect that they weren’t a good match. And since my friend is a very smart and sensitive guy I know he didn’t do anything stupid like give reasons or place blame. At least, I hope he didn’t.

Anyway, the guy he was dating got mad and basically asked him why he’d come all that way just to end things. And then suggested that it would have been better if he just disappeared.  Which is, I guess, what he would’ve done. Faded.

Truth: There are people who fade and people who don’t.

My friend is not the kind of person who fades. It would eat away at him. He believes that people deserve a simple goodbye. So that they know.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term, , here’s a working definition. is when a person doesn’t want to come out and say, “I don’t want to see you anymore” or something to that effect (and hopefully more polite) and so instead discontinues all communication. Thus, fading, is the act of disappearing from a relationship instead of picking up the phone and communicating a desire to end things.

I have very strong thoughts and about The Fade.  I think that people who choose to fade, rather than simply saying, “I don’t think we’re a good match,” are selfish. Amongst other things.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m no angel. I’ve been tempted to do it myself.  To simply disappear from casual relationships. But, in the end, I always stop myself. My rule of thumb is simple – more than 4 or 5 dates and the guy deserves a call. Less than that…it’s debatable.  If he calls, texts or emails more than 2x before getting the hint then the right thing to do is to pick up the damn phone.

He doesn’t deserve an explanation, but he deserves a call. So that he isn’t wondering (not that I think guys are sitting around wondering about me, but people do think about one another, and I never want to be THAT WOMAN). Because, seriously, there is nothing worse than wondering… maybe he didn’t get the message, he’s probably really busy with that new project, I should give it another day, did I do something to offend him?, are we still getting together next Friday because I haven’t heard anything from him and he isn’t returning my calls/texts…

Wondering sucks. Communication is awesome.  That is all.

Now go check out what the other members of the Insomnia Club have written.  And bookmark their blogs while you’re at it.

50 Ways to Leave Your Lover by Jack from Brooklyn

Sometimes Silence is the Best Closure by MetAnotherFrog

Fade To Black by The Urban Dater

The Fade by Miss Melisa Mae

You Say Fade? I Say Cop-Out by Women Are From Mars

To Fade or Not to Fade by Jess Downey

Fadeaway and Forget-Me-Not by FeistyWoman

Eyes Open By Totally Tyler

Where The Hell Did You Go by SingleMuch

Fading Into the Shadows by Miss Taylor Cast

Da Fade by Thank You For Your Sex

Ms. Fading Failure by Manshopping in Paris

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15 to “Don’t Say Hello”

  1. NikkiB says:

    The story was a nice addition! Interesting… yeah, I suppose I have to admit there are probably people who prefer you just disappear (*smiley face*). I just prefer honesty. Yeah – it sucks, but you aren’t wondering and THEN getting rejected.

    • Simone Grant says:

      The more I date, the more I realize how odd people are. There are no right answers and no one right way to behave. Different people like different things. Or something like that.

  2. C says:

    I wholeheartedly agree. It may be an awkward conversation, a tough thing to do, but ending things decently shows character and integrity. Whether I’m doing the ending of being… ended… upon… (awkward), I want both parties to walk away knowing that while it may not have worked, it was with a person of good character. And also, as you mention, there is absolutely nothing worse than being left guessing and wondering. Great post – thanks for sharing!

  3. Vondrake says:

    Well sometimes you don´t know how to say good-bye and sometimes you have to “good-bye” the relationship.
    We, men, know how to do that very well. Women are learning, but, besides that both fall in a bad mood after left behind with no explanation.
    I think how you end “it” dependes on the relation between both. Because, ending “it” decently shows integrity and good character but sometimes, even being a “good person” you don´t know how to say good-bye and you don´t wanna hurt the other.
    Shit happens, even in relationships.

    • Simone Grant says:

      Shit does indeed happen. And few people know what to say, at all times. The best we can do is try our best. Sadly, lots of people don’t even try. They just shrug their shoulders and say, “it’s too hard.”

  4. jackie says:

    I’ve been both the guy who didn’t communicate and the guy who wondered what I did wrong. The latter taught me not to ever be the former again.


  5. Insomnia – funny thing about having a son- you get plenty of insomnia. Before I had him I had more- now there is something worthy of being awake about. Plus, have you ever noticed the silly thoughts that keep you up are silly when the sun starts to shine (most of the time).

    I was pretty good at the fade. But the fade was a transition – where the relationship became more about being friends and less about being a couple. It resulted in a lot of women who were my friends. Some of those friends faded – typically as they had relationships where the guy was jealous. One fellow got upset when I got a former girlfriend a nice gift (something I had promised her before) – and I had to have “the talk.” Which was – listen buddy, your lady is a good friend of mine. We tried being a couple, and we ended up being friends- and will probably be friends til we are old in a nursing home- but I’m not attracted to her in any sexual way. They worked it out- they married – and they moved.

    Do you think that sometimes there is too much drama- we “want” an answer- we want an ending – where sometimes we are just needing to transition? Or some are so wanting a distinct line that they will cheat on the other just to make a point? I don’t know- just things I’ve wondered about.

  6. eleanore says:

    I think The Fade is for cowards. That being said, I’ve been guilty of being “The Fade-r” from time to time. Sometimes it’s just easier. A few times I didn’t even realize I had Faded until I was called on it. That’s how uninterested I was. I should do better.

    The Spinterlicious Life

    • Simone Grant says:

      Interesting. I bet you’re not the only person who ever stopped communicating w/o much thought to it (hence fading unintentionally). And we can all do better.

  7. Love this topic! So much that I’m now following #insomniaclub on Twitter.
    Memoirs of a Single Dad recently posted..Dad vs Father and Dad’s RightsMy Profile

  8. Charlotte says:

    As someone who is trying desperately to navigate my way around the dating scene, I have developed a very passionate hatred for The Fade. I would do as your friend had done (and actually DID do this recently with very positive outcome–the guy appreciated my honesty and we’ve remained friends!). Maybe I’m just a sucker for closure, but I feel it’s a respectful gesture that clears up a lot of the guesswork later on. I don’t want to sit around and wonder why you haven’t called.

  9. Man-shopper says:

    It really irks me when I hear about people who react so negatively to honesty and mature behavior. I recently was upfront with a guy about not being into it after just a couple dates; I thought that he was a nice guy, and I didn’t feel that he deserved to be left wondering. In response, he was so hostile that I seriously questioned my decision to be a decent human being in the first place. Part of the reason why the Fade is so widely used is because we are so often faced with silly people who can’t handle things like adults…
    Man-shopper recently posted..Ms Fading FailureMy Profile

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