Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Breathing Self-Doubt

families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”

-Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy

Sometimes I hear myself say something and I think, Yeah, sounds about right. That’s the way it was, last week, during my radio show.  I was talking about unhappy relationships, and how I’d rather be single than stuck in an unhappy (ever again). Hell, I’d rather be trapped in a closet alone with no food than in an unhappy relationship.

I can’t speak for anyone else, but for me, unhappy relationships are all alike.  At least, they all feel alike.

They start off happy. And the happy parts are always different. As different as the men are different. As different as the days of the year. And then…

How they devolve into sadness, that’s always different, too. Sometimes there’s an actual thing that happens. A lie that’s told. Or found out about. Or an argument. Maybe one person does something to hurt the other, intentionally or not.

And sometimes nothing happens. Sometimes things just slide into sadness. One person pulls away, or changes. And then the other reacts. Maybe poorly.

And then we hit the unhappy stage, and that’s always the same. Each moment of each day is filled with self doubt. I try to clear my mind and think of other things but I can’t. blinds me to all other thoughts. I breathe it in, with each new breathe. It’s corrosive and toxic.

The self-doubt leaks, from thoughts of my relationship to thoughts about everything else. My work, my friends, my family. Everything is less clear, less sure, less safe. Because something I was so sure of has changed.

I lose my footing. My sense of real. And eventually that self-doubt turns into self-loathing. Because I hate my own weakness. Loathe it.

I don’t know if other people experience this. This acute self-doubt and self-loathing when their relationships go bad.  But I do. And I have the deep emotional scars to show for it. Some of them over a decade old.

I hope that one day all of my scars will finally heal and I can truly and completely forgive myself. For all of it. Whatever it is.

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14 to “Breathing Self-Doubt”

  1. C. Fassett says:

    I can certainly relate, and just wrote about my own battle with self doubt in my last two blogs. It’s horrible. I hear you, Simone. We’ll both hold on and keep going. Keep going.

  2. single much says:

    LOVE this. So well written. I can relate for sure.

  3. Azarel says:

    You know what I absolutely love about personal blogs like this one?…the fact that so many people can read them and realise that they’re not the only person on the planet that feels the same way about any particular matter. It almost feels…good

    • Simone Grant says:

      Almost feels good, when you’re not crying or biting your nails or banging your head against the wall… oh wait, that’s me:-)
      Welcome btw.

      • Azarel says:

        uuuhhhh I never really caught on to the habit of biting my nails…but i’m still sure there are a lot of people that can relate to that too 😛

  4. Been to that dark place many times. Try not to let your thoughts defeat you. I know this is a cliche but time heals. In the meantime, stay busy. And write, write, write! It’s therapeutic!

  5. Ayana says:

    It allways seems to amaze me how people choose to be in an un happy relationship. If your not happy your in the wrong relationship. The wright person for you is going want to make you smile every day your together. In life your given a choise. And no one is forcing you to stay with a person who is making you unhappy! If they are you MUST seek help ASAP. When love is involved it does not hurt. People who want to be in a relationship should know there self worth, they would not be in an unhappy relationship. And if there is self dout going on there’s a good chance your in the wrong relationship, or you might want to seek professional help…. One of the two. Get rid of the drama, and Move on to some one who makes you happy. People deserve that, life is WAY TO SHORT!

    • Simone Grant says:

      I’m curious – who are you preaching at?

      This is a post written by a single woman (me) that clearly states I’d rather be single than in a bad relationship. I’m reflecting back on bad relationships past, BEFORE I ENDED THEM.

      Perhaps you just like to preach.

  6. My bad relationship kept me down for quite a while as well. It was a downward spiral that started off, like you said, like all other relationships start. It started well. The worst part was the toxicity of the relationship and how I carried it forward for so long. It took quite a few months and a serious ‘ah ha’ moment for me to start climbing back up. Luckily I did and I think I’m a stronger, more aware person than I was then.

  7. Ayana says:

    I was not preaching to you. I love your blog! I was just talking about other women.

  8. Lennie Ross says:

    I agree with you, Simone. Much rather to be single and happy than together and miserable. I was in one of those unhappy families, and when my dad finally left, I asked him “What took you so long?” One happy parent is better than two unhappy parents. Your writing is profoundly beautiful.

  9. oc says:

    When dealing with self-doubt, why not just let it go? Try the Sedona Method.