Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Give a Guy a Chance?

So this is a story of me being completely picky and unreasonable. Or maybe it’s not.   is, my is a little hazy on the details.

I got a message in my online dating the other day from a man who wondered why I rejected him (he didn’t use those words, but that’s what he was asking). I guess he saw that I’d looked at his profile and didn’t contact him.

So, a couple of things. First off, I don’t remember looking at his profile. I had, the night before, looked at some profiles. But I wasn’t putting much thought into it. And I didn’t message anyone. It was more of a half-assed browsing session. I was tired and just clicking around.  Second, how arrogant of him to assume that any/most women who check out his profile would send him a message. Yeah, he’s attractive. But WTF?

Anyway, besides the fact that it was an odd situation, it did set me to thinking. I favorited a few guys who I did find interesting so that I could go back and contact them when I had more time and energy. He wasn’t one of them.  Why?  What was it about him that made me NOT want to contact him (since clearly he’s Mr. Irresistible)?

After thinking about it for a couple of minutes I realized it had to be one of 2 things, or maybe both of them:

a) He has odd . I used to loathe all . I’ve gotten over it, for the most part. But still really prefer men without it. And I have a real distaste for some beards (overly bushy, overly arty). Which doesn’t mean I won’t date guys with beards. But on a first impression level, I’ll usually pass.

b) He has a tremendously bad username. Cringe-worthy. This is something he’s chosen and can easily change. CRINGEWORTHY.

There’s a pretty good chance that I could’ve decided to not write to him based on either of these things, alone. So maybe I’m too picky? Entirely possible. Or maybe I’m exercising good judgment. Also possible.

It doesn’t actually matter why. I assume that other people have things they screen for/against when cruising online. There’s a guy I know who’s only interested in blondes of a certain height. And some women who seem awfully interested in men’s professions and incomes. I don’t care about any of that stuff (height, haircolor, profession, income).  But facial hair and username – turns out those things (might) matter to me. Go figure.

Add this to the reasons I’m single. And I’m cranky, too.

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32 to “Give a Guy a Chance?”

  1. PYT says:

    I can 100% relate to this. Sometimes there are just little things that just don’t click with you about a person…sometimes its a username. It is surprising but something that trivial can actually make a difference.

    I completely agree about the facial hair too. Some guys can pull it off but overall I’m definitely not a fan. Don’t really enjoy excessive hair anywhere else either.

    I’m not sure I would call any of this too picky or just being self aware?? I mean you like what you like, right?

    • Simone Grant says:

      When I call myself picky, here on the blog, I’m doing it jest. And because I know there are people who are just waiting to scream it (see the other comments). I’m 40 and single, and so therefore I must be a) too picky b) fucked up in some serious way

      I’d like to think that at this point in my life, I know what I like, what I don’t like, and what I’m willing to compromise on. And I know that, while I don’t tend to be attracted to men with facial hair, I can meet a guy with a beard and after talking with him for a while and be attracted to him (even if I found him icky at first).

  2. Adrian says:

    I’m going to have to call that being overly picky. Half the time I don’t even look at the girls username. I look at the profile and what she’s written about herself. I stay away from the profiles that have a list of things that they want in a guy. I didn’t come to your profile to read about what you want ‘me’ to be, I want to know about you!

    For me it really boils down to mostly personality but I will admit that there are some physical attributes that I am not attracted to. My passion is bodybuilding so fitness is a top priority of mine. If she is overweight, I know right off the bat that it’s not going to work between us. That may be viewed as superficial to some people but in my opinion it’s a lot less superficial than rejecting someone based on what username they chose.

    • Simone Grant says:

      Men and women are very different, in many different ways. Guys tend to be more visual. I actually READ the usernames and taglines simultaneously to looking at the pictures. Great pictures and poor writing/no imagination is less attractive to me than great imagination/great writing and so-so picture/avg looking guy.

      Vive la difference.

  3. AJ says:

    I absolutely agree about the user name. Like you said, it’s something that he CHOSE, and therefore it reflects his values and how he perceives himself or wants to be perceived.

  4. GT says:

    Most sites don’t let you change your username. People sign up and just fill in those fields without thinking assuming they can change it later and can’t.

    Yes, you’re too picky. You’re also very inconsistent with your logic and reasoning. I think you need to take a long break from dating and figure out what it is you really want and what it is you have to offer that justifies being so picky.

    • Simone Grant says:

      Actually no, most sites let you change them, if you’re smart enough to try. I’ve changed mine, on this site, 3 times.

      Inconsistent with my logic and reasoning? Entirely possible. Then again, this is a blog, not a doctoral thesis. As to what justifies my right to have standards (being so picky) – I’m pretty fucking awesome. And I’m in no rush to figure out exactly what I want and settle down. I can take as long as I want.

      • GT says:

        The only mainstream or popular online dating website that allows user to change their username is Match. EHarmony, OKC and POF don’t. You have to create a whole new profile. Hope always having to be right doesn’t qualify as fucking awesome. If so then I understand why you have so much trouble with men.

        • Simone Grant says:

          Thanks for the continued assumptions and (re)interpretation of my life. I hadn’t realized I had trouble with men. Thanks for pointing it out. Really. I just thought I had a couple of relationships go terribly wrong and a hard time getting back into the swing of things.

          And no, I don’t always have to be right. I do, however, need to be respected.
          Speaking of which. I need to be respected here, too.

  5. HP says:

    Honestly that guy was really calling the kettle black in this instance. I’m on dating sites as well and there are many, MANY people that look at my profile and never contact me and out of curiosity I’ll look at their profiles occasionally and wouldn’t you know it, we have the same damn interests and probably would get along really well together. But I’m guessing 99.9% of the time their “rejection” of me is based on looks. But do I care? No. I still get messages from guys that contact me solely based on how I look as well.

    So let’s face it both sexes do this I reject people just as much based on looks as I do on their profiles as a whole. I’m very picky and admit that, but then so is everyone else, especially when we’re dealing with online dating where a new person is literally a click away!

    • Simone Grant says:

      Smart people who online date develop thick skins. Even on the small niche sites, there are just SO MANY people to click through, I’d never expect anyone to contact me, or get too upset about anyone who did or didn’t contact me. We’re all just 2 dimensional profiles. Not real people until we meet.

  6. Picky vs. selective! That used to get me every time, too. The longer I dated the more I learned about dating behavior and the more I became more in-tune with the nuances of dating in general and online dating profiles. I’d pick up on queues much like you did and would (sometimes) eliminate potentials based on similar criteria. Right or wrong, I did it too. I think it served me well, but maybe on some level I should have given some of them a chance. Personally, I think this is simply a case of experience talking to us.

  7. Jolene says:

    I agree on the bad username choice…I’d pass too. One thing I used to hate was bad grammar or spelling. Maybe I’m a snob for that, but it just would peeve me so much, I couldn’t bring myself to contact them. Everyone has their ‘thing’ I guess!

    • Simone Grant says:

      I have been trying HARD to be more liberal about the bad grammar and spelling. I know that not everyone is a great writer. But there are lines…

  8. IntrigueMe says:

    SO what did you tell HIM? lol

    • Simone Grant says:

      Honestly, I haven’t even been online since I got that message (it was forwarded to my email). And that was a week ago. I guess I need to go on and check out his profile again and see if he’s worth a second (or third) look. I’ll probably send him a polite no-thank you.

  9. pups4me says:

    Bad grammar and spelling are both “no thanks” for me too :)

  10. MsChick74 says:

    Usernames can be a sign of creepiness. I’d be shocked to see a guy with a username like ILoveMassage69 have a quasi-intelligent profile.

    Facial hair is just a personal preference. I for one cannot date a man who just has a mustache. It reminds me of my dad…yuck!

  11. Mel says:

    I think the purpose of online dating sites is TO BE SELECTIVE (read: picky). It’s like online shopping, for your perfect mate. Ain’t nothing wrong with some standards.

    Also, yeah, I would trust your initial judgment and NOT feel bad about it.

    • Simone Grant says:

      :-) I didn’t feel bad, but I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t second guess myself and overanalyze everything. Another reason for my chronic insomnia.

  12. Kat says:

    Both of your reasonings sound like good reasons to not make contact with him further. Fact of the matter is though that you didn’t have that “click” when you looked at his photo, profile and username. It doesn’t really matter why. Does he really think that sending you a note asking you why you didn’t pick him was going to make him look better. Frankly, I would say receiving and inquiry like that from him gives you point #3 – too full of himself. All good reasons to not pursue it further. Online dating is supposed to be fun, casual relaxing.

    • Simone Grant says:

      Well yes, the email asking me why I didn’t write is a bit off-putting. I do tend to attract a lot of the type of men who’d do that sort of thing. Even online.

  13. Christine says:

    I don’t blame you!! You aren’t being cranky, nor are you single for basis your lack of response on facial hair or user name.

    I’m not going to lie. I judge according to username. I think it says a lot about a person. The word “cringe” conjurs up a lot of visuals! Who wants to date a guy who will make you cringe?

  14. DeeJay2011 says:

    I completely AGREE about being selective in your searching.

    As you stated I also read the username and view it as a possible reason to pass some by. For instance “thick8inch69” – gets an immediate “no thanks” from me. Other users who happen to be looking for a hookup or a “buddy” may love this user name and favorite him.

    I view a profile, mine and others, as your brief chance to present yourself to a possible companion. If you have a few seconds of someone perusing your profile do you really want the thing they remember to be your cheesy or creepy screenname? Would you post an ugly photo of yourself on your profile? Then why use a name that is obviously a turn off to most women?

    As for other search criteria I do believe that knowing what you are looking for is a good thing. I tend to look for a few things. If a guy is under the height I tend to prefer it is NOT an automatic “next” however if all or most of the things I look for aren’t there then sure – I move on. This is after dating for the past year using mostly online dating sites. When I first started I was more open – now I’ve figured out what I like and don’t like – and I have refined my search. There is nothing wrong with that in my opinion – it’s to prevent dating for the sake of dating.

  15. sandyvs says:

    I agree with you on the user name, especially if it has something sexual in it. I just think that is crude. I too, am totally turned off by beards, but LOVE the mangina. Go figure.
    The one thing that has me rethinking my judgements, is what is written in the profile, unless it has poor spelling and is in all caps. Before, if it wasn’t really funny, really original, or different, I wouldn’t think much of it. Recently, one man started messaging me who had a profile that didn’t ‘grab’ me at all. He persisted in sending very nice messages, and when I finally did meet him, it turns out he is a super guy, just very unassuming and does not brag at all. When I suggested he could do some things to his profile to attract more women, he replied, “I thought about that, but it’s just not who I am”. Wow! Did I learn a huge lesson there.

    • Simone Grant says:

      I’ve written about being open to going out with guys who don’t have great profiles. I think there are some great guys on line who are just clueless about how to present themselves online.