Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

It’s a Matter of Taste

Its a Matter of Taste just a story  M Id 79753 Tall menHave I ever mentioned how much I love ?

I love brunch. Going out to brunch and also having friends over for brunch. I love the way people can just arrive when they arrive, and come and go over the course of the afternoon. Casual and mellow.

Anyway, I had some friends over for brunch this past weekend and we got to to talking about the fact that some people have very specific height requirements/preferences for the people they (for example, I won’t/rarely men who are over 13′ inches taller than me, which tops out at 6’1″, whereas most of the other women present are really into tall guys).

And from there we talked about other, um, tastes. Body types, ethnicity, race, random kinks people may or may not have.

It’s a big, wide world of strange. And hallelujah for that. I, for one, am grateful for the diversity of types and tastes. I wouldn’t want to live in a world of bland sameness.

Yet, we all, even out here in the blogosphere, pussyfoot around this stuff.  Sure, every few months someone writes a post about liking tall guys. And then a lot of people get on her case because a) she’s judging guys on something completely superficial b) she’s being too picky c) she’s shallow d) I’m sure I’m forgetting some other insults.

But so what. So there are women who like tall guys. There are men who only date women with big . Or women with great asses. Or blondes.  So the fuck what?  People like what they like.

I don’t really have any physical traits that I go for, exclusively (although there are some that certainly catch my eye). But there are personality traits that I find irresistible.  For example, yesterday I got an () email from a who I didn’t find particularly attractive and who lives in the ‘burbs. Two big strikes. But I read his email and it made me smile. So I read his profile. Which made me laugh out loud. Loudly. And he has awesome taste in music. So I wrote him back.  Because I was attracted to his intelligence and sense of humor (from what I could see of it).

Maybe that wasn’t a good story to tell. It makes me seem more noble than I am. The truth is, I don’t know who I should or shouldn’t be dating anymore. So I’m just bouncing around, looking for a good fit. Kinda like grocery shopping without a list. I’m just randomly putting things in my cart.

Here’s a better story/example, one I shared with my friends at brunch. There was this guy. He and I went out a few times. Pretty early on, he let it slip that he was into s & m. He wasn’t a lifestyler (in other words, he had a very life outside out of the bedroom) but his sexual tastes were pretty hardcore. His sexual fantasies included things like caning, whipping someone til she bled, breathplay.  Stuff I’d never in a million years consent to. I’m very open-minded, but I draw the line at letting someone hurt me.

So he and I decided to just be friends. Skip forward a year or so and he meets a woman that he really likes and he decides to not say anything about his sexual tastes. She’s very vanilla and he decides that he’ll just try to live w/o the kink in his sex life.  Skip forward another year and he’s cheating on her, having trysts with random strangers he met online. She finds out and is devastated.

Here’s my take on the topic = We are who we are. We like who we like. We get off on what we get off on. As long as it’s between 2 consenting adults, people should follow their hearts and their libidos.

Or is that just me being shallow, again?


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19 to “It’s a Matter of Taste”


  1. No it’s not at all shallow. For all of the talk about what’s on the inside counting people most people are attracted to what they see on the outside. Post that initial period – looks won’t be all that hold someone however.

    I’ve also witnessed the slating that have been heaped on people who are ‘brave’ enough to express their preferences. I view it like this – a preference is just that. It doesn’t dictate how others should or shouldn’t behave, doesn’t suggest that people not within that group are less worthy or anything of that type. It is merely an expression of things another person finds attractive. So some people aren’t going to be attracted to me because I’m only 5ft 5 and have brown eyes – two things that I can’t do (and have no interest in doing) anything about. But you know what – I’ll get over it!

    I’m not for everyone and everyone is not for me – but you know, I can live with that.

    • Simone Grant says:

      That’s always the way I’ve felt. I’m a petite, 40 yr old brunette. Not everyone’s taste. Oh well. I don’t get mad that a pretty high % of men don’t find me attractive (because they like, taller, bustier, blonder, younger women). Sheesh.

  2. Pet says:

    So true. Trying to deny ourselves and our desires just causes us to hurt the people who we were are trying to placate or settle for, to begin with.

  3. Jolene says:

    Here’s my take on the topic = We are who we are. We like who we like. We get off on what we get off on. As long as it’s between 2 consenting adults, people should follow their hearts and their libidos. <– not shallow in the slightest. Real, real, real. Amen!

  4. (Discovery…) Not to go too far out, but I always wake up on a thought. Today was, “I am amazed that we can consider Lilliput, Aurelius or Paul Simon, while playing basketball, driving, or what-have-you”. We are a multi-faceted. Complicated. Brimming with luscious mystery. I suspect that we occasionally fall prey to over-simplifying ourselves, and others, in order to achieve concessions, but I say the real fun begins when we begin to enjoy each others mysterious ways. (It’s not just for sharks.) Thank you! Another great post, from the hostess with the mostest.

  5. NikkiB says:

    I don’t think it is at all shallow to have our own likes and dislikes, be them height or fantasy. It’s also very important we take time to be honest about what things we prefer and what things we can’t live without. Like with your friend, he attempted to change for a woman he loved, and he couldn’t do it. That kind of change, or inability to do so, is something we need to take a long, hard, look at.

    I think inability to change is absolutely fine. I think it makes us who we are. I don’t think it makes us shallow or selfish – but it can makes us regret it when we pretend we’re someone we’re not.

    • Simone Grant says:

      I think we all greatly overestimate how much we’re able to change. But them, I’m not the world’s biggest optimist so…

      • Q says:

        Oh, we can all change, but we can’t keep up the facade forever. That’s the ultimate trap and what lands some many people in unhappy long-term relationships.

  6. Years and years and years and years of dating has taught me that ‘my type’ is obviously NOT working out for me. So, I may ‘like what I like’, but it doesn’t mean that that’s a ‘good’ thing, or a ‘healthy’ thing. My tall/dark/handsome/athletic/smart/professional/quirky ex also turned out to default to ‘emotionless robot’ when things weren’t going perfectly. What good is a ‘type’ then?

    Yes to chemistry, yes to passion and great sex! Yes please! But he doesn’t need to look like Ryan Reynolds (yum) to do that to me…. but it would be nice. It’s more important to me now (after dealing with so much crap) to be with a guy who’s honest! WHAT A CONCEPT! who’s able to tell you when something’s bothering them without resorting to guessing games, and someone who doesn’t bail on the relationship the moment there are challenges. I’ll take that over the next tall, dark and handsome any day :)

    Thanks for your post. Glad I found your site. I enjoy all the comments too :)

    • LadyD says:

      Amen to that! The last guy I dated bailed after our first tiff – moron. I was willing to work thru things; he obviously just wanted a spineless doll. Gee, I can understand now why he’s divorced, and he ended up with the crappy embroidered foo-foo bathroom towels with his name on them! Ouch. =X-p

    • Liz says:

      I agree. The older I get the more it’s about intellectual connection and physical chemistry. I don’t have a physical “type” anymore. If the other stuff is there, just about anyone can be my type! I’ve had some great sex with men who physically weren’t necessarily my type but they had the right “energy” for me.

    • Simone Grant says:

      My tastes have certainly evolved as I’ve gotten older. I think most people learn from experience. But, and it’s a big but, I don’t think anyone can just say to themselves, “I’m going to stop liking X.”

      But then, I don’t really know shit.

  7. Q says:

    Great post! I must say that I personally have a penchant for very short-haired or bald men (who don’t hide it) or shaved heads, slightly on the chubby side, big arms, bear hugs, and brown eyes. But I’d date skinny men with blue eyes, too. I just find that the men I am most attracted to fall into the above “big/bald/brown/bear” category. :)

    And one should never deny their attractions or proclivities. It’s just an inefficient use of time to do so!

  8. Elizabeth says:

    I don’t even understand why you’d ask ‘are you being shallow?’ There is nothing shallow about anything in this. On the contrary, I like you reached a certain depth within yourself to be ok with liking what you like, wanting what you want. And it takes a true maturity to be open to new things.

    I love the shopping cart analogy; that is truly how I feel about my dating escapades. My friends are flabbergasted at trying to categorize my exes into a “type.” That’s not to say I don’t have a preference of physical characteristics, but in the end its personality that gets me. One sentence and someone I would have found physically attractive can turn unattractive, and vica versa. I think it’s a good thing though; I’m never brainwashed by looks and in the end, you want someone to talk to, eh?


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