Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Confirming My Suspicion

Confirming My Suspicion reasons why love stinks  iStock 000014098136XSmall 300x199So the other day I was taking a twitter break and saw this tweet from @TresSugar - Question of the day: What would you do if you discovered your boyfriend still had an online dating profile?

Been there, done that. *Giant sigh*

For me, it was confirmation that the man I was in love with was NOT the man I thought he was.

Things were already going poorly. Suddenly, freakishly bad. And I was banging my head against the wall trying to figure out why. What could be the matter?

And yes, I was foolish enough to ask. Because when someone suddenly changes their behavior towards me, my instinct will always be to communicate. To question. To try to fix things.

When, as I was told (like millions of women and men are told every day) that everything was fine I went through a process of elimination. What could be NOT FINE? And then one day it hit me, check to see if he has an active online dating profile.

And there it was. Active. VIP Premium membership. Checked within the past 24 hours.

Everything was fine. Except for that.

So why am I telling this story? It’s not just me babbling about how some did me wrong. Believe me, I get tired of those stories. The story is, in my way, my reaction to the question.

I didn’t really need to find that account. Or hear his stories about why it still existed or how he really wasn’t using it. The online dating account was just confirmation of what I already knew. That the relationship was over. And it was time to move on.

Not that I realized it at the time. Nope.

What did I really do, when I discovered my boyfriend had an active online dating account (VIP membership, checked within the past 24 hours). I listened to his ridiculous story about how he’d prepaid for a year. And had just coincidentally looked at it the day before because they kept sending him email. Out of curiosity.

I listened. And I tried to believe. And I let the relationship linger in sadness for a while longer. Because like millions of other men and women, I don’t always like to see what’s so obviously in front of my face.

It sounds like such an easy question. With such an easy answer. You find out the guy you’re dating is (probably) deceiving you and/or cheating.  Dump him.

It wasn’t so easy for me.

PS Day 3 without sleep.  Sorry about the babbling.

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Update: On Feb. 15, a group of writers (the self-proclaimed Insomniacs Club) posted stories/replies on this theme.  I’ll be updating this post as they continue to post their thoughts.


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84 to “Confirming My Suspicion”


  1. Sandy says:

    “And I let the relationship linger in sadness for a while longer.” What a sad and beautiful line that I bet a lot of us can relate to.

    • Simone Grant says:

      Thanks Sandy. I hope it’s not just me. That would be even sadder.

    • brittany d says:

      ya i knew for a while i went on my feincees phone and found the site he was going on so i set one up myself so i could offically find him and confront him and he messaged me without knowing it was me and sent some verry sexual stuff i had no picture or personal info on it so there was no way he could know it was me so i am verry nervous because i am confronting him tonight

  2. But that’s the trick to dating, isn’t it. Not falling in love with an idea- but learning about the person. Too often I tricked myself into fitting the person into the idea – making her the person I wanted and ignoring the obvious differences.

    It is easy to let go of a person — it is hard to let go of an ideal. Friends say “dump ‘em”- and they are right- because they see the person. But your heart says- this person fits into an ideal that I love -.

    That being said- I have no answer as to how I got so lucky to have married a wonderful woman- . She isn’t an ideal, because I doubt I would have ever been interested in her for more than a physical attraction. I don’t have the secret of how one goes from falling in love with an idea to being with a person and enjoying that person. It just happened. Maybe I just grew up

    • Simone Grant says:

      It’s a brilliant distinction. I think most people fall in love with an idea, before they fall in love with a person. And sometimes, the person just never lives up to the idea.

  3. I’ve been the lingerer in this situation, too, and I have to agree with Terry. I think I’ve overlooked the person not being right for me for the idea of that person being right for me. The sooner I can let the person go, though, the closer I am to finding that right fit.

  4. Liz says:

    Along the same lines, a few years ago I was dating a guy for several weeks and then started sleeping with him. After we became intimate, I hid my profile on the online dating site on which we met, but I had to log on one night after he left to answer a lingering email (basically to tell the person we couldn’t meet up for a date because I had started seeing someone). That’s when I noticed that the dude I was seeing had logged on to the dating site immediately upon arriving home, right after we had just had sex. Of course I then started checking it every time he left my house, and yep, he would always log on right after we hooked up. Finally I had to say something to him about it, and his answer was that he kept receiving emails he needed to answer. Needless to say, I couldn’t get past it and broke things off with him.

    • Simone Grant says:

      Oh, I’ve been THERE too. And it’s tremendously upsetting. I could never get past it either.

    • Kim says:

      Oh God……I met someone on a popular dating site a month ago. I’m mad about him, and it seems mutual. We’ve had lots of dates and things are moving well……but after I took my profile off the dating site (straight after we had our 2nd date)I was curious to see if he’d done the same. I could only log on as a different profile or he would know i had re-joined. So under a new name and no photo……I found out he had logged on EVERY day for what is now 3 weeks – and yes at some point within 24 hours of him staying the night and going home the next day :0(
      Why do they do this??!! You go on a dating site to find someone – he found me – so why still go on there???!!!
      HELP cos I’m crazy about this guy and I’ve been single for so long :0( :0(
      Want to confront him – but not sure what is the right way to go??

  5. Oh, I’ve been there, done that too! I had my profile hidden on the site out of courtesy as we were seeing each other exclusively. A couple of my girlfriends were using the site and they’d ask me to log on to view profiles of certain men to gauge my reaction and thoughts. I noticed my “boyfriend” was online pretty much every day. It got to be too much and I finally confronted him. I got a couple of excuses. One was that his phone kept him logged in. Not true. I couldn’t figure out why he would be on there. Things were great with us, except for that. I told him a few times over the course of weeks that it hurt my feelings that he was still on there. Then he pulled the “I can’t figure out how to delete it” card. Seriously?? He eventually deleted it after I sent him a link and step by step instructions. But like you said, it was the beginning of the end. I should have bailed then and saved myself the following months of misery.

    • Simone Grant says:

      That’s so hard. When they give you excuses that you WANT to believe. It would be so much easier to just skip to the end.

      Ugh.

    • Reebie says:

      OMG. Im going through this same thing right now. He couldnt figure out how to delete it but can work every other piece of technology that falls in his hands. When I caught him online and confronted him he apologized but was right back on the next day. He did finally delete it and Ive just told him today I needed time to think about where we stand but my gut tells me to walk away fast.

      • Cat says:

        About 2 years ago my old boyfriend had the same problem. I was using his laptop to surf around and I clicked on his pof bookmark. It took me right to his profile and he was still logged in. I saw all his old messages and some of them were dated after we had gotten together. He sure was in trouble when he got home from work that day (and we are not together anymore).

  6. pups4me says:

    One of the reasons I have a difficult time with online dating is the whole profile thing. It’s confusing–when do you hide yours…when is it ok to ask him if he’s hidden his (because you can’t tell him you check it to see if he’s still “active”)…how do you stop from feeling insecure in those first few weeks of dating because you don’t know how many other people he’s communicating with.
    I’ve heard all the same excuses mentioned here (how sad is that) and it makes me really wonder what is wrong with people. One of the very first guys I met via online dating (about 6 years ago) told me there are lots of people out there that are “always looking for something better”. I didn’t want to believe him…but I think he might be right.

    • Liz says:

      After eight years of online dating, I’ve learned that there is not “always something better.” The last guy I went out with from an online dating website was far from perfect, but we had good intellectual and physical chemistry, he was within my age range, and he seemed enthusiastic about dating me. He was not necessarily my top choice out of all the men I was corresponding with, but I know after years of dating that a bird in the hand is definitely worth two in the bush. That those guys who seemed even “better” were unlikely to be so in person or would end up flaking out. I stopped logging in/ searching shortly after dating the guy, and those other men I was corresponding with did indeed disappear.

      Unfortunately, I think the guy I was dating was still searching for greener pastures. He ended up breaking it off with me, and when I checked the dating site again I saw that he had still been logging in.

    • Simone Grant says:

      Sadly, he is right. A huge percentage of people are looking for someone better, even as they’re in a new relationship. And I think guys do it more than women.

      I don’t have an answer. I just know from experience that it happens.

      And it makes me sad.

  7. Yvie says:

    There must be so many women (and men?) who have experienced this very same thing. Almost a year ago, I dated a man whom I met online. After months and months of dating and not checking his profile or even logging into the site, I noticed he was still online checking out profiles daily. When I asked him about his profile status, he gave a similar excuse – he was just checking some emails. But isn’t it bad enough that he’s still logging on and still has an account? Doesn’t that excuse make things worse? Is he looking for someone better? These questions came across my mind daily until I finally ended things, updated my profile, and moved on. So, I feel ya!

    • Simone Grant says:

      I know that, for me, I can’t take anyone seriously until he hides his account. A man with an active online profile isn’t seriously interested in a relationship with me.

  8. Jilted Bride says:

    Ugh! How this resonated with me! Still getting over something like this myself. The main difference is we were actually engaged, and had pretty much finalized all the wedding details. There were no signs that anything was amiss, even after 3 months of analyzing the whole situation over and over again.
    The whole situation has left the few friends I’ve confided in and myself scratching our heads and collectively yelling WTF??? It’s a very weird case of six degrees of separation…
    My ex fiance and I met through an online dating website. We met, and it was very clear early on that there was a”spark”. Even though it was an LDR, we decided to become exclusive. He had family in my state and visited often. He called me several times a day, just like he said he would, we skyped, we saw each other when he was here. He was very convincing. We “deleted” our profiles on the site and shortly after, he proposed. I thought it was crazy, but he convinced me that it was crazy enough to work. Bought the dress, planned the wedding, ect, ect… Here is where it got weird..

    I do have a facebook page, and I played a certain game on fb. Most of the friends I have are only friends because of this game. Never met them, most don’t have pictures or real names. There was one girl, who for two years, had become a “real friend”, as real as fb can allow, anyway. She asked certain friends if they knew of any reputable dating websites. I told her about the site I met my ex on. Fast forward about a month.. She sends me a private message, complete with a screen shot of my fiances profile on this dating webite, asking if this was my fiance. Turns out, she lives VERY CLOSE to him and he had contacted her. I didn’t believe it at first, but she continued to show me messages he sent to her, she even gave me her log on and password for this site. I found a message. In that message she asked him if he had any luck on the site. He said no, hasn’t met anyone, “maybe you can change that”, he replied and gave her his phone number. Yep,it WAS him. I confronted him about it. His only response was this lame excuse: “we were just talking”. That was the last time I heard from him, It was November 13th. I wasn’t even worth an explanation. Needless to say, I’m DONE with online dating.

  9. jackie says:

    The sense of betrayal, the thought that someone you trust is and has been lying to you is devastating. Your heart will hold on long after your mind has told you to let go.

    oxo
    JFB

  10. Max says:

    To play Devil’s advocate here, some of those sites you have to buy a full year in advance or in 6 month increments and they auto-renew (ie Match.com). I have a Match account and get stupid emails from it daily but I really never go there. I’ve been dating independent of the site for months but the account is still open and I honestly don’t think about it until times like this. Finding out your man in on a site is an awkward situation because how do you confront him on it? I mean, the only way to tell him that you know about it was because you were on a dating site looking for guys…if you are doing that and he has an active page then a serious discussion is warranted. Obviously if you both are trolling the web for a new mate then there is trouble in paradise.

    sexiquette.net

    • Simone Grant says:

      As an online dating veteran I can tell you that almost every single site promotes longer packages but allows you to buy month to month. And almost all of them allow you to hide your profile w/o canceling your membership. So, for example, if you take advantage of a six-month membership for a lower monthly rate and meet someone in month 3 -you don’t have to cancel the last 3 months. You can hide your profile while you’re in that relationship. And then, if you break up, unhide it.

      Which is what most people expect from their partners. It’s the right thing to do.

  11. single much says:

    GAH! Something similar happened to me with two different men! I sometimes wonder how I continue to trust.

    • Simone Grant says:

      It’s hard. There are days when I think – nope, I have NO trust left. And then I find a little more. It’s important for me to remember that there are lots of wonderful men out there, and I can’t judge future potential boyfriends by the actions of my crappy exes.

  12. The woman I’m dating now was freaked out that I put a new picture on my profile, about 3 or 4 dates in. I responded with “Do we need to talk about a level of commitment we haven’t discussed yet?” She backed off…and then things did end up getting more serious and I disabled my profile. Hers was still active weeks after mine! She took it down after some good-natured ribbing. She was tired of getting all the penis picture emails anyway. :-D

    • Simone Grant says:

      I think most people would agree that 3 or 4 dates is a little too soon to expect a profile to be hidden. But then again, some people get engaged on the 2nd date, so…

  13. FeistyWoman says:

    That made me sad to read it. It’s a lot like finding a phone number stowed away in his wallet and trying to allow him the time and the latitude to make up a valid excuse. However, it’ll always be an excuse that is inexcusable.

    Better you found out when you did and a lot of people will tell you that. However, there just isn’t any consolation for this when it happens. Ever.

  14. Raina says:

    Yet another reason why I simply quit online dating. It’s weird. I suppose the only way to make it not wierd is to take the sex out of the equation.

    • Simone Grant says:

      It’s weird, yes. But I think it can be made less weird if both parties communicate well and are honest. Which is kind of like wishing for a million dollars, but it’s a nice dream.

  15. Lucky Girl says:

    It’s never so easy, and it’s often very sad. The glimmering light is your recognition that you didn’t need him to tell you what you knew all along. Still, that kind of thing doesn’t make anyone feel good, and I’m sorry that you had to linger in any sadness at all.
    Love,
    LG

  16. felicity says:

    What a jerk cannot stand guys like that

  17. If I was crazy about someone, I would forget that I had a membership to a dating website and wouldn’t bother to check it :) We deserve that in return too!

    As for the insomnia:

    * drugs: Neo Citran or Robaxacet or both! before bed
    * pillow meditation: to quiet the mind chatter, do some meditation exercises. I try to picture a rose and try to think of nothing else. It’s not easy!
    * Are you getting enough calcium magnesium?
    * turn you clock away from the bed so you can’t see it. Staring at a clock is not good. Knowing the time and then freaking out that you only have 2 more hours before the alarm goes off is also not good.

    Take care!

  18. C says:

    Dang, this has a lot of truth to it. And it’s all too familiar. Hang on while I go slam my head against a wall.

    Then maybe I’ll be strong enough to break it off with the jerk

  19. Argent says:

    You know, the issue of men continuing to troll and lie about it seems to be endemic. I gave myself a 10 month break from dating because I was fed up with the lies I’d receive. Two months ago, I received an email from a site where I thought I’d killed my profile. I KNOW I killed it. I’m guessing there was a server burp and it got reactivated. I replied, out of courtesy, thanking him for his interest, but indicating that I wasn’t interested and I told him why. He replied that he was sorry I’d been hurt so badly. So we began to communicate. He called me daily, emailed me daily. We set up a date to meet, I got cold feet and backed out asking for more time. He understood. We hooked up the next week and there was instant chemistry – emotional, physical and intellectual. Total click.

    Calls and emails continue. We have a second date. He’s very respectful, no inappropriate advances. We had a great time. Calls continue, emails continue. He’s a single parent, employed full-time, and told me he “rarely” uses his online profiles, even though he has them (at two sites that I know of.), but that when he saw my profile it interested him so much that he emailed. Okay – this could be true.

    I actually thanked him for not coming on to me or attempting to get me in bed on the second date, which so many men attempt. His reply? Oh this is priceless and I fell for it: “I see so much potential for us that I don’t want to go too fast. I really REALLY like you and I want to see how this evolves. My experience is that going too fast causes all kinds of complications.” Well, he’s RIGHT, and it was a refreshing line, at any rate. It was a new one on me.

    The calls and emails continue. Yesterday, on his way home from work, he calls; he’s funny, compassionate, gentle, sweet, everything that’s fabulous – and he’s so SINCERE. He tells me he can’t wait to see me again.

    He’d stopped going to the website where he found me. I remembered I had a match profile and I went to it 4 nights ago, unhid it just to see what I had written, and then I did a “mutual match” for grins. I really wasn’t interested. Guess who had been “online within 24 hours?” So I left my profile open for the next three days and guess who did NOT go online for 3 days? Then, I hid it again. Last night, as I was emailing a friend, extolling the virtues of this man, something hit me, and I went on Match, using my old profile, which was hidden, and did a “mutual match.” There he was – online. He stayed online for 3 hours. Granted, he could have walked away from the computer and left his account open.

    THIS is a man who thinks we have “potential?” I doubt it. I think he’s hedging his bets and I’m the woman in the wings to fall back on in case he doesn’t find anyone “better.” I’m no one’s “fallback” woman.

    Thank GOD we hadn’t become physical. We’d become very close, though. All the signs were there (she says with a short snort). I feel rather adroitly manipulated, and it’s my own fault. While he didn’t come out and say he wanted exclusivity with me, I heard what I wanted to hear when he said: “I want to take this slowly because I believe we have potential” and when he said: “I don’t have TIME to date other women.” What that really translates to is: “I’m lulling you into a false sense of security because I DO like you, but I’m hedging my bets in case you’re not ‘the one’.”

    This is my own fault. He promised nothing. I made assumptions based on erroneous translations of his communication. Still, when a man calls you every day for 2 months, when he says he misses you, when he emails you daily, when he can’t wait to see you again, when he tells you he really wants the next date to be at his HOME so he can cook dinner for you, and then you find he’s out trolling, what’s that REALLY say?

    I’m about ready to throw this baby out with his bathwater.

    • Mabel says:

      I don’t know what you’re supposed to think. I’m going through this right now. I don’t know whether to believe him or not that the profile was created when he found out where he was moving for his new job, before we got together. But we’ve been together for almost two years (long distance) and have spent countless dollars on flying back and forth to see each other. He said the L word.

      Then, acting on a hunch because of some uncharacteristic behavior, I guess a site he might have used and there he is, the third profile in. “Last login: within 15 days.” After we spent a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend together.

      I should dump him. But I’m not able to right now. I’m still reeling. I confronted him and he took the profile out right away, but you better believe I’m checking. He’s supposed to come see me in February. We still have some talking to do, I think.

      • Phil says:

        I’m dealing with the same thing. A woman out of state came to spend Thanksgiving with me and same thing. Just checked the site where we initially met – online within last two weeks.

        I’ve made the decision that she’s outta here. Excuses or not.

    • Sarah says:

      I feel the same… Fell for so much and I now realize I am to blame for a lot of how I am feeling now. I blamed HIM for much of my pain until I read this book my bff downloaded for me (she isn’t the most gentle person but I love her for pushing me to get over him).
      Honestly, I;ve read probably every dating book out there and nothing has put it so simply as this one. Whenever I am ready to start dating again I will have it as my cheatsheet.
      The Ugly Girl Factor, and why being pretty isnt enough is the best book I’ve read in awhile, dont be fooled by the title…. ugly or not every woman should read this book!!
      Thanks to my bff for the kick in the ass ;)
      xoxo SK

  20. imonly1me says:

    sad is right! y??? yeah, what is so hurtful to me some dont understand….now, i lost what we had because of what he calls a best friend: heck yeah a female. she can have him!!!

  21. Ashleigh says:

    This LITERALLY just happened to me!! A couple of months ago, I checked my BF’s emails (as I sometimes do, just to check) and saw he had just signed up to an ‘adult’ dating site. I was heartbroken!! But, I’m young & stupid, and decided the best way to get even was to make one myself. And I can tell you, mine is a whole lot more popular than his :)

  22. CantUnderstand says:

    I am curious. Would a man you are interested in and claiming not to be dating anyone else or having sex with anyone else except you need to go back to the site? I went to surrender the profile because I had no interest in any men besides him. He let me know I was the only one he was with.

    In deleting my profile I went to send him quick heads up on his profile that I was deleting it. He had been on that day and I had just been in his bed 9 hours prior. When I saw he was active my heart dropped into my stomach and I felt so stupid. One of my friends had seen him on there to check him out and told me he was online. He wouldn’t answer his phone and this was the second time it happened. The first was when we were casually dating.

    Upon telling him this he carefully worded his diatribe. Suddenly I was being told I was like his ex and he had been “patient” with me but I had now pissed him off. Why be defensive and curse at me and call me names when I was clearly hurt and started to cry. Most people don’t want to hurt others and if they cry the reaction is one of comfort and reassurance…not a frontal attack.

    I told him I had been used before and pulled examples of others who had similar experiences. He took that out into the light and said I had certainly gotten around. That is not the case. Everyone knows how hard it is to be used. In any capacity.

    He pulled the claim that he was on there reading profiles of women friends. Some psycho and some (he pointed out many times that they were stunning – thanks!) not psycho. None of whom he wanted to date.

    I have not seen anyone tear a person who was trying to talk to them about how it felt like this. I tried to compliment him on other things and he was ecstatic saying it was the first time I had done that. Not true. I have complimented him on other things. I got to the point asking him to have a heart and ask how he could imply that about me when I am trying to talk this out and be understanding. In reading about narcissists, that is a hallmark of their behavior. They wait for the adulation and then slam and leave you. No conscience and if you tell them they are wonderful they hate you for it because inside they hate themselves.

    All the standard politeness and dating etiquette seems to elude some when it comes to online dating. If it does not bother one of the partners as they become more exclusive to see their SO on the site, then something is not cool. Why not say okay I see it upsets you. I get it. Let’s talk about it. It is so hard to have that talk but it needs to happen if people are investing in each other emotionally. Flipping out and yelling or cursing and being vicious out of someone having serious fears is not normal adult behavior.

    The little alarms you hear before you engage should not be ignored. Feigning ignorance over the common decencies of online dating is just a ruse for being a player. You are either IN IT or out. Vicious verbal bashing or ex comparisons is a sign of guilt and lack of emotional responsibility. We all get tangled up in emotions. But to attack someone when they are scared or frightened they might lose someone they like is uncalled for.

  23. Maria says:

    I found my ex-boyfriend on AshleyMadison.com–the dating site for cheaters. He had a profile and was looking to hook up with married women. I wish that I would have known this sooner…because I would have dumped him even faster!

    • Sarah says:

      After almost a year of dating and being intimate with my “boyfriend”, I too found him on Ash/Mad just an hour after I left for work. He claims boredom during the day, and how it’s a violation of his civil rights if I told him he can’t be on there…blah blah.. I told him to get a new hobby or he’d be looking for a new girlfriend. We’re still together a year later, but now I have trust issues, which is not a good thing.

  24. Torie says:

    My daughter has dated a fitness instructor he is 29, very mature, sweet, they are talking marriage now an d looked at rings. She is 23 a psychology major & has managed a video store she is gorgeous, he is the ONE for her. But then a friend called her the other day and said she saw him on this famous singles website just updated his status on his music 4 hours ago….my daughter thanked her, so she looked it up, yup, it was him…when she confronted him, his answer was it wasn’t him someone has hacked into it, wtf? She is bewildered, pissed, and has sent him home from staying ather place 3 days a week (a regular thing)..saying she doesn’t know what to think. Any advice?

  25. Celia says:

    I ran into your post because I googled to see if MY reaction to the same thing is “normal”. My husband and I have been married for almost 9 years. He has cheated before our marriage. There were red flags but I ignored them because I couldn’t see my life without him. We got married despite all that. Recently, I found out he has opened a dating account. . I’m not proud of snooping but I couldn’t let him blindside me and I felt things were different lately. I realized, no matter what he says at this point whether he is telling the truth, I CAN NOT TRUST HIM. In fact, I struggled with trust all this time. His history certainly didn’t help him. I don’t see how I can look the other way anymore…it’s been such a sad sad thing and we need to move on. I hope those of us who are hurting will find some happiness…soon!

  26. Jen says:

    I am currently dating someone I met online. We have been dating for over 10 months, 6 of those months have been exclusive. Things have been great except that he has his online profile still open and checks it on occasion. I’m falling hard for him and he’s been opening up to me about some very deep personal things so I’ve felt like we have been really really good. When I’ve asked him in the past about closing the online dating account he says that he doesn’t want me telling him what to do and that he isn’t cheating on me. We do spend a ton of time together so I don’t think he’s cheating right now but I worry that I’m fooling myself and that I’m being stupid. I’m so torn on what to do right now because I love being with him and he seems to love being with me. He calls me every day on his drive home just to talk about how our days went. I’m lost. Any Advice out there?

  27. Niya says:

    My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years. He’s very sweet to me and he treats me like a queen. I recently saw him online on a dating website and this is the 3rd time he’s been on there. I feel so useless and this is the 3rd time I’ve been heartbroked. I think it’s time for me to move on, but when I try to break up with him, he says that he doesn’t want to be with anyone else :(. Any advice?

  28. Anna Heart says:

    A private investigator/ friend of mine from college once said that in his business, 95% of the people who suspect their spouse is cheating enough to go the extra mile to check (whether that’s hiring a PI or some other investigatory activity)… are usually right. I think unfortunately that reality applies to all relationships, married, dating, cohabitating, or whatever else – at least my personal experience, if I’ve really, seriously suspected something was going on, and done something “extreme” like looked at my sig. other’s phone or email… the gut feeling has proven correct. We have a pretty good inborn intuition when someone close to us is lying, whether we can put a finger on the exact issue or not. So, trying out a new rule: If I feel the need to ask, the answer is already there. Without any of the leg work :P

  29. jo says:

    My bf of three years a year ago had a really guilty look when I came home from a weekend away with the girls, telling me he was fine I shook it off, I woke up next morning with his phone left behind and found messages to couple of women, when confronting he tried to deny and I walked off, phoned one of the girls who assured me they had not met but they were talking, I spoke to boyfriend who just came clean and told me he had slept with her for a cuple mins then left as he felt awful, in his defense coming clean did him a favour as he could phoned this girl and made a story in which I would have believed, I found out they met on a dating site, I took him back and told him I never want to see him on another, recently found a few more active profiles in which he said he was curious he feels horrible at moment due to overworking and I’m beautiful and get lots of attention…. I am still with him although I would tell anyone else not to be so stupid I don’t know why and it scares me it will continue, but I just Want to believe it I suppose, more fool me if it happens again :( I feel so pathetic and humiliated writing this as let’s be honest most people would be screamin at the comp screen thinking it xx

    • Liz says:

      I know exactly how you feel! Im in the exact situation like you.. :( i feel like i cannot talk to anyone because people tell me “dump him” and i feel so ashamed and pathetic that i forgave him..

  30. Jay says:

    Its funny how most of these posts are from girls talking about their guys. I’m actually the other way round. Been dating a girl for about 2 months, but we’ve seen each other like 3 times a week minimum so its been quite full on. She actually deactivated her accound early on saying there’s too many weirdos on there, so i did the same a few days later. Then for some reason i checked yesterday (i’m suspicious like that) and noticed she had activated it again a few days earlier, and had been online that day. She only took me out for my birthday 2 days ago and totally spoiled me. What do i think to this???

  31. Annoyed with her says:

    4199175350 this guy has led me on for over 6 months.. Telling me he was single done with the other girl. Obviously after thursday night, I learned he was still involved with her. A real loser. She can have him. What doesn’t kill you just makes us stronger.

  32. Robert says:

    I just had the same sort of experience with my wife of 14 years. Things have not been going very well of late and I found that she had a brand spanking new match.com account, has been winking away and “saying yes” to some guy, whatever that means. Unbelievably crushed and not sure what to do. It looks like dating may be back in my future whether I want it or not! :)

  33. Shelly says:

    No what?! I just found this out a few seconds ago. You are right, we check because we already know what we are going to find. I feel a little sick now. Sorry, now I’m the one babbling. This sucks! The ridiculous thing is that part of me had hoped the account would show us unused in months. I googled this topic because I don’t know if I should confront him. I don’t know what I should do. Crap!

  34. Simone Grant says:

    To everyone who keeps finding this post and commenting… I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the pain you’re going through. I know it well.

    I can’t give any of you advice. I’m not in that biz. And, as I’ve said before, I’d think twice (or twenty times) before taking advice from some stranger on the interwebz. All I can say is that it sucks. And that you all probably know what you should do. Deep down. Stay or go. Nether choice is universally right for everyone. Only you know what’s right for you.

    Good luck.

  35. Ally says:

    I’ve been with my bf for almost 2years now. He is in the British army and away on exercise for a week. Just last night my friend Chrisy came over to visit and were player a game on my bf’s IPad, so while I was making tea for us she (out of joking) opened my bf’s emails and opened a message that had come from quite a beautifully girl with a picture of her attached. So I started fishing and trust me I generally never fish as I know when you do, one will always find something that they won’t like. He still has 3 active accounts. I cried myself to sleep last night, he put he’s profile under a false name as Andy Smith but really he’s name is Andy rouse. He said he wanted to marry me and I believed him. Ive been married before and the same thing happened to me before, he knew that and he swore he would never do that to me. I was just starting to really trust him. How do I say goodbye and walk away. Why do always feel so alone when your heart is breaking, we live together and I can smell he’s scent on my pillow, it makes it so much harder.

    • Niya says:

      I think that females tend to snope on our man’s personal stuff and I think that’s so wrong. I’ve done that before and like my dad use to say, “If you go looking for something, you will find something you don’t want to see”. How would you feel if he went through your emails , facebook, etc. And we say , Oh, I thought he loved me, etc. but most of the times we have our own hidden secrets. I’m not saying that him having a dating profile up is right, but if we feel that this will hurt us in the long run and that we will bring this up time after time, we need to move on and trust me, someone better will come along.

  36. selma says:

    i have a question….I met a guy online around the first of the year. We didn’t actually meet up for a few weeks. Up to that point we had been having lots of text conversations, phone conversations and few emails. We would have hours long conversations about every subject imaginable. We went on 3 more amazing dates and on the 3rd date things became semi sexual. No, the deal did not go down but it almost did. And he seemed obviously disappointed. This was the first thing I did not like about him…he kept kinda pressuring me to have sex with him and when i wouldn’t he seemed really frustrated. For the first time since we “met” I received no communication from him the next day. I was a little upset. The next day he called me and told me that he was making plans to visit his home state the next weekend and was sorry he was out of touch. He called me from the car and upon arriving home he said in a very weird voice that he had to go and basically hung up on me. He texted me about an hour later saying he was sorry and that work wasn’t going well and he was under a lot of pressure and he hoped to see me soon after his visit home. This just seemed weird. I called a male friend who also said it was weird and said he was probably dating around or maybe lost interest in me. I decided to look up his facebook page. We were not facebook friends and he had told me he hated facebook so I had never looked it up before.Well, guess what…he is super into facebook. He is on it almost every day. He is also in a relationship. He lives with her. He was going to his home state with her. She comments on everything he writes, he comments on everything she writes. I was shocked. If I didnt know better I would say they were very in love and seemed like the cutest couple on the planet. So, I am over him. I havent responded to any of his texts or calls and didn’t even bother letting him know why. but should i clue her in????

    • Ally says:

      U should in my opinion as she has the right to know. If it were meI would want to know. But first give him the option to tell her himself as it should only rightfully come from him, he needs to stand he’s ground as face what he’s done wrong. If not than you should tell her. Your a woman meaning your one of us and if we can’t protect each other than we’re pretty much fucked.

  37. Ally says:

    It’s woman that don’t snoop that land up getting hurt the most at the end I the day, atleast we get to see it coming.

  38. Larissa says:

    It’s quite sad how many of us experience something similar. I got the same excuse “my phone must be logging me in”, and heard lots of the other things that have been mentioned in the comments. And like many others, I WANTED to believe him. I knew that rationally, his explanations were worthless, but I wanted to believe him so badly. At one point, I begged him to just admit things already; it was doing my head in.

    This whole online dating things makes me sad. Sometimes I wish I had lived in an era when there was no internet. Sure, there were asshats and cheaters then as well, but the internet really does facilitate things and tempt people.

    I am no longer with the guy who lied to me. In fact, we broke up before I even found out about his lies. If I had looked I would have known. But I didn’t want to snoop around, because I think that is wrong. But knowing that these things seem to happen so frequently, maybe snooping around (when you have a justified suspicion) isn’t as morally wrong as one would think.

  39. Ally says:

    I really don’t want it to be that he is being unfaithful some how, but my bf doesn’t even have sex with me, maybe once or twice every 2 to 3 weeks if I’m lucky. We’ve been living together for 2 months now and says he wants to make love to me but for some reason he keeps getting ill, I’m starting to think he’s been faking it. I keep fit for him and try my best to be everything he wants. Every time I want to leave him he begs me not to even cries. I don’t understand, he doesn’t want to loose me, I know he loves me but I’m not good enough to make love to.

  40. lonesomeme says:

    The situation I am in is, my boyfriend, of almost two years, has been spending time on the adult sites. Which I have known for some time now, and have confronted him, which he came up with lame excuses for doing so….
    but lately, I have found some xxxdating sites!!!!! Even an escort
    site! How do I deal with this??? He tells me he loves me and we even talked marriage this last week.. Funny, thats when I found the sites. He is away and has been for 3 weeks, and will be gone for another 3. I visited last week….. Thats when I decided to snoop on his computer and found these sites!!! My heart is telling me that he would never cheat on me but my head tells me to keep my guard up!!

  41. lonesomeme says:

    help………..

  42. Amber Nicole says:

    Kind of have the same thing going on here. My fiance and I just moved in together, with our wedding not far off. He has an account on Tagged, which he was always on playing a game, he turned me onto the site as I wanted to play a new game as well, not knowing its basically a free site where people go to meet people. Mostly all of his friends on there are women and always leaving suggestive comments and in which he returns in the form of “tags”. I deleted mine as I got tired of the hounding men. He’s had the profile for at least 5 years. I don’t know whether to ask him to delete it or how to approach it. He’s not out actually meeting them, never gone long enough to be doing anything, but the thought of the profile is bugging the crap outta me. How embarrasing is it if we were to actually run into one of these women somewhere..and shes thinking about shit thats been going on, on tagged.

  43. Jess says:

    Ohhh this is just all too sad :( mines a trickier story…
    I’ve been with my bf for like 16 months at about the 8 month mark our relationship took a bit of a turn & he ended up needing antidepressants and was quite scary for a few weeks and in that time i was in contact with my ex. It wasnt because i was going to leave or cheat it was more that i swear i could have been about as sexual as a loaf of bread to my bf haha he was just so not into me or sex. My ex is still so sexually into me. Nothing more so we would talk smac about bits & pieces and i was hiding it from my bf. he was very aware though that i was unhappy in our relationship i communicate with him when i am unhappy but he was not changing anything so i did what i did. Needless to say i was busted & felt terrible, deleted him etc and we carried on as usual and things have actually been amazing, talking of babies & marriage etc UNTILL NOW. He was showing me something on his phone & a message from the phone app’ KIK popped up he snatched his phone out of my view and denied denied denied that he had the app’ and couldnt understand why it had popped up. CAUSE LIKE IM THAT MUCH OF AN IDIOT
    Anyway few days go past and i cant shake off the urge to go through his phone so i do it. I find out that on KIK he had tens of women all quite gross and in their 50′s so i delete them all and change his username to you’ve been busted haha but i was ok with that i wasnt going to say anything because it was harmless THAN I cant stop & go into his emails & find he’s signed up to ‘are you interested’ a dating site under the name of Brandon Lynch which is hillarious cause his name is craig. He’s been using this thing for months talking to upwards of 50 women from all over the place even our home town!! Embarrassing!! I confront him and he lies and lies but i pull him up at every turn as i did thorough research before saying anything…
    All this said i feel that i have to let it go as i did something similar but believe its different. He is claiming to be single talking to any woman who will respond to his pathetic crap of “no’one wants me” bla bla bla never once stopping to tell the truth when i ask if everythings okay. WHAT DO I DO?!?!?

  44. MsReversePsychology says:

    Wow! like really wow! i read everything, even comments, its because, i´ve met this guy online too, and we just met 2nd time, planning for the 3rd. Let me give you one factor, he is 14 years older than me. I like him. of course, he has to pay to be a member of that website.he still logs on, I understand, me either.I was trying not to log on much after I met him, cause I said, he will be the last guy Im going to meet from dating site, and among all I´ve met, I guess we have good chemistry. I admit, I´m feeling a bit upset when I saw him online at the website after we chat on a messenger, of course, I try to understand. so I decided to google this problem,same cases we have here..and I think I´m guessing one solution to this problem, I´ll still keep logging online while he does also, & while he´s still inviting me to meet him. lets just see who gives up first. I´m still young, his clock is ticking,if he´s playing, then game on!=P But anyway,it made me think rationally after reading all your posts.I like learning lessons in advance.=)

  45. Just finished reading all the posts and my heart goes out to everyone. It’s crazy how similar our experiences are.

    I Started dating an old flame from high school. He was recently separated and I was single (we are both in our 40′s) He asked to me to befriend him through Facebook. I did. We started sending messages to each other. He told me that he had never gotten over me and had always secretly loved me. (ya ya I bought it ~ duh I know) He send me romantic emails, we exchanged numbers and started dating. It was wonderful for 7 months then one night I get a text message from him that said “I really enjoyed our night, I hope I wasn’t too rusty, it’s been awhile since I have kissed anyone besides my ex-wife” We hadn’t seen each other for 3 days! My heart sank. This text was meant for someone else, not me.

    I called him on it and he claimed that it was meant for me from the last time he was over (4 days ago) Well like an idiot I bought it. But then I became suspicious. I decided to check his phone a few days later and I found a text from a girl saying: “where have you been all night, I have been texting you” His response “sorry baby I got called into work and left my phone in my car, then the battery died.”

    When in reality he was at my house all night. I immediately called him on it and that is when he told me that he has been addicted to the internet and he has 3 girls that he has met on line that he interchanges. I was crushed.
    I dumped him. Cut off all contact with him. It took me 4 long months to get over it.

    And then it happens. He e-mails me and wants a friend date. I decline. He pursues me for weeks and in a moment of weakness I agree to a date. He’s a charmer and tells me everything I want to hear so we start up a relationship again. He claims to have ended all the other relationships. He claims to love me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. We have all the same interests and get along great. I could see myself spending the rest of my life with him.

    And then it happens ~ history repeats itself and I get a stray text message ~ to another woman from him saying: “Okay baby, I will be 15 minutes” We didn’t have plans to see each other that night. OMG how stupid could I be.

    I confronted him about it and he came up with some lame excuse and then drove over to my house right away to explain it away. I bought his story.

    We continued seeing each other but my trust was gone. I felt like a loser and my self esteem was crushed. He kept professing his love for me, talked about growing old together etc. But it ate away at me. I knew I had to end it but I didn’t right away because I loved him so much.

    Then I learned that he had been hooking up with some girl from work. Once only 2 hours after I left his house. That was it. I couldn’t take it anymore. I ended it.

    After reflecting on it, I believed I stayed in this broken relationship because I so wanted him to be the one and I thought if I gave him enough love he would be. But I realized that he is a broken little boy inside that will never be the man that I want. Now I just feel sorry for him and all the woman that fall prey to him.

    • Jen says:

      I have discovered my husband on dating sites several times, he was easily spotted as he used his own picture and correct details. Every time I confronted him he stopped for a month or so. I have just discovered him on two more sites but this time he has used someone else’s photo and states he is 45 (he is actually nearly 70) The photo he has posted is of a really good looking guy with a full head of hair, while my husband is bald with no teeth. So believe me men are all the same no matter what age. I now just think my husband is a sad old man who should no better a pathetic specimen and a poor excuse for a man. He contacts at least 30 women every day and I can’t believe how gullible they all are as not one of them have twigged he is a fraud. He sometimes speaks really smutty to them and he asks them for saucy pics, to say I am hurt and disgusted is an understatement. He acts as if nothing is wrong with our relationship but wonders why some days I can hardly speak to him. I have not told him that I have found him out yet again, there is no point because he would just find another site in a week or two.

      I actually feel sorry for the women as I feel they are being manipulated and don’t even know it. I at least know what and who he is I know I should leave him but I at my age I don’t feel it is possible. I can’t tell my family as I feel so ashamed. I am now at the stage where I just wish he would die and let me have a few worry free years.

      • Larissa says:

        Jen, don’t feel that you’re too old to leave him. He is obviously making you sad and you don’t deserve that.

        I understand feeling ashamed. I too felt ashamed when I found out that my now ex was on dating sites. But I have since found out that I had never a reason to feel ashamed, because he was the idiot all along. Same goes for your husband.

        Please do talk to your family and friends because it’s not good if you keep all the sadness within you. I’m sure they will help you get over this and find your happiness again.

        • evelyn says:

          My story is much like every one else’s here. Thanks for posting, everyone. It has been 2 years, and I am still hurting every time I think about it – which is actually good as it stops me from contacting him. I really liked him as a person. I frequently wished for conversations with him, but this flawed personality of his makes him not deserving of a secure relationship.

  46. Meagan says:

    we should not easily fall in love to the person we only know in the dating site instead we examine him deeply.

  47. Mildred says:

    Hey! This post couldn’t be written any better! Reading through this post reminds me of my previous room mate! He always kept talking about this. I will forward this page to him. Pretty sure he will have a good read. Many thanks for sharing!
    Mildred recently posted..MildredMy Profile

  48. Kat says:

    His profile is up, but no pictures: My boyfriend of four years and I were recently joking around about online dating and I asked him, “you don’t have a dating profile up do you?”. He looked at me funny and said, “No”. I checked on a major site after that conversation and he has a profile up, without pictures. I know it is him. We met on the same site years ago and he has the same user name and details. He was active within 24 hours. A few months ago we broke up and then got back together. Do you think because he doesn’t have pictures he’s not technically active and I shouldn’t worry, or is this something pretty bad. Opinions PLEASE!
    Kat recently posted..Deserve’s Got Nothing To With ItMy Profile

  49. Dollfac3 says:

    I have caught my then fiance…i called off the
    engagement…on about 4 different online websites..he is also the father of my child we are just dating now …i am so fed up with him..i told him that if he is on it again he will never see his son and I will be filing for child support and then he won’t have money to survive

  50. updated says:

    The ex I met online was a well known chiropractor – I was cautious and fair. Believing until proven wrong. He told me lies out the kazoo and in a contrived, orchestrated manner only a spin master narcissist can excel at.

    I eventually found out more than I ever wanted to know about this supposed GOOD GUY. He was anything but good unless you count a pathological liar. Single & childless until middle age – failed marriage of less than 2 yrs and a kid, He is now over 51 he is still perusing and lying. If it is not his age he is lying about – its his profile talking about ideals. None of which he is capable or willing to execute.

    I vexed about his tenant in the basement – asked about he and her and he lied saying nothing went on at any point btwn. them. Come to find out nearly one yr later after he lost track of his lies that he had had sex with her and it meant nothing and he lied because he felt it was a non issue. It would have been if she was not living with him and started giving me death glares. Showing up in his living quarters chatting away and being absolutely ugly around me.

    The scumbag is still out there – no doubt I would be one of many in the wake of his sick behavior. Gave me an std. Thanks DOC!


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