So, um… yeah. I get it. At least, I think I do.
I am the barrier queen. So much so that not too long ago, after a date, a guy mentioned that I was “very closed off” and “hard to read.”
I knew he was right, but was a little embarrassed. I hadn’t realized how obvious I was. How HARD.
I walk through my dating life, only half connecting with the guys I date. Maybe less than half. Hoping to meet someone who seems worth the bother (and potential pain) of opening up to. But maybe I have it backwards. Maybe the guard has to come down first?
I hope not. Because, I don’t know if I’m capable of functioning with my guard down. Really down.
Actually, I’m not even sure I remember what that feels like. It’s been such a long time.
I vaguely recall what it’s like to trust someone. And to have that trust betrayed. And to be hurt. But I can’t remember the before. Before the hurt and the betrayal and the trust, there must have been a time when I knew how to live with my guard down. Open to feeling.
Must have been…
And if I did it before, I can do it again. Right?