Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.


So, a not so funny thing happened to me on a date this weekend.  It was a with this guy. We were talking. Having a really nice conversation. And all of sudden my eyes welled up with tears. I worked hard to fight them back, so maybe he didn’t notice. If he did (notice) he didn’t say anything.

Why the tears?

Because all of a sudden I was overwhelmed with feeling. Real feeling. Real conflicting that a) I was starting to like this guy and b) I was seeing things in him that scare me/reminders of other people and other situations.

This has never happened to me before. Crying on a date. I guess maybe it’s a sign that I’m not as healed and ready for a new relationship as I thought I was. Or maybe something else? Maybe just an effed up way of me reminding myself to break old patterns. I don’t know.

I really don’t know.

I do know that crying on dates isn’t normal. Or acceptable. And that he probably noticed. Even though I quickly recovered and changed the subject by telling a .

I also know that I’ve always stared down my fears and insecurities. And I refuse to spend the rest of my life hiding from real emotion just because I’ve had my heart stomped on a couple too many times.

Anyway, I wouldn’t be surprised if I never hear from him again. I cried on our second date. Big no-no. But honestly, that seems kinda secondary to me today.

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8 to “Damaged”

  1. roger gil says:

    If your tears were momentary and not accompanied by anything that sounded like crying (i.e. weeping, sobbing, or wavering voice), odds are he would think it was something like an allergy or dust in your eye. Most of us guys won’t think too much of it if we like a girl or if there was no other weirdness accompanying it. If he is observant and hypervigilant for dealbreakers, then you may be right though.

    As for your reaction, your take on it MIGHT be right. When we haven’t worked through past issues, traumas, or painful events and dealt with it with stoicism, the brain has a funny way of triggering emotional reactions the next time it starts to feel itself in a similar situation again. If I was in your place, unless I had a repeated strong emotional reaction then I wouldn’t necessarily let it keep me from moving into a relationship. The way to work through issues is to confront the “big ugly truth” in a place where we feel safe. As a therapist I tell people that therapy is a great place to do this but therapy isn’t for everyone. Some people use faith, support groups, journaling, art, or some other venue as a way to vent. But until you’re sure, don’t over-process this too much… it may have nothing to do with past traumas, fear related to emotional intimacy, or an aversion to any vulnerability that you would inevitably face once into a relationship… it could’ve been a reaction to a “bad week”, a reaction to medication, or any other thing. But I’m sure you know what I’m about to say: tread slowly. #UnsolicitedAdvice

  2. Toddy says:

    Wow, great advice by Roger gil above. Not sure I couldve been as inciteful. As to the crying, Im gonna guarantee he did NOT notice. The majority of human beings would likely have said “are you ok?” if their companion was suddenly in distress. “Whats wrong?” dont you think? At least thats my instinct. How did the date go other than the crying? Also I want you to know youre not alone. If you ever read my blog (please do) ive had three dates with a new great guy since new years. I havent cried in front of him but i came home and cried after dates one and two and even whispered thank you, like to the universe i guess, which is so embarassing. Not bc of old baggage (which i have) or bc im in love w this guy (im not) but i think bc i was treated so poorly by so many people last year in romantic and non-romantic settings that it just felt good to have someone recognize my worth and treat me well and reminded me of my worth and the potential thats out there for happiness and satisfaction and joy. Crying doesnt mean somethings wrong w you. Heck, my dad cries at Hallmark movies. So dont beat yourself up too much. Cheers and cheer up, T.

  3. Nikki04 says:

    Oh boy.

    First of all? I have to agree that the may not have noticed. I kind of feel like they go automatically to… that-didn’t-happen mode.

    Regardless – if he did notice and doesn’t call? I’m with you that that is secondary. Don’t beat yourself up over it. I’ve been in the place where the stupidest thing will set you off – and I know my friends have too. You just need time, and some support – and whatever else it is to let yourself get through this. While you can’t go around stuck in a funk, we should never ignore our emotions, good or bad. We should experience them, they’re part of the healing process.

    Bummer that it happened on a second date though! Feel your pain there – but what can you do!

  4. T says:

    I hate to admit this but I’ve even cried on JOB INTERVIEWS! I think sometimes, I just feel overwhelmed by life and when it seems like there could be a possibility of a good change, I get really emo about it.

    Don’t be too hard on yourself. I say allow the feeling, don’t analyze it and then find something to smile about.

    Maybe he didn’t notice. Because if he did, I would hope he’d at least ask if you’re ok.

  5. jPb says:

    Emotions never lie. Rules do, though, and if you feel you broke a rule by crying on a date, then the only one you owe an apology to is yourself. If fellow in question is compassionate, he will be worried. Let him decide to make the call. I suggest you concentrate on the source of the emotion, the punch line… a boxer I know tells me, “pain is weakness leaving yo’ body.” I hope some form of that rather concentrated wisdom helps you now.

  6. jPb says:

    (as a side note, and I by no means intend to tell you about what you already know… the quickness to crying, the fluid and fast moments when you find clarity in writing, or speaking or emotions; these are said to be the domain of Hermes.)

  7. LadyD says:

    I cried on a first date this past summer – while on our 3rd Moscow Mules, and being deep in good conversation, the bar we were in started playing a Pat Benatar song (Love is a Battlefield), and suddenly I could not stop thinking of the end of the funeral of a best friend who passed away suddenly a few years ago (the song had significance to all of us), and I just LOST IT. But my date was very sweet and kind, and wasn’t bothered at all. I did NOT beat myself up over it; in fact, I think he found me MORE attractive because I showed some vulnerability. Sometimes ‘ya just feel what’cha feel, and it has to come out – you’re HUMAN – be grateful that you CAN feel! (The guy I was on the date with I’ve now become good friends with, but no romance happened; but that’s OK!)

  8. Kayle says:

    If you smelled so much of a bit of the bad on him and you were reminded of your own (bad?) patterns, why did you stay instead of excusing yourself? was it just to be polite? did you go on another date? Crying on a date for recognizable reasons is extreme, but as it made perfectly good sense as you described, I don’t think crying’s the problem in this situation!
    I mean I’ve cried AT HOME for the same reasons, but it was because I was annoyed that I was going to break it off with someone I had thought had potential and I was disappointed.