Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Learning as I Go

Learning as I Go online dating dating update  956035 56068965 224x300As many people/friends/readers know, I tend to write many of these posts a day or even days in advance. It’s really the only way I can make it work. Sometimes, it’s a same day thing. But that’s not the norm.

So right now, as I’m writing, it’s Monday afternoon. But this will be posted Tuesday morning.

That said, Last night (Sunday) I had a date. My first in a few weeks. My first good first date in a long-ass time. Looooong-ass time.

Yes, it was a ! It’s a freaking miracle.

Not only was it a good date, but it was also one of those dates that helped me to learn and grow as a dater. OK, maybe that’s overstating things. But I definitely got something out of it, other than just a good time.

First off, I was initially hesitant to go out with this . There were a couple of red flags that shouldn’t have been. For one, he works in the entertainment industry. And as I’ve written about, I have issues with that. And there were other random things I learned from his online dating profile that also gave me pause. Nothing BIG. But things that made me think – maybe not so much. But I’m really trying to be as open as I can be. AND, I’m glad I took the leap of faith.

That said, I was mildly annoyed before the date because he made me pick the place. Which was stupid. He was polite enough to offer to come to my neighborhood, but then asked me to pick a place. I would have preferred for him to offer to come to my neighborhood AND pick a place or, even, to pick a place in another neighborhood. But, you know what? That’s something I’m just going to have to get over. Thinking back to the hundreds of dates I’ve been on in my life, there is no correlation between the guys who picked the place, the great dates, and the guys who turned out to be wonderful people. None. So if I’m going to let myself be annoyed every time a guy suggests I pick a place for us to meet, I’m choosing to be annoyed over something of no significance.

So the date itself… we were having a pleasant conversation.  All was good. I was happy to be there.  And then he asked, and I can’t remember how he phrased it, if I would like to continue the conversation. We’d both just finished our drinks and so I figured it was his way of asking, ‘should I order another drink and maybe something to munch on.’  I said yes, which was the truth. And the next thing you know we were getting up and going to another place for food (just a few blocks away).

Honestly, if I could have a do-over, I would have stayed in place.  There was something about moving to the new place that made things feel like they were moving along at a faster pace.  And pacing is something I’m trying to pay a lot more attention to, nowadays. I firmly believe that my biggest relationship mistakes have come from letting things move too fast (and I’m not talking about sex).

With the moving to the new restaurant and deciding what to order and blah blah blah… the date went on too long. Which is not to say that I was bored at any point. I wasn’t. But we talked too much. Spent too much time together. It was all a bit more than I want from a first date (4 hours in total).

Anyway, there was a peck on the cheek out on the sidewalk and nice things said and then a text from him when he got home. All good and fine.  Do I think there will be a second date?  Probably. Do I want there to be a second date?  Yeah, I think so. Am I still concerned about those red flags? Absofuckinlutely.

PS, I have another first date tonight. Not a single with this guy and he picked an awesome place for the date (not in my ‘hood, but not far and totally worth traveling to). Not that that should matter. Stay tuned.


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11 to “Learning as I Go”


  1. Elizabeth Andrews says:

    Are you me?

    I had two dates last weekend as well. Both of the mens’ online profiles had “red flags” in them (although neither were in the entertainment industry), but I was determined to hope for the best while remaining realistically wary. The first date, on Saturday, wasn’t so good. My presumptions turned out to be correct and not in a good way. The second date, on Sunday, was great! The guy had a really appealing energy, and I was immediately attracted to him. It’s been AGES since I felt that way.

    I let him pick the place, and it was a good one, but I noticed that it closed early on Sunday and that he probably hadn’t realized that. After an hour we were kicked out during the middle of a great conversation, and he suggested we find another venue. Even though I was nervous about possibly conveying disinterest, I told him that instead we should meet again later in the week and enjoy the anticipation. He did seem disappointed but we have been in touch and are planning another date. I wanted to leave on a good note and thought that trying to find another open bar or coffee house on a rainy night would get us bogged down in logistics and drag everything on to long.

  2. Hey Simone,

    I saw your post & couldn’t help laugh at some of your red flags. The guy asked you to pick the lace to eat? He wanted to go to a different place for dinner? C’mon. U’re kidding right? And if yo didn’t want to leave why not tell him so?
    I grew up with all women so I learned a long time ago that a woman expects us to think & act like them (sorry it ain’t gonna happen , most men are to self involved and too stupid to figure it out…and I’m a guy!)

    If you really want to know how to recognize Mr. Right form Mr. Wrong figure out exactly what you need from him, not what you want…there’s a huge difference!

    Until u do u’re gonna make dating and finding the guy u’re looking for so much harder than it needs to be.

    Good Luck!
    J-

    • Simone Grant says:

      Empowerment Guy,
      Neither the fact that he asked me to pick the place or that we moved locations were red flags. I realize you had a little sermon you wanted to write about how much you know about women. But it’s usually helpful when you actually comment on what’s been written, not what you imagine has been written.

  3. Wilmaryad says:

    Happy New Year, Simone! May it bring along good, fun and constructive dates. :)

    4 hours on a date? And there was no awkward silent moment during the 4? That, girl, is definitely a good date.

    I’m surprised the guy even texted after. Didn’t he have enough time to express his subjugation already? :D

    • Simone Grant says:

      And Happy New Year to YOU, darling. So nice to see you, again. It was a looooong date. I’m sure there were a few awkward moments, but I was so tired afterward, I forgot all about them.

  4. Rain says:

    Ok the whole thing was truly funny….i really wanna know how your second date with Sunday guy will come along….and interested to know more about your red flags…..
    I absolutely loved your response to Empowerment Guy lol lol lol Well done….well done….lol lol lol another proof how men don’t listen or read what women say or write lol

    • Simone Grant says:

      I’ll have news on Monday. Or, at least, I should.

      And thank you. I love it when people take the time to comment. But really hate when people just use my comment section to preach their nonsense w/o regard to what’s been written.

  5. Simone, just want you to know that you inspire me. I just joined eHarmony and am looking forward to dating for the first time in many, many, many years. Happy New Year!

    • Simone Grant says:

      Thank you, darling. I know what it’s like to go a long time w/o dating (I did it in my early 30s – all work and no play). We all deserve social lives. Good luck with the dating. Can’t wait to read about it on your blog.

  6. Toddy says:

    Simone- great post. I must say I love when a guy picks the place and does the planning. But- when guys ask me to pick it doesnt bother me so much. I dont think its rrally a sign of lack of effort, but try instead to see it as a desire for ME to have a good time and letting me pick might ensure that in some guys’ eyes. Glad you had such a good first date experience. I just had a firstdate w a great guy too and am equally worried about pacing bc we like each other so much we want to be together but i also dont want the flame to burn out prematurely. Wishing you luck and cheers, T.