Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

It Doesn’t Matter Why

So, last week, I got to catch up with an old friend. One of those people I don’t speak to nearly as often as I should/wish I did. And, not that I minded (much), but we had the same old conversation.

Her, “I just don’t get it. Why would he do that?”

Me, “It doesn’t matter why.”

10 minutes of her angrily rehashing the dumbass thing the man in her life had done to upset her.

Her, “It doesn’t make any sense.”

Me, “It doesn’t matter why.”

5 more minutes of her expressing just how upset she is.

Me. “I’m sorry you’re hurt.  He’s a .”

Her, “I wish I could understand why he does this shit.”

Me, “It doesn’t matter why.”

Or something like that. You get the gist of it. An hour phone call, and more than half of it was taken up with boy crap. Which is fine, because sometimes we girls need to vent.

I really haven’t learned much about , and guys. I’ve only been dating for 25-ish years, give me time. But one thing I have learned, it doesn’t matter why. Maybe it should. And lord knows, it feels like it should matter. Like I’d feel better if I knew.

But why a guy is acting like a jerk is actually kinda beside the point. It’s his behavior that’s the issue, not his motivation.

Blah blah blah, I’m sure I’ve said this before.  It’s all so very easy to  say or write. But the reality is that I (and most of the women I know) feel a deep-down need to know WHY. As if that’s going to change anything.

Why is he letting his phone go to VM?

Why didn’t he call when he said he would?

Why is he acting so distant?

Why didn’t he return my text?

Why why why why why????

And we’re all smart enough to know that it doesn’t matter why.  But we drive ourselves crazy wondering, anyway.

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10 to “It Doesn’t Matter Why”

  1. Nicole says:

    So true! Every time I find myself obsessing I have to shake myself and say out loud, ‘It doesn’t matter!’. For some reason it seems to work.

  2. Nikki04 says:

    Sometimes, some of us, we need to vent. We need to over-analyze and discuss and deconstruct and freak the fuck right out. Sometimes, we NEED that.

    But. What we learn is that you, Miss Grant, ARE ABSO-FREAKIN-LUTELY RIGHT. It doesn’t matter: “It’s his behavior that’s the issue, not his motivation.” Right EFFING on.

    It doesn’t matter WHY – even if we are DESPERATE for that answer. It doesn’t matter if he’s just-not-that-into-you or emotionally-unavailable or a fucking-coward-who-can’t-commit. Who cares. They all end up with the same answer: He is behaving like a complete ASS and he isn’t treating you the way he should. DONE AND DONE.

    I am not sure why we need to know the WHY of it. I think it’s either a) closure (if we had an explanation, we could walk away easier… really?) or b) if we knew what was wrong – we’d fix it (why the FUCK would you want to fix this asshole, anyway?). Or maybe it’s c) if we knew the answer, we’d know what was wrong with US (NO – enough of this bullshit. Even he’s-not-that-into-you leads you to feel like, on some level, it’s YOU when maybe IT’S NOT.) Or maybe it’s some of all three.

    The thing of it is, you learn this – and you just have to take that understanding with you – and just let go of the why. When you deal with asshats (love that term) and douche canoes (when a bag just isn’t enough), but also when you’re friends do, too. So you can let them vent and bitch and cry and over-analyze to the point that they need it, and not further. Because the only good thing that comes from dealing with asshats and douche canoes? Is learning how to move right the fuck on – and how to help your friends do the same.

    Love this post!

    • Simone Grant says:

      You said the magic words. For me it is a toxic combination of a) wanting to be able to fix things & b) needing closure. But I know, on a rational level that a) some things can’t be fixed & b) closure is a myth.

  3. Cougel says:

    Simone, we must be on the same dating or life experience timeline. I just wrote about this too. Sometimes things just dont click, and why doesnt matter.

  4. Actually, I think it does matter sometimes. Granted, there are asshats that are just being douchey. But one of the big things I did learn being married was that sometimes guys aren’t trying to be assholes, it just comes out that way because they are hurt/frustrated/angry/etc. Yes the behaviour is unacceptable. But sometimes if you can understand the behaviour then you discover that they weren’t being a dick to be a dick, that they had their own reasons. I know that I can be a bitch for some of the same reasons. Just saying.

    • Simone Grant says:

      I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree on this one. I used to agree with you 100%. I would think that if ex-boyfriend A was being a jerk because he was stressed about work project B (or some other concrete thing) then I could just decide to forgive him and all would be well. But the problem with that, for me (maybe not other people) was that ex-boyfriend A always behaved badly towards when he was stressed out about anything. And, as you said, that behavior is unacceptable.

      If a guy isn’t interested in changing his unacceptable behavior, it’s silly of me to stick around and get treated poorly, repeatedly. Maybe there’s some other logical solution. For me, the logical solution is to walk away.

  5. Corazón says:

    Just wrote a similar blog post today. I´m the expert on analysing and asking why. I´m convinced that understanding every little detail of the guys action will make it better. It upsets me that I´m wasting my time on this, while he´s out being happy, worry free and probably moving on to the next girl as we speak.

    Anyway, hope you´re having a lovely christmas!
    Greetings from a rainy Barcelona!