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Maybe I Should Change My Headline to “Non-breeder in NYC”?

Maybe I Should Change My Headline to Non breeder in NYC? online dating  1281126 37028477 1 300x200I have no right to be annoyed by this, but that’s never stopped me before.

So, it’s about online dating… A pretty high number of the guys I’m getting messages from and an equally high number of the ones I find interesting in my searches state a specific desire to have kids. Some are uber-specific about it in their profiles. And some of these guys are 5-15 years older than me, and childless, so I’m guessing they’re suddenly in a hurry.

Whereas, there is zero chance of my bearing a child. ZERO. I adore kids. Always have. And I’m completely open to adoption if my theoretical future mate wanted one. But my baby making parts aren’t available for use.

This would be an issue no matter how I was meeting guys. Online dating puts it out on the table from the get go. Which is great/awful. Seriously, I prefer to have it out there, rather than waiting until we’re already in relationship mode. But this time around, it seems like more of an issue. Like there is a higher % of guys seeking baby makers, I mean their future wives and mothers of their children. Which would be awesome if that’s what I wanted.

There’s just no tactful way of saying to a , “Thanks for writing, but I see you’re really into having kids. I adore children and wouldn’t mind adopting a few. But my body won’t be producing any for you or anyone else.”

I mean, I could write that.  But no sane man would ever reply.

PS.  Yes, I went out with this guy. But, for reasons I don’t feel comfortable mentioning, I don’t feel comfortable writing about it. Right now. Maybe I will in the future.


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16 to “Maybe I Should Change My Headline to “Non-breeder in NYC”?”


  1. MJ says:

    Au contraire my friend, I do think that what you wrote is tactful and straight to the point. I’m no dating specialist and yes I’m 32 and single. In your shoes I’d write almost the same thing, maybe change it a bit by saying: “Thanks for writing, I see you’re really into having kids. I adore children and wouldn’t mind adopting a few. If that fits your plans keep in touch.”

    I’m not a fan of giving explanations to people specially if I haven’t figured out if I want to really get to know them. If a man wants to get to know me he will for sure get all the scoop before we’re in “relationship mode”. That’s what dating is for.

    I’m pretty sure that there are plenty of single sane men out there that are not only looking for baby makers. Be patient and keep dating…he will find you.

    • Simone Grant says:

      Oh, I know there are lots of men who don’t want kids. I was just commenting on the fact that, for whatever bizarre reason, so many of those wanting kids seem to be around right now. That could change in a hot minute, though.

  2. Jaclyn says:

    This seems really weird to me. I know a few men really wanted kids right away, but they limited their online dating to women under 35 (usually closer to 30). When women in their late 30s contacted them, they would ignore them no matter how interesting their profiles were.

    If men are contacting you, they must be aware of the potential fertility difficulties you may face even if you wanted to have a child. Either they are looking for a short term relationship while continuing to search for their future babymomma, or they are open to the possibility of IVF with donor eggs or adoption.

    • Black Iris says:

      I got pregnant in my late 30s. It’s not unreasonable to think that a woman who has just turned 40 could still have children. Guys might even assume that she would be more ready to have one right away than a woman in her 30s.

      Also, I think a guy in his 50s might find that his chances of getting a woman in her early 30s are limited. Or he might be a good guy who would rather be with a woman who is closer to his age.

      • The Indian says:

        “Or he might be a good guy who would rather be with a woman who is closer to his age.”

        What does that mean? A guy who is open to being with younger women is a bad guy?

    • Simone Grant says:

      It may seem weird, but it is what it is. I’m guessing that the older ones aren’t having much luck with the younger women. Or not. Who knows. I don’t spend much time trying to figure out WHY the people I DO KNOW do what they do, much less why strangers do what they do. It’s unknowable. Why bother?
      Just commenting on the phenoma.

  3. Black Iris says:

    I wonder if you’re seeing lots of men who want kids because you’re looking for older, educated, successful men who are single and childless? Younger men might not want children. Men with kids probably won’t be looking to have kids. The childless men may have never settled down and suddenly heard their biological clock ticking. Or maybe they were married, but didn’t have kids and now their biological clock is ticking.

    • Simone Grant says:

      Interesting and very inaccurate assumption you’re making here. I’m not seeking men who are single and childless. I actually quite prefer men with kids (as I’ve written about many times). Although I don’t discriminate against childless men.
      I don’t really discriminate against any “type” of man.

  4. Sandy says:

    It’s funny – I’m having the opposite situation…meeting men who don’t want to breed. Personally, I’m undecided on the the whole giving birth thing but I’ve been finding a lot of guys that just aren’t interested in having kids. I even had one guy ask me if I was a breeder! I wrote about it on http://www.idratherbesingle.com.

    • Simone Grant says:

      I hope he help on to that question a while. I’d probably have a hard time dealing with that level of intrusiveness on a first, second or third date.

  5. The Indian says:

    I know a lot of guys in NYC who either don’t want kids or are undecided. The only problem is most of those guys aren’t interested in a serious relationship.

    • Simone Grant says:

      Most? I don’t know if that’s true. Maybe that’s true of the men you know. But there are lots of guys with children from earlier marriages who would be happy to marry again but don’t want more kids. I have no idea of the % but I there are a lot of them.

      • The Indian says:

        Oh, I don’t know about guys with children from earlier relationships. I was referring to guys I know that don’t have kids and don’t want kids – most of those guys aren’t interested in serious long term relationships.

  6. Cougel says:

    Great post- fascinating challenge. Usually, or so I’ve discovered, it’s the women not the men who people assume are in a hurry. Just putting my age (38) on my profile im afraid implies pressure to any man that comes across it. Although I think it’s normal for men and women of a certain age to be forthright about their baby expectations..that’s their choice. Your specific situation is different however. Id think that if you’ve messaged with a guy (before mtg him) whose profile explicitly says “wants children” u might wanna let him know your situation. If he still wants to go out, then great.

    • Simone Grant says:

      I have always just chosen, up til now, to avoid these guys like the plague. I’ll admit it, it’s not the most mature route. But I don’t enjoy discussing my childbearing issues with strangers. Not even hear on the blog. The thought of doing it in an email with some random guy online kinda makes me feel icky.

      Not that avoiding men who could be great is a good solution…

  7. Terry says:

    I find it odd that some male would post how they want kids and this is online. Maybe I find that odd because I didn’t want kids – maybe I’m the odd one here. I wonder if that means that when you date a person would give access to their health information — or instead of a photo you would post an ultrasound of the uterus, or a physician verified sperm count. Hmmm– I’m sensing an opportunity here– hey, SG lets open a medical online service- where potential dates could size up their mates much like a Kentucky horse breeder does.