Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

This Song is Ruined for Me

I’m an applefangirl and I’m not ashamed to admit it. I love my iphone just a bit more than I hate it.

I love the fact that the other night a friend fixed my fucked up living room shelves by downloading an iphone app to act as a level. I love the fact that I no longer get lost in Chinatown because my iphone gives me awesome directions. And, I love that it doubles/triples as a MP3 player and a (decent) camera so that I don’t have to carry around more than one gadget (and yeah, I know there are other smart phones that can do those things, but not with the same panache).

Anyway, I was out walking.  And I had my music on shuffle.  A came on that I hadn’t heard in a really long time. I heard the first few seconds and stopped. In the middle of the sidewalk. Just stopped and stood there for a while.  Trying not to cry.

All I could think of was the day I’d emailed that song to a boy. It was the end of a relationship. Or near the end. And I knew it was ending. It was obvious. To me, at least. He was acting like a jerkface and I was losing my patience with it/him.

One morning I woke up and thought, I want to fix this. I didn’t actually think I could fix it.  In fact, I’m pretty sure I knew I couldn’t. But I didn’t want things to end without trying. Without making some kind of effort. Even a lame effort.

And I was listening to music. And this song came on. And I thought, this is what he needs to hear. If he can hear it. Maybe he’ll get it. Maybe he’ll care. And so I sent him an email with the song and a little message. Said I was thinking of him and wanted to talk. Something like that.

I remember his reply. “Thanks.”  He might as well have written, “fuck off.”

We didn’t talk. And shortly after, we said our goodbyes. I wasn’t surprised. Hurt, but not surprised.

And now, years later, each and every time I hear that song, I get a flashback. Of that day. That experience. The end of a relationship, in all of it’s pitiful glory.

It’s been so many years. So much goddamn time has passed.  And still the flashbacks.  I gotta say, I’m more than a little (irrationally) angry. Because I’ve always loved that song.  And now it’s ruined for me.

The song is no longer on my phone.  No more unwanted shuffle surprises.

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9 to “This Song is Ruined for Me”

  1. jackie says:

    This one hits too close to home. I have whole playlists I’ve had to delete, entire genres that now cause those itches to self-revive. Few things can remind us of how unwell we really are about a given situation more than the music we attached to the feelings.


  2. Saucy says:

    I totally understand. There are certain songs that rip my heart out & make me cry. What a wonderful post! However, I am very curious to know what song you’re talking about. :)

  3. pups4me says:

    Music is magical that way…both good and bad. I can still remember the feeling I had with a boy 25 years ago when I hear a certain song…and it’s a good feeling.
    I know what you mean about the songs that bring back the sad feelings…there are plenty of those, but thankfully there are also good ones.

  4. LJ Maggie says:

    I completely understand this. I was dating someone in the music industry so he traveled a lot and we would send song lyrics to each other. I have for the most part forgotten the songs but for a while I would remember and it was hard not to think of him when I heard those songs on the radio.

  5. Yes, there are some songs which are close to your heart. Life is beautiful. Have fun and enjoy!!!

  6. I never have this problem because I am a masochist and will instead listen to the song 32 times in a row to make sure I get the full effect.

    If you do that enough times it eventually loses its effect. Then you can return to just liking the song.

  7. Lindsey says:

    Awwww. I totally get it. We’ve all got those songs…hell, I have a whole play list of them. :) At least you did the smart thing and deleted it and HIM.

  8. I love this post — it really hits home for me. About a month ago, after a few months of really promising dates, the guy I was seeing ended things with me very suddenly. My first conscious act, after I’d gotten through the first round of tears, was to delete all of the playlists I’d made when I was so excited about him. They were the soundtrack to all of the adventures I’d imagined us having together, and I don’t know how long it will be until I’m ready to hear them again.

  9. MJ says:

    I only have one song that I hate, well not hate but if I listen to it or if its video pops up on TV I immediately change the station or channel. It’s not on my ipod LOL so I also don’t have shuffle surprises ha ha.

    There are other songs that remind me of sad times and past relationships but for some reason I can listen to them because I’ve managed not to let the sad memories take over the fact that I love those songs.

    The only song I avoid is a song that this ex sent me at a time where I didn’t get the point of why I was receiving the song. It was months after we broke up that I found out he had been cheating on me when we were “together” so I understood why he sent it. Anyway, since I removed him completely from my life, everytime I listen to that song I simply choose not to keep listening.

    I haven’t taken the time to analyze why I cringe when I listen to this song even though I’m absolutely over this guy and have a happy life. I guess that he simply doesn’t deserve that I take the time to analyze this LOL. I’m sorry for the songwriter because it’s a good song, but at least from me I go into the “hear no evil” monkey mode when the song starts playing.