I love the fact that the other night a friend fixed my fucked up living room shelves by downloading an iphone app to act as a level. I love the fact that I no longer get lost in Chinatown because my iphone gives me awesome directions. And, I love that it doubles/triples as a MP3 player and a (decent) camera so that I don’t have to carry around more than one gadget (and yeah, I know there are other smart phones that can do those things, but not with the same panache).
Anyway, I was out walking. And I had my music on shuffle. A song came on that I hadn’t heard in a really long time. I heard the first few seconds and stopped. In the middle of the sidewalk. Just stopped and stood there for a while. Trying not to cry.
All I could think of was the day I’d emailed that song to a boy. It was the end of a relationship. Or near the end. And I knew it was ending. It was obvious. To me, at least. He was acting like a jerkface and I was losing my patience with it/him.
One morning I woke up and thought, I want to fix this. I didn’t actually think I could fix it. In fact, I’m pretty sure I knew I couldn’t. But I didn’t want things to end without trying. Without making some kind of effort. Even a lame effort.
And I was listening to music. And this song came on. And I thought, this is what he needs to hear. If he can hear it. Maybe he’ll get it. Maybe he’ll care. And so I sent him an email with the song and a little message. Said I was thinking of him and wanted to talk. Something like that.
I remember his reply. “Thanks.” He might as well have written, “fuck off.”
We didn’t talk. And shortly after, we said our goodbyes. I wasn’t surprised. Hurt, but not surprised.
And now, years later, each and every time I hear that song, I get a flashback. Of that day. That experience. The end of a relationship, in all of it’s pitiful glory.
It’s been so many years. So much goddamn time has passed. And still the flashbacks. I gotta say, I’m more than a little (irrationally) angry. Because I’ve always loved that song. And now it’s ruined for me.
The song is no longer on my phone. No more unwanted shuffle surprises.
Tags: Memories, song