I’m still home, sick, exhausted and sick of being sick and exhausted. It’s now clear to me and just about everyone I know that my own behavior over the past few weeks has caused this illness to be much, much worse than it would have been otherwise.
I didn’t go to the doctor soon enough.
I didn’t rest when I needed to.
I didn’t let the people who care about me help, even though they offered, over and over.
I wish I could say that this was new behavior for me. But it’s not. I have always been headstrong and stubborn and unwilling to just give in when giving in is the most reasonable thing to do. Which is just moronic. This was clearly a war I couldn’t win.
I’m fairly certain this moronic behavior carries over to the way I approach relationships. I fight wars that are un-winnable. Fight for relationships that aren’t worth saving. Don’t have the sense to just wait and see how things will turn out, but instead push and pull, trying to make reality bend to my will. Ultimately leaving me like this recent illness, exhausted and frustrated.
Anyway, I’m definitely on the mend now. I’ve actually spent most of the last 4 days sleeping. And last night I even asked a friend to bring me gatorade (I’m so sick of juice) instead of going out and getting it myself. So I’m learning.
I am capable learning. It just takes me awhile.
Tags: Relationships, Sick, stubborn