Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Speaking of Lies

But first, just to state the obvious, I’m a woman. A heterosexual woman. And so my dating and experiences are all with guys.

So when I tell a story (and talk unfavorably about a specific thing some guy did), I am not implying that only men are guilty of a type of behavior. And that women are innocent of said behavior.

I mention this because, invariably, there is someone who gets offended (whenever I mention the misdeeds of the men of my past) and accuses me of man-bashing.  And someone else who points out that women are just as bad, or worse.

Think people. These are my personal stories.  Mine. Sundays are for the guys.

So anyway, I read yesterday’s guest post and thought, now that’s a lie. And I’ve been told some doozies in my time. For example.

Now the thing is, I usually can’t spot the lies or the liars. Sure, some are obvious.  The person who forgets what they told you and changes the story.  The guy who tells you he just moved back to New York after 2 decades working in LA, but claims he’s only 35.  Those are bad liars.

But let’s be honest here, the world is full of really good liars.  REALLY. GOOD. LIARS.

So I get kind of annoyed (at myself, too) when we all play the blame game.  You should have know. There must have been signs. How could you have missed it?

I think this is about control, and our constant need to believe that we can control everything (this is coming from a complete control freak, btw).  If we believe that we can spot all of the lies and the liars, then we are in control. When in fact, we’re not in control.  And the world is full of really good liars, who can and will hurt us.  The world is also really full of awesome, lovely people. We just don’t always know who is who, from the start.

Do I have a point?  Gosh, I don’t know. It’s Friday and I’m tired.  How about I leave you with this – years ago I worked with a bunch of guys.  And one day( night actually) I was down in the dumps and one of the guys asked me what was wrong and so I told him that I’d dumped my boyfriend the day before.  I’d caught him in a big lie (again). His reply (I was in my mid 30s and he was in his mid 40s) was that women needed to learn that all men lied, all of the time.  And then he made some stupid joke about knowing a man was lying if his lips moved. Followed up by saying that his ex-wives never understood, either. None of which made any sense to me.  But it’s what I think of every time I think of lying men.  Note: I do not think that men lie more than women, and academic studies prove that men do not lie more than women.

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3 to “Speaking of Lies”

  1. pansophy says:

    Well I’m pretty cynical because I think ‘dating’ actually encourages lying. Most women expect guys to sweep them off their feet. That’s a lie, or at best, creating an illusion. Most guys expect women to be stunning and fun (all the time). Also a lie or an illusion.

    So guys are supposed to create some romantic illusion and women spend an hour or more getting ready making the illusion complete. It’s a lie already, it doesn’t translate to a lasting relationship IMO, and it really makes it easy for intentional liars like that guy to go undetected.

    Somehow I see all this working better in past when there were more rigid social rules about men courting women. Her family would have been involved objectively scrutinized his intentions. When chemicals are going crazy in our head that usually wins over our brain, so perhaps it is fool-hearty to think we can pick out the liars.

    But for my money charming guys that flood women with attention and are persistent to ‘no’ are the ones to be cautious with, at least if don’t want to sleep with a liar.

  2. batticus says:

    Male Disclaimer: No offense taken. Reading some of the linked stories, it seems to be a matter of lying through withholding information (“Everything I told you was true.”); that is still out-and-out deception but on the other hand, having (hopefully protected) sex with someone that you haven’t asked in a straightforward manner whether they are married or attached would seem to set yourself up to be deceived. No one deserves this obviously but it would seem easy enough to slow down and get to know somebody (and do a pop-in to their apartment/house if an invite is not forthcoming :). You will likely find some guys that move on quickly but the ones that stay will not likely be flagrant liars.

    From the guy’s perspective, there are enough unbalanced people out there that I would not want them to know where I live on the first date. Ditto for women, safety is an unfortunate concern these days. So there is a valid case for withholding certain information but such information (like STD status) should be shared naturally before you become intimate.

  3. vendetta says:

    I’ve heard the thing about “if a guys’s lips are moving, he’s lying” before as well. I find a bit of truth to it, a little bit of nonsense. I think some of the lies are a man’s natural need to protect someone they care about, to not let us be hurt in any way, which is why a good guy lies just as much as the one lying to get in our panties. They lie for different reasons, but I try not to get as angry at the one who thinks he’s being noble, lying to protect me from any pain. I know I’m a big girl that can handle it, but He doesn’t want to risk it, or risk rejection, losing me, or seeing me cry over something. It sounds silly to me on one hand for them to do this, but I think it’s the nature of the good guy to want to protect us not just in a physical sense but emotional as well. Now, the one lying because he wants to get laid and doesn’t think I’m a big enough girl to handle casual sex for what it is, that leads me on to think there is something more, well… I have no pity for such a man. He will feel my wrath when I find out, and I will find out. Another good saying is “I’m a woman, never underestimate my ability to find things out”…