Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Warts and All?

Warning: It’s been a few days/nights since I’ve slept. When I say I haven’t slept, I mean, I haven’t slept. Not, not well.

Last night, since I was so sleep deprived, I stopped at 7pm (really early for me) and went to at 10. I tossed and turned and listened to podcasts until about 3 am, at which point I decided that I was fighting a losing battle and I might as well grab my laptop. Not for work, just to amuse myself.  I tried for sleep again around 5-ish, but I remember seeing the clock at 6. And then the alarm went off at 7.

I haven’t slept. In days.

Anyway, that is both a warning and part of today’s topic. I’m a nutjob today. OK, frequently. And, quite frankly, this is something I hide from new people in my life. Guys.

Here, on the blog, it’s warts and all. But out in the dating world I hold people at a distance. I’ll mention the , for example. But I’d never let anyone see me(or even talk to me) on a day like today. Because I’m a mess. An unreasonable mess. And that’s not something I’d want a new person to see.  A new guy.

That just seems wrong to me.  This applies to many things I don’t want new guys to know.  The warts stay hidden.

The problem with this strategy is that it can be hard to let people in, once they’ve been kept at a distance.  It’s hard to know when or how.  And sometimes, guys think they know me when they don’t. Not at all.  And it’s not their fault. Because I haven’t really let them in.

I’m fairly sure that none of that is normal. Just another way that my instinct for self-preservation is hurting me, instead of helping.  Or something like that.

What about you folks, how close do you let new people get?

How much do you tell new men/women that you're dating about the real you?

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6 to “Warts and All?”

  1. jamy says:

    I guess the question is, are the things you keep hidden things you eventually want a partner to know? Why are you hiding them? In the end, there’s no point to it (you know this) because you will either get tired of hiding or your partner will feel estranged. Not that it’s easy to let someone in but I’m pretty sure it’s the only way to have a lasting relationship that’s not purely superficial.

  2. jiveleigh says:

    I am similar in that I don’t open up right away in a relationship. It takes me quite a while to get comfortable with a person. So whomever the guy is, he’s going to have to be patient. My reasoning is a little different from yours, though. I don’t open up because I am a very private person and sometimes I fear the vulnerability that comes with letting someone else in. Something I am trying to work on. But you’re definitely not alone in this situation.

  3. Sandyvs says:

    I’m an extremely honest, open person. People have read my profile on Cupid and said, THAT IS YOU! I also tell guys that I’m dating that they never have to worry about what is bothering me. If I’m pissed at you, you’ll not only know I’m pissed at you, you’ll know WHY. Having said this, lately there have been some really crazy things happening to me that I would not reveal to someone that I’m just getting to know. It would certainly scare ME off if I heard it!

    As far as the insomnia goes, I would tell guys in the first 2-3 dates that I have it, and when I do, I’m a mess and (trust me) you don’t want to be around me then. See, I wouldn’t consider the fact that a guy has insomnia and can be a bear when he’s sleep deprived a deal breaker.

    I’ve told guys that on the few days that I’m actually depressed or sad, I like to hole up all by myself and not talk to anyone. I don’t want to be cheered up, I want to be left ALONE. I don’t consider those type of ‘warts’ a personality/character FLAW so much as part of who you are.

  4. Fiona says:

    I won’t HIDE anything, and will answer honestly when asked, but I won’t share of my own accord untill I feel a little more secure.

  5. LadyD says:

    I, too, have sleep issues – mine is “Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome”, which causes me to not sleep until 3, 4, 5, etc. in the morning. Last guy I was seeing, I told him that I do NOT sleep unless I have earplugs & eyeshade and at the very least, Unisom. (I used to take Ambien, but stopped about 3 yrs. ago) – the first nite I stayed at his place, it was MISERABLE. We went to a 24hr. drugstore and he got all the things I needed, but it just wasn’t good. I *HATED* his bed (one of those tempurpedic marshmallow things that just SUCK you in), and his bedding was WAY TOO HOT, as was he – brutal. I slept a bit better when he stayed with me in my bed, but still, it wasn’t good. Needless to say, we broke up under 90 days – if I can’t just SLEEP with someone, it’s not going to work. My ex-bf of 3 yrs. was PERFECT: We’d have incredible sex, and then would just SLEEP. No cuddling, no thrashing about, and NO SNORING/SNOZZLING/SNOODLE-ING – NOTHING!! He was just a lump! God I miss that. I worry that for my next relationship, I may have to take Ambien again – and it just SUCKS. I’m also not a big cuddler; a few minutes after sex is OK, but after that, do NOT touch me, and stay on your side of the bed and PLEASE don’t disturb me! I think the last guy got offended b/c I wasn’t the “typical” girly cuddler, “I’m COLD!” type; I’ve always run slightly warmer than normal, and being too hot in bed happens to me even in the middle of winter by myself! Grrrr . . . So I truly do understand your misery. The last few weekends, I’ve just holed-up alone and just SLEPT for 12-13 hrs. each day. Gad. I sooo envy people who can just unplug.

  6. vendetta says:

    I’m one of the “Other” categories. If I am falling in love, I withhold a lot, I freeze up, and not because I’m afraid I’ll lose them, but more because I’m taking them in, I’m fascinated by watching and listening to them. Of course I talk some, I share important things with them, but I hold a lot more back. When I am not in love, know I’m not going to be, it all spills out, because I’m that way with friends. Although, sometimes, I think no one really knows me, mostly because I don’t think anyone has ever tried to know the real me, short a few very close friendships, usually with women.