Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

The Worst Part

The Worst Part reasons why love stinks i am not a role model  1194493 83204466 199x300It was a few months ago, I guess, and I was talking with a friend who’d had a relationship close call (she met a guy, thought he could be THE ONE and they had a couple of great weeks together… then he disappeared – almost a relationship, but not). She said the thing that upset her the most was that she’d been SO SURE he was a good guy. SO SURE. And then he pulled a fade, not even bothering to say goodbye.

Up til then, she felt like could trust her own . And afterwards she couldn’t. Which can be worse than the guy breaking your heart and pulling a fade. Guys come and go, but not being able to trust your own is a deep kind of hurt.

Anyway, I was thinking of her yesterday as I posted the Guy’s Story. It was kind of cool to see the same type of thing written from the male perspective. It’s one of those things I thought maybe only women did. Trust the wrong person and then obsess over the fact that we trusted the wrong person.  I feel bad for Christian, but it’s nice to know it’s not just a chick thing.

FWIW, I have a major problem with this.  The last time I trusted someone, really trusted someone, he hurt me more that I thought was possible.  And the worst part of it (worst than the hurt, worst than the anger, worst than the sadness) was the that came with knowing that I’d trusted someone who didn’t deserve it.  Who wasn’t a good person and who didn’t care about my well-being.  I was a bad judge of character.  A very bad judge of character.

And that self-doubt has stayed with me, long after all of the other stuff (hurt, anger, sadness) passed.


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18 to “The Worst Part”

  1. Dash says:

    WOW! Very honest and insightful. I think the most important form of forgiveness is the ability to forgive yourself and I think that’s where the healing begins. You’re human, let it go. It’ll hurt but holding on hurts more as you pointed out. Great post!

    • Simone Grant says:

      Thank you.

      I’ve come to recognize, lately, that letting go is very hard for me. I guess it’s always been hard for me. Probably why I’ve always struggled with insomnia.

  2. sandralm39 says:

    The same can be said for friends. Trusting someone and that person let you down in the worst possible ways. I’m sorry this happens so much. How come we want to believe in people so much we don’t heed the warning signs, or bells.

    Here is hoping someone worthy comes your way soon!

    • Simone Grant says:

      You’re so right. The truth is (sadly) that you never really know another human being. Not after a couple of weeks, not after a couple of years. And people can, all of sudden, let us down in previously unthinkable ways.

      In answer to your question, I believe we ignore the warning signs because all of us want to believe in the good in people. Even when that belief repeatedly bites us in the ass:-)

  3. A lot of times we see warning signs that we overlook when dating. Be really honest with yourself while asking yourself, “Did I notice warning signs that I overlooked for one reason or another.” Before trusting anyone we have to be real with ourselves, asking questions of ourselves that we must be prepared to deal with the honest answer.

    What’s most important is you’re no longer in a relationship with someone that isn’t a good person and doesn’t care about your well being. Take time to heal but don’t beat yourself over the head about the coulda woulda shoulda’s.

    Tanisha Brooks

    • Simone Grant says:

      I’d like to get to the place where I can leave behind the coulda/shouldas, but I’m not sure that’s in my nature (I wonder how it’s in anyone’s nature, but that’s another thing…).

      And yes, the most important thing is that I’m no longer in a relationship with someone who isn’t a good person and who doesn’t care about my well being. You’re quite right.

  4. Ed says:

    The fact that someone decided to no longer be a part of your life does not always mean someone has done something wrong, neither them nor you. It would be great if Life could provide explanations when things like this happen, but that is not always the case and we waste energy and time focusing on it and the associated pain.

    My friend emailed me the following:

    “People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
    When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.

    When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, To aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
    They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, This person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
    Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

    Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
    They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

    LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.

    Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.”

    So, all we can do is appreciate everyone we encounter for as long as we are blessed to have them in our lives. People are not always going to return the feelings we have for them, but that does not make our feelings wrong or our judgment in error. It simply means we opened our hearts and allowed ourselves to Love. Remember, just because we Love someone does not mean they owe us anything. Our Love should not an obligation, but a gift. We give it freely, of our own accord. There is nothing wrong in hoping to have our Love returned in kind, but when the object of our affection does not, neither we nor they are wrong.

  5. Sequel says:

    I’m not proud to say this but I done this more than once with guys. I’m a fader. I’m not proud of it and right now I’m trying to determine why I fade and why I don’t fade with the guys I should walk away from! HELP ME!

    • Fading as you put it, in my opinion is taking the easy way out. It’s easier to just disappear than it is to tell someone you’re just not that into them. I believe we should treat people the way we’d like to be treated. I’m not saying hurt others feelings intentionally but definately be upfront and honest. After all, you’d expect the same honesty if the shoe were on the other foot.

      You don’t leave when you should probably run because you don’t heed warning signs. You want what you think you want instead of what’s best for you. I know it’s difficult to leave a guy you like even when he’s bad for you, but try using this thought process. It’s easier to hurt now by leaving than to prolong the inevitable and hurt greater later.

    • Simone Grant says:

      I’m just going to say this – hindsight is 20/20. Is easy to say what we should have done. A lot easier than doing it. Just do the best you can, honey. And be good to you.

  6. Catherine says:

    Doubting your own judgement is the hardest thing to feel, and the hardest thing to get over. I was about to marry a man I was with for 7 years this past July. I found out some serious dealbreakers two months before the wedding, and we cancelled the wedding and are no longer together. While the pain of losing him is really hard, maybe one of the hardest parts of all this is how duped I feel and how I just can’t trust myself anymore. I really thought he was the one for me. I truly believed I was lucky, that I had found something special. But, I was lied to and misled in many ways, and I didn’t even see it with my own eyes. Makes it really scary to start something new with anyone, because you just never know. Thanks for this blog post, it really resonated with me.

  7. Lucky Girl says:

    As you know, Simone, I’ve been thinking about this very topic a great deal myself, having just dealt with a Runaway Guy. And some of the biggest pain was indeed the pain that came with thinking I’d been so wrong.

    But then I realized something. I don’t think I was wrong. I just think I gave him more credit than he’d earned.

    If I were to think of myself as a company – Lucky Girl, Inc. – any new hire would have a three month probationary period. And if they failed that test, I’d hardly be devastated. I’d give them their walking papers and move on. But something happens in relationships. Assumptions, hopes, expectations, faith, and risk. And I think I made him CEO before he even understood how the mailroom worked. That was my mistake. But the truth, in the end, is that we are not poor judges of character. We just trust poorly in ourselves to listen to what our hearts tell us before giving our minds a chance to chime in.

    Great post. Thanks for writing it!

  8. Kim says:

    What interesting and insightful posts – thank you. I’ve done the self-doubt thing so many times. I even stopped dating intentionally for over a year just to regroup and try different approaches. I took a chance on someone I met on Match this summer. He hotly pursued me, I trusted too soon against my better judgment and another 2 month and gone ‘relationship’. I heard the alarm bells and my gut was screaming at me but I didn’t listen.

    It is up to me to gauge the speed and intensity of future relationships and to manage myself well. And I intend to do so. I am through with online dating though. I meet plenty of people in real life and do OK there – it’s always the online stuff that causes the problems. And in addition – I am 52 and this last man was 58. Most of the posts or articles on dating seem to be geared for 30 something’s. I’ve been married, have 2 older teenage sons and do not want babies or another marriage or even co-habitation. You’d think that a 58 year old would be sick of this crap already. Guess old habits die hard. I have an FWB, a rich social life, a good job and lots of interests. It would be nice to have a partner but I’m not really sure that I have the stomach to figure it all out.

  9. Stacy says:

    How very true…trusting someone after having your heart broken is hard. Nearly impossible…