A dream you dream alone…

This week’s Guy’s Story comes to us from one of my readers/twitter buddies, Christian S.  I hope you’ll all enjoy it as much as I did.  Ps, please guys, send me your stories. You don’t need to have a blog to get involved. Just have a story you’d like to share.

A dream you dream alone…
… stays only a dream.

Yesterday I so felt like I needed to write it off my chest, but now that all has been said I’m in that state of acceptance where I don’t feel anything, in particular, anymore and don’t know if I can still find the right words.

Here’s how it went: Alex smiled at me just a few days after I had broken up with the girl I was seeing for the past half year. I wasn’t out looking to get to know someone new but since I’m living each moment to the fullest I wasn’t turning a blind eye either.

Next we “unintentionally” met at a party of my best friend whom she knows through his girlfriend and hinted that she wanted to see me again. We ended up kissing next to a campfire and on our way home we stopped at a parking lot and talked till the morning. Then I drove her home.

I felt good about her and thinking highly of what a judge of character I am – and considering the personal things we had shared – I thought we connected and didn’t want to play games – so I rang her up to see her again.

Since we both had a busy schedule it had to wait a few days till we could meet again. We made out in the middle of a park under the blue skies.

I was quickly letting myself get emotionally involved and though I would have taken any chance to meet her again – we only did about 1 to 2 times a week for the following couple of weeks where I tried to find out what makes her tick – where I tried to see her for who she was.

Every time we were together it felt so absolutely right. I just wanted to be with her. Whenever we were apart it was completely different though. I was feeling helpless because she was holding back while I was already falling. One word and I’d just have dropped everything to run away with her.

I know that sorrow is just the discrepancy of what is and what you want it to be but I still couldn’t bear her not being who she was whilst we were together and showing a different face or (seemingly) not caring about me at all in between.

After the last time we saw each other I didn’t get any response from her for some days and then she just hemed and hawed when I was ringing her up so I told her to just tell me straight up what the matter was.

She said she didn’t feel the same way about me I feel about her. *bummer* I still can’t get her feeling any different I was in my head.

From a distanced point of view – that I just couldn’t embrace – it was clear earlier that this would have no future. Though I don’t like being treated that way – hope always dies last. What the f@!# am I talking about here?! When did I make myself so small! I’m always upholding being at eye level. It was a stupid thing for me to do to take her crap.

Even though I ended up hurt – in particular because I was the one wanting to sweep all inconveniences out of the way which unfortunately didn’t prove a mutual feeling – I still enjoyed the time we spent together.

I still don’t want to be any different – I don’t want to play the game and I enjoy falling head over heals in love. It doesn’t feel good though, when it goes wrong – to be honest I didn’t even remember how much it sucks.

Now I’m constantly thinking about whether I’m that good a judge of character I always thought I was.

What should I tell you – another girl approached me that night at a gallery telling me she wasn’t looking for being faithful to anybody again any time soon – just honest. I’ve never been intimate without being lovestruck – and I don’t particularly want to make this experience – but I’m thinking this could turn out the perfect way of getting Alex out of my system.

Christian S.
It still saddens me we didn’t dream together to make it become reality.

Followup

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So the case case of A. is finally solved.

She has feelings for someone else whom she ran into shortly after our last date. Also she’s in love with me – just not as much.

To be honest – I feel relieved.
I wish for her to be happy.

What I’m not fine with is being passed over. Give me the facts and I can – and  will make my decisions.

I think if I had watched out for the signs I could have known.Wanting to be with someone makes it incredibly hard to see the truth although most the time if you want to see it – you will.

Quite likely I will have a coffee with the girl claiming to be upfront. No more heartache/wasting time on dreams for me any time soon.

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