Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Words Don’t Mean a Thing

I’ve been thinking about this post. Thinking about it and thinking about it. And no matter how I try to shape it, I keep on going off on wild tangents. So consider this your warning. Wild tangents ahead.

I don’t know why, but the other day I was thinking about a conversation I had with an ex. He was (not)apologizing to me. For the third or fourth or fifteenth time.  I’d lost count.

He never actually apologized. Never. He’d acknowledge that my were hurt. Acknowledge that the hurt had something to do with him. And then not take responsibility for actually hurting me. Because it was never his fault. Never.

I chose to be hurt. Or something like that.

On this particular occasion, he pointed out that he knew women who had real reasons to be be upset with the men in their lives. The guys hit them or said horrible things to them.  And he’d never said a mean thing to me. He was clear in this.  He’d never said anything unkind, so I had no reason to be mad.

Which was true. He was, almost always, a sweet talker.

But one of the very few things I’ve learned about men and relationships is that the words they say don’t really mean much. Not really. It’s what they DO that matters.  So a man who treats you poorly but then says nice things… he’s probably not a good person to build a long term relationship with. Because when it comes right down to it, words don’t mean much.

And if a guy doesn’t understand HOW to treat a women right, make her feel respected and treasured as opposed to taken for granted, then he isn’t worth your time in the first place.

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14 to “Words Don’t Mean a Thing”

  1. PaulC says:

    I kind of wish that a man (Dad? An uncle? Hell, MOM for that matter!) would sit young girls down and explain men to them around puberty, so you folks would gain this kind of understanding long before your forties… But, I’m glad you’re there now and sharing this with your readers!

    I always wished that a female musical icon would have had a hit with Extreme’s ‘More than Words.’ With men singing it, it always sounded to me like a guy pressuring a woman into unwanted sex, but I think the lyric’s true power comes out when sung by a woman. And it is definitely an insight that I wish all the women in my life possessed… (It saddened me when I saw a woman swooning to that song because I knew that there was a women who doesn’t understand men…)

    BTW – LONG time reader, first time commenter… I’m sorry you’ve been feeling in the dumps for the last few months. Hang in there, kiddo! It may sound trite, but life will pick back up – it always does!!

    • Simone Grant says:

      Well, thank you for reading and for commenting. I guess I have been in the dumps, in a way. But also really excited about some new things going on in my life.

      So, in other words, overwhelmed.

      But about your point, no one in my family never told me a damn thing about men. And I was the oldest sibling. But the truth is, even if someone tried to tell me I might have ignored them. Some of us are stupid and we need to make our own mistakes.

  2. Catherine says:

    You said it! I’m not a fan of the (not) apologizing either. Guys have a real talent for it, though!

    • Simone Grant says:

      The (not) apology is not acceptable. Not anymore. Although, in defense of guys, I don’t know that this is a guy thing. It’s a selfish, I don’t care about your feelings thing. And yeah, women are more likely to be empathetic. But not always.

  3. D says:

    Sorry he hurt you. But as a man, I have to stick up for my gender. Women often have so many unspoken tests and rules that we don’t even know when a woman has been hurt. And in my own experience the times they to tell me they’ve been hurt, it’s often because of confusion, not malice.

    Yeah, there are a lot of crappy guys out there, but there are just as many women who won’t say what they want.

    • Simone Grant says:

      As I just said, I don’t think this is a guy thing. Nor did I say so in this post. I am a hetero chick and I write about my personal experiences. Hence -> men. I’m sure there are plenty of selfish women out there.

      And, um, can you really imagine my NOT SAYING when I’ve been hurt. Sorry, but I don’t by the “I didn’t know she/you/anyone was hurt” crap. Hurt people act hurt. Not seeing it is choosing not to see.

  4. Jolene says:

    You are so right! It’s about the ACTIONS not the WORDS. Or, say what you mean, and mean what you say.

  5. Ah, this sounds so familiar. It’s the ‘I’m sorry your pissed at me but I did nothing wrong’ syndrome. Was this person a bit selfish perhaps? He’s going to placate you bc he doesn’t want you to be mad at him but won’t change the behavior? He’s not truly sorry then. End of story. I think there’s a difference between ‘apologizing’ and actually taking steps to not hurt the person again in the same way.

  6. imonly1me says:

    Words mean so much….. I can go on for days, but silence is just as loud. I give up!

  7. Stacie says:

    I have just only found your site, and there are so many posts I’ll need to comment on. Just wanted to say that you’re spot on and I wish I knew you to share some conversation over a cup of coffee.

    Now that that’s out of the way; I know this man. Well, not this particular man, but my own. He was exactly like that. Would admit he could see/tell that I was hurt but would NOT apologize. Would NOT change his behavior. After nearly 5 years together and countless indiscretions by him I cut him loose. Go hurt someone else, buddy.

  8. AS says:

    I dated a guy similar to this and he was very manipulative and smart in his manner. When I pointed things out to him, despite it being his fault, he had a way of making out that he did not do anything hurtful and I was made to feel like it was my fault. I am a strong believer in actions speak louder words.

  9. GazD says:

    From a mans point.. I was with a woman who was very manipulative she used to speak to me like dirt. I consider myself a gentleman and maybe that was my downfall in this particular relationship. But I learnt from it and moved on, so if someone treats you the way you dont enjoy move on life is far too short
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