Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

It Doesn’t Matter. Until it Does.

It Doesn’t Matter. Until it Does. online dating  It came up over lunch, the way it so frequently does. We were three single women. All of us signed up with online dating sites. So we asked each other, how’s it going?

The details might change from lunch to lunch, but the basics are always the same.  We’re exchanging messages with some guys. Maybe even lots of them. And going on dates. And it’s all fine.  It’s a process.

If only it wasn’t such a frustrating process.  So needle-in-a-haystack-y. And if only more guys followed through.  If only.

At which point I said something about it never being about YOU/US until you actually meet a person. If a decides he doesn’t want to meet you based on your profile – so what?  That’s just your profile. He’s not rejecting you. I’ve written about this ‘theory’ before, in greater detail.

Anyway, I really believed it when I said it.  And when I wrote it.  And the dozens of other times I’ve said something similar.  But then yesterday morning I was in a funk because it was officially more than 48 hours since I’d heard from a guy I’d been exchanging messages with. One I was starting to like (it didn’t matter that there were a half dozen others I was in the -planning stage with). We’d exchanged several emails, he’d mentioned talking and I’d supplied my number and then nothing. No call and no reply email for 48 hours.

I cared. It mattered. Which is the way it goes sometimes. One part of my brain is saying one thing and the rest is shouting something else.

In this case; brain part A = He’s just some guy you’ve exchanged a few emails with. You’re not even sure what he looks like as he’s using bad pics. Stop thinking about it. It doesn’t matter. the rest of my brain = He’s the smartest, funniest, sweetest man you’ve had the opportunity to date in years and now he’s gone. This sucks.

Neither smart nor rational, I know.  But that’s what I was thinking and feeling.  And then, sometime around midday, I got an email from him.  He apologized for the delay (and told me his excellent reason for not getting back to me sooner) and then suggested we speak that night.  Which we did.  And it was nice.

He mentioned meeting later in the week (schedules permitting) and I’ll admit that I’m looking forward to that. Which, again, isn’t smart or rational.  I know that it’s much better to go into our first date with ZERO expectations.  No hope.

But dammit, I can’t control myself. I’ve got hope and it won’t got away.

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16 to “It Doesn’t Matter. Until it Does.”

  1. Terry says:

    I have no idea what your on-line profile looks like – and have never used a dating site, so really am clueless about all of that. So again – I have no advice (and if I did you should probably ignore it) — but I can offer this:

    You are a talented writer, thoughtful, intelligent, and have a heart. I don’t know how you come across in that other world – I just know you from this one. I am certain you can be a pain, and a bit neurotic – all of which make it so you are not perfect – -which is, perfect.

    No advice– just encouragement. If they don’t see you- then you don’t need to see them.

  2. Jolene says:

    Are you in my brain? Wow, so true!!!

  3. Aww hope is the worst lol when it comes to dating…especially online dating..good luck on your date :)

  4. Isn’t it amazing how just through a profile and some emails we can get so excited? But I’ve generally been right about my instincts. When I really like their profile, I usually really like them. Good luck!

    • Simone Grant says:

      You’re instincts are better than mine, I think. It’s true, I’ve been right a lot. But I’ve also been wrong. Very, very wrong. Only time will tell, this time.

  5. pups4me says:

    If you don’t have hope you may as well not go on anymore dates…it’s as simple as that. Hope is what keeps us going.

    • Simone Grant says:

      Universally and in life, certainly. That and spite (ok, that was a bad joke).

      I have hope that each day I’ll find joy and I date because I like having a man/partner in my life. But, honestly, I do think it’s better to keep my hopes very low about each, individual date. A hard line to walk.

  6. Bloggirls says:

    My roommate and I are just starting this process now…. So excited that this is what is in store haha. Men can be so disappointing sometimes. Just stick it out and you’ll be fine. If you wanna read some of our stories (we’ve got some bad ones and we’re only like 1 week in) check out the website I listed (

  7. michelle says:

    Hope was the last one out of Pandora’s box and fought all the evils she released. I think it’s good to have hope. : )

  8. Mark Shih says:

    Attraction is not a choice. I just started with online dating and I guess everyone has the same type of thinking process.


  9. D says:

    FWIW just this morning I pinged a gal with whom I’d tentatively scheduled a coffee date with tonight to confirm. She immediately replied that she didn’t get the original note, tonight didn’t work and suggested an alternative. This is the exception to the rule IME.