Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Human Mirrors

A few years back I had a job that required a bit of travel.  More than a bit. Frequent.  I didn’t mind the travel, it was the job I didn’t love, so I didn’t stick with it for that long.  Just long enough.

me, I still have frequent flier miles leftover from back then.  And last night I booked myself a roundtrip flight to go spend some quality time with one of my oldest and dearest .

This makes me incredibly happy.  Ecstatic.  Elated.

You see, not only is he one of my favorite people in the whole wide world to hang out with, but he’s also one of the few (very few) who I can’t bullshit. Nope.  No bullshit ever.

He, along with a couple of other rare souls, sees right through my crap.  He won’t buy my nonsense.  He’s sees past it all.

Now, part of his ability comes from the fact that we’ve known each other forever.  But only part. The rest comes from the fact that we have such similar values and worldviews, and  that when we speak, we actually listen to one another.  Really listen.  So if, for example, I say, “I’m fine, work is good, I’m glad that X worked out the way it did.” He’ll hear the tone in my voice and know that what I meant was, “help me, I’m lost”.  And he’ll reach out with a hand to save me.  Or a shoulder to cry on.  Whichever I need more.

Sometimes, and I’m pretty sure I mean this, I’m not sure how I feel about something until I talk to him about it. It’s like the thoughts are all trapped in my head.  Going round and round.  They circle and circle and I’ll go completely nuts trying to figure out what I’m supposed to feel until we speak.  And then he says something obvious and I know. Oh, I’m not happy.  Or I AM happy. Whatever.

Because, he sees ME so clearly that I’m able to see a clear(er) vision of myself when talking with him.  Almost like a mirror, but one with his own personality that has the ability to show me the things about myself that I might otherwise miss. I’m not sure if that makes sense?  I have been out of commission for over a week, so…

FWIW, I can’t get into a serious relationship without his stamp of approval. I need to know that he sees good things in the guy. And sees good things in the relationship.  And sees me not doing self-destructive things to fuck up the relationship.  All that stuff.

And so I’m going to go visit him for a while.  We’ll probably be sick of each other by the time I leave, but that’s OK.

Also (odd endnote, but I couldn’t help but make this connection), I’d like to imagine that that’s what it will be like if I ever fall in love again.  Having someone who see the real me.  Behind all of the walls.  That’s what other people talk about when they talk about being in love and I gotta say, it sounds kinda nice.

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9 to “Human Mirrors”

  1. Fawkes says:

    It would scare the heck out of me if I got to the point where I was going to other people for my own opinion or decisions, and especially for sympathy. You’re asking a lot from this guy.

  2. Simone Grant says:

    Interesting interpretation of my words. *shrugs* But then, my words are fuzzier than usual, lately.

    I’m not asking anything of my friend, other than what we’ve had for/from each other for decades – friendship, honesty and trust. I’m perfectly capable of having opinions and making decisions, but I value his insight. And yes, sometimes trust his insight more than I do my own because he knows me so well.

    I wouldn’t think that’s that unusual a situation? Relying on friends for insight, seems rather commonplace to me.

  3. I totally get what you mean here. I am the exact same way with this guy I know who is one of my very best friends. We actually didn’t talk for a couple of years and it was a very unhappy time. I missed him everyday. Then when we reconnected we picked up right where we left off. It’s not that I don’t have my opinion its just that he truly knows me and who I am, sometimes he sees things I don’t see (or see the things I try not to see). I guess he’s my voice of reason, ya know? I think that’s the way close friendships should be.

  4. Just a girl says:

    Alright so I have to ask cause this definitely crossed through my mind while reading this post….is this guy single? Because it sounds like you have a really great connection, but I’m guessing you’ve either already explored that path or he’s involved with someone else or maybe something else, idk… but now I’m curious why if you guys get along so well…what’s the history?
    Note: I am an advocate of the “Harry met Sally question” for the idea that men and women can be friends without having a sexual or romantic relationship, so I usually don’t question male/female friendships…but the bond between you two sounds very special.

    • Simone Grant says:

      He is not single. He is happily married, to a man. I guess you could say that he’s my gay husband, except that I hate that phrase.
      FWIW, we met before he even came out of the closet. He was dating one of my closest (female) friends. He and I have always been just friends, though.

      But yeah, I’d like to meet a guy (a straight one) who could see me as clearly as he does. It would be a relief, actually.

  5. VJ says:

    I was hoping it was something like ‘the gay BF’. But that’s what my immediate guess was. Very useful down the years I imagine. Cheers, ‘VJ’

  6. Sandyvs says:

    I’m smiling because I know exactly the kind of friendship you’re talking about. I now have 2 friends(not going to say the gender) like that. We are to the point where we can say, “I’m calling total bullshit on that” and we will then discuss the situation, with no one getting offended about anything. There have been times when I’m trying to convince one of them about someone they think is shady, and I’m thinking in my head, “This doesn’t even make sense to me”, and I’ll say that. It’s the best kind of friendship to have, because we build each other up, we’re totally honest with each other, we really love each other, and we’ve got each other’s back.

  7. relationships are complicated i think, to begin with. But we complicate them ourselves.. no?


  8. Dazediva says:

    I know the kind of friendship and relationship you have with your mate. I share the same with 2-3 of my friends – and they all live in different countries from me. Each one has this uncanny ability to just ‘know’ what I’m thinking and feeling without me even realizing it. It’s an amazing way to be able to ‘get out of yourself’ and then ‘see yourself’ from the perspective that they have managed to put across. I’d be at a loss without these people in my life !

    (having said that – I am obviously capable of making my own decisions but its nice to know that someone else also finds some sense in what I am doing)