Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Important Things I’ve Learned from One Night Stands

I can still remember the conversation.  I’d met a friend for happy hour at the Boathouse in .  Not a usual hang out, but it was the first really warm day of summer and we wanted to be outside and enjoy the park.

It had been weeks since we’d spoken and the first thing she said was, “Well, I had my first the other night.” Not that it matters, but this was a woman in her early 30s.

Her tone was very matter of fact and I couldn’t tell how she felt about it, so I asked.

I don’t remember her exact words, but I remember that she wasn’t happy. With herself. And she said that it was something she’d never do again.

And knowing her as well as I did, that made total sense to me. It was completely in keeping with who she is as a person.

One night stands are certainly not for everyone. For a lot of people, needs to be about more than just . There needs to be some kind of emotion involved. Love or at least sincere like.

I totally get that.

I don’t happen to be one of those people. Never have been.

For me, and for lots of other people, sex can be about sex. A physical act.  Sans emotion.

Now, I’ve written before about the fact that one night stands no longer do it for me. It’s a quality control thing. However, and I’m being serious here, I’ve learned  a few important things from one night stands that I wanted to share with you all today.

Important Things I’ve Learned From One Night Stands

(warning: disjointed list ahead)

  1. Unshaven legs, granny panties, in need of a pedicure – it doesn’t matter to the man who wants to have sex with you.
  2. Do not wear expensive lingerie out to a trashy bar. Just don’t.
  3. A man can want to have sex with you AND dislike you as a person. A man can want to have sex with you AGAIN AND dislike you as a person, if the sex is good.  Sex is sex.  It would be wrong to mistake it for anything else.
  4. One night stands can turn into relationships. Good, strong, solid relationships.  But they rarely do.
  5. The only time I’ve ever felt bad after a one night stand was when the wouldn’t talk to me the next day (around his friends). I was young and oblivious and he was THE cool in town (I was visiting). I wasn’t cool enough to be his flavor of the week.  And when I realized that, in the morning, it hurt like hell.  Since then, I won’t go near a (for casual sex, dating, whatever) who won’t OWN being with me. I’m awesome and won’t ever allow myself to be treated like a 2nd class slut.
  6. My self-esteem should have nothing to do with my sex life. It would take days to say everything I have to say about this.

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34 to “Important Things I’ve Learned from One Night Stands”

  1. annieology says:

    I went home with a guy one night and never left. We’ve been together over 13 years, have a gaggle of kids, mortgage, the whole thing. I think we have a GREAT relationship, and even better sex. It can work but it is by far the exception.

  2. Sandyvs says:

    Yes, YES, and HELL YES! To everything you said.

  3. Jaysey says:

    Great list! I completely agree–especially on the last one!

    • Simone Grant says:

      Thank you. It kinda amazes and frustrates me how many grown women still have their self-esteem tied up with their sexuality. And worse, the ones who do project that insecurity onto everyone else.

  4. I’m with you on everything except the grannypanties. 😉

    • Simone Grant says:

      I understand that grannypanties are UNsexy. But would you suddenly NOT want to have sex with a woman who was wearing them? Seriously?

      In my experience, the guy doesn’t suddenly change his mind, zip up his pants and go home.

  5. Fawkes says:

    Ah one night stands. There are two perspectives that the seduction community offers to this:
    1) Escalating physical intimacy when there is no comfort leads to something called “Buyer’s Remorse.” If you make out with a guy within 5 seconds of meeting him, no matter how attractive he is you’re going to feel like something is wrong. The reason being–he had no reason to make out with you, and you had no reason to make out with him. You can’t backwards rationalize it into something that could become valuable. Sex on a first date needs to be balanced with a LOT of comfort and qualification.
    2) Everything before sex is a game. Everyone is trying to be as honest as they can, but there are so many things that honesty destroys. If I meet a girl who I’ve read a lot about and I know that she’s really amazing, she talks for half an hour and I know that she’s a caring person but driven and strong, and she’s comfortable with her sexuality and knows how to use it, then yeah I’m super attracted to her and I really hope that we could spend a lot of time together, because that’s a kind of person I want to be with. But I can’t just tell her that. I have to hint, “Wow I love that you’ve got all that going for you.” I have to slowly let it out while she gets attracted to me, and we get comfortable together, and then suddenly we have sex and it’s not a game. In the seduction community, the suggestion is that sex sooner (qualified by number 1) leads to a healthier relationship faster.

    • Simone Grant says:

      I’m gonna politely say that this is one of the many times when the seduction community doesn’t know nearly as much as they think they do.

      • AOC Johnny says:

        I’m gonna just agree with you on this one Simone. The “Seduction” community has their own hangups and challenges. Many many of them.

  6. AOC Johnny says:

    If I would not say hi to her or buy her a drink, I should not be fucking her.

    This was an important lesson to learn as a man.

    • Simone Grant says:

      An important lesson indeed. I hope you share that one around.

      Sadly, there are a lot of women who haven’t learned the opposite lesson -> lots of low hanging fruit out there…

  7. Larissa says:

    Totally agree with you! I have had a couple of one night stands and you have to take it for what it is: sex without any emotional attachments. If you think in those terms, it can be amazing!

    • Fat-Albert says:

      Hey there guys,
      old mate Fawkes doesn’t represent the seduction community – its just his personal opinion. Since men a ‘visual’ creatures, once they’re attracted (by that I mean they’ve made up their mind they’re attracted based solely on her looks)to you = the gal is ‘in’, she’s already ‘selected’ in his mind and cannot do much wrong as per points 1 & 3 above. One night stands can turn into one week stands and even more (eg when on holidays, work convention, etc).

      If a man has a GF, generally he losses attraction after a certain point and is drawn to other women – especially those of the opposite physical looks or character to the one he’s currently with. In contrast, the women become more attracted a man over time. However, the man is still expected to lead – approach, build comfort, trust and build on the chemistry and that is why my one night, two night, three night, one week standard have been an amazing experience. Mindyou, the situational and environmental circumstances are different in Australia compared to NYC.

      All the best guys,
      Ciao bella

  8. Gweb says:

    “A man can want to have sex with you AND dislike you as a person. A man can want to have sex with you AGAIN and dislike you as a person, if the sex is good. Sex is sex. It would be wrong to mistake it for anything else.”

    So true. Has anyone else here noticed that a certain amount of dislike for someone as a person is REQUIRED for the sex to be hot? And that fucking someone you utterly, completely adore with all your heart is like dry-humping a starfish?

    • Simone Grant says:

      Recently I read something, somewhere about passion and tenderness being mutually exclusive and I do believe there is something to that – for some people. I can think of an ex who had a major issue with it (we discussed it – he said he cared about me too much to…).

  9. Why no expensive lingerie out to a bar? What if I meet the man of my dreams and then later on he finds out how much trashy-class I have? No, but seriously. If the man can’t see it at the bar, how come it’s bad to have it on later? Is it because then he thinks you were out looking for it?

    • Simone Grant says:

      In my experience, lingerie worn to a trashy bar (one those very rare occasions where one might end up having a one night stand) might end up getting ripped, torn or destroyed in some matter. My La Perla ain’t disposable :-)

    • Sam says:

      no because it may get shredded later

  10. Nikki says:

    Bravo! Completely agree – but would add that #3 can also apply to women? I’ve slept with boys I didn’t even really like but… like you said, sex is sex.

    Shhh… baby, don’t talk.

  11. feef says:

    all is right but the unshaved legs
    he’ll still have sex with u but that for me minimizes the chances for him calling u the next day

  12. is that all there is? says:

    What I love about one night stands is that you’re not stuck with the guy afterwards, especially if he’s under-endowed, too quick on the draw, or just slobbery. Ick. I’ve spent too much time getting to know someone, building up to sex, only to find any or all of the following – then, you’re stuck in the relationship! Ick. And, no, love doesn’t make up for bad sex, sex that’s just not worth getting undressed for.

  13. Anne says:

    Met the man I married as a result of a one-night stand. Un/fortunately, we’re no longer married, but once I was out in the dating world again, had no trepidation with one night stands. As someone here posted, it’s not worth building up to sex to then be disappointed. For me, life’s too short.

  14. Trip says:

    Totally agree with you. Its exactly what I think of one night stands 😛

  15. So a one night stand is like trauma surgery. The conventional wisdom is that you wear your best clothes in case you are in an accident and someone like me has to take off your underwear. In reality- we don’t check (trauma or one night stands) and most of the time they are ripped off – or cut, in the case of trauma.

    Like trauma- the more alcohol consumed, the more chances you will end up with attention (from a trauma surgeon, or a date).

    I’ve also seen people completely batshit in the trauma room, under the influence of alcohol, and normal the next day when they are sober. Somehow the opposite might apply to one night stands. Perhaps the alcohol made them seem normal, only to find the next day they were batshit (wait, maybe I’m the batshit one).

    Maturity did one thing for me- less alcohol on dates meant more interesting conversation- and then things became much more sexy. Ahh the things we learn as we age- if only –…..

  16. Pat says:

    so true. sometimes people need to differentiate the difference between sex as sex, and sex as connecting on a deeper level. Also people fail to lay the cards out on the table before diving headfirst into having a one night stand which often leads one party feeling pretty bad about themselves.
    Pat recently posted..Men To Men RelationshipMy Profile

  17. Allan says:

    I agree with you, even if you dislike so much something about a girl, like I don’t know anything, when it comes to sex, it does not matter at all, not by my personal experience, but I know friends who supposedly they would never sleep with the fat one or the ugly one, etc, but dang thats not true haha, nice post by the way!
    – Allan
    Allan recently posted..How to get that girl – My honest feedback about Pandora’s Box- A Man’s Guide to the Female MindMy Profile

  18. i don’t think we people would learn by such incident except to off our sexual desired and how it possible that such act without the meeting of mind give us pleasure .only such act is very pleasurable who are economically sound person , these people r getting flash according to his or her desired in terms of dreams .

  19. I like the 1. Granny panties, unshaved legs thing. From my perspective, this is so true. Both of you have one thing in mind and in the end, it doesn’t really matter because either way, the goal is to take clothes off.
    Love this blog. Keep writing
    How To Kiss Chris recently posted..How to Kiss: Types of KissesMy Profile

  20. Perth Escort says:

    I believe that one night stands are the most exciting sexual activity there is. But I also believe that the only way to enjoy it is to be safe. :)
    Perth Escort recently posted..Kitty Perth LocalMy Profile

  21. Fiona says:

    A man can want to have sex with you AND dislike you as a person. A man can want to have sex with you AGAIN AND dislike you as a person, if the sex is good. Sex is sex. It would be wrong to mistake it for anything”

    I agree with this. I would have thought this is more likely that the ONS turn into a relationship. It can make things seem more straight forward if you are with somebody you wouldn’t date. That isn’t as cheap as it sounds, just realistic, that you can have the lust and a good experience with somebody you don’t see as boyfriend material, you assume they think the same and it stays uncomplicated.

    I am sure most people don’t make a lifestyle choice of the ONS. No doubt for most, it is something people choose to experience a couple of times when they are younger.

    You can put so much emphasis on ONS and it’s wrong or it could hurt you. But believe me, one second of loss or feeling surprised with yourself, next to a full day, days, weeks of grief with other of life’s issues (eg bereavements, hearing bad news, illness, you name it..) Believe me, there is far worst stuff to worry about (as long as you are single).

    I am glad I had experienced it when I was single. A very intense and exciting experience.

  22. Cindy says:

    For me there always have to be emotional involvment, i am just the person who isn’t made to have “just n only sex”, but i love liberated- run free women :)

  23. Rav Matt says:

    It happens when you do not know the person which you have had a sex last night. You are not familiar with another one. But it is fully weird that the guy could not talk around his friends.