Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Equal Opportunity?

I’ve never made much of the fact that I’m an ; that is; I date men of all races and ethnicities.  This isn’t lip service.  This is my reality.

I’ve had this blog for less than 2 years.  In that time, I’ve written about a lot of dates, a lot of guys.  I’m a white girl, and so I guess some of my readers have been assuming that all of my dates are white, too. That would be an incorrect assumption. I frequently date white guys, yes. But not exclusively.

What I don’t do is mention, here on the blog, that the man I’m dating happens to be black, or asian, or whatever. Because, frankly, I don’t think race is the most useful way to categorize and define people. And when I’m thinking of a guy, I tend to think of him as shy or tall or outgoing or arrogant.  Not black or white.

Anyway, all that said, I know that I’m not the only person who frequently dates people of other races/backgrounds.  But I also know there are plenty of people who don’t.  Won’t.  And I figure people have the right to do what they want to do.  I’m not judging.

I am, as always, curious.

So let’s take a (and it will be, as always, unscientific, as my readers are not representative of the general population).

Now, I know this is a complicated issue.  It’s not black and white, so to speak.  But let’s see if we can talk about this like adults.

Do you date outside your race?

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Equal Opportunity? dating polls  loading Loading ...


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24 to “Equal Opportunity?”


  1. I did in High School, I dated a few Latino guys. However, in recent years the opportunity has not risen, but I would be comfortable with it.

  2. Mel says:

    I loved reading this post, because I wrote one last year about the various men my friend and I have dated over the past couple of years. Thank you for putting out this poll. I actually called it “Equal Opportunity Daters: We Don’t Discriminate.”

  3. Sandyvs says:

    I don’t discriminate. If they’ll date me, I’ll date them! I think part of the reason why I don’t “see” other colors or races is because I was raised in a home where it was NEVER an issue. It was never brought up, so I just see people as people, not a color.

  4. Shannia says:

    I use to but not so much anymore. It seemed my religion was always a problem at some point and there was this time i overheard a conversation between the man I was dating and his mother about how our children would be “brown”.
    I refuse to deal with the nonsense now, so it’s just much easier to date my own.

  5. Terry says:

    Hey I’m 1/4 Native American —
    Wife was born in Hong Kong
    Mutts make the best kids– mix it up America

    • shannia says:

      I never minded mixing it up but there is a point where the simplicity factor comes in. I dated a lot of white men but family or friends always had a problem with me not being white and being muslim. So I started dating muslim men of all cultures, but families had problems with me not being religious enough to their liking. So now I am dating a muslim/indian man and the only problem our families have is that we haven’t set a date yet to get married.

    • Simone Grant says:

      I love reading stories about how completely mutt-like the next generation will be. In some parts of this country, being mixed will seem like the norm. I kinda think that’s awesome.

  6. AnalyticalDiva says:

    I have to admit that I was surprised to see this conversation up for discussion today, since, as far as I can tell, seems like a bit of a disconnect from other posts. While I can commend the general point being made, as a woman of color, please allow me to share a couple of of quick thoughts:

    - Was there a particular situation or circumstance that prompted a post to discuss this topic? How do you assume that your readers assume that you only date white men? Is that what they’ve said? It seems that for an issue like this one, which is still a tender subject for a smaller sector of the population, some context on a particular situation would be useful to create a meaningful discussion. That said, I don’t know that I feel this conversation is best had in a poll format.

    - I’m always confused by people that write about race to say that they specifically don’t care about race. Personally, I’m acutely aware of the impact of race everyday, not just in my own experience, but in the fact that we still, as a society acknowledge it all the time. Granted, we’ve come a long way — but we’re not quite at the point to say it doesn’t matter as long as we choose to make its own topic of discussion.

    Ultimately, I want to be clear that I’m not slamming anything and respect open conversations of race — heck, I know I’ve engaged in this discussion and like Mel, have considered myself an “Equal Opportunity Dater” — still do, if the match is right. In fact, in one or two cases, I’ve dated guys of other ethnicities and races that say they’re of the same liberal mindset — only to make a comment in my presence that I would deem quite unaware and one time, very offensive.

    However, what I do want to challenge us to understand is that while we may consider all of ourselves comfortable with the issue of dating someone outside of our race, we should take a moment to be sure. After all, the fact that all of us are commenting is a clear indicator that even in its smallest measure, we will still think about it.

    It’ll be a wonderful world the day that checkboxes don’t matter. However, until then…

    • Simone Grant says:

      In a conference call now so this won’t be the most eloquent answer…

      This topic isn’t such a huge departure. In fact, I’ve written about being an equal opportunity dater before. What prompted that first post was a conversation with a friend (and reader) who asked me to describe the man I went out with the night before. As I described him, I mentioned his personality, his height (as he was very tall), his occupation, and then the fact that he was black. The reader/friend was surprised and pretty much said something about being surprised (that I was dating a black guy and why hadn’t I mentioned that.

      And so I asked other readers and others assumed that since I wasn’t mentioning race that all of my dates were the same race as me. Because, I guess, dating outside one’s race is something we’re supposed to comment on. As for today’s post, I’ve been in and around a lot of discussions about dating and race lately, so I’ve been thinking about it. I write about whatever I’m thinking.

      As always, I don’t ask people to see the world the way I see it. And I can certainly imagine how things would be very different for a women of color/person of color. For me, I take guys one by one, personality by personality. Race and ethnicity are a part of the package. but just a part.

  7. caroline says:

    I don’t discriminate but to turn a blind eye to colour is pretty much turning a blind eye to one’s history and heritage. What a shame if in our efforts to be as nondiscriminating as possible, we close doors to dialogue and openness.

  8. Heather says:

    I am new to your blog, Simone, although I did read quite a few of the old post. I am married and off the dating scene for almost 5 years, although I had my share of dates while single. But reading your blog, I was impressed!! I mean you get A LOT of dates, first dates, blind dates, whichever. And to hear it said that at 39-40 it becomes a deadzone for dating! I assume you must be very attractive and have a great body….not saying you don’t but I will say interracial dating certainly opens up your options- in a good way. I had spent my single years looking for a Jewish man, focusing pretty much on Jdate and other Jewish events/venues. Well, after a few years with nothing working out, (I was 34)I decided to try Match. Within six weeks, I meet my guy and we have been together ever since. (jUst married a month ago!)Now, he is white and as it turns out- half Jewish, although he did not highlight his religion in his profile. Probably will still be single if I had stayed on hunt for only a Jewish man.***side note- I had also been searching for someone slightly older than me- figuring he would be more serious, more established…all kinds of nonsense- goes to figure my husband is 7 years younger.

    • Simone Grant says:

      Heather,
      I think a lot of readers overlook the simple fact that I’m very open-minded when it comes to me, and hence have less trouble dating than I might be (if I were pickier). This doesn’t mean I don’t have standards. I most certainly do. My standards don’t happen to be based on race, ethnicity, height, educational background or a bunch of other things that I’d consider superficial or unimportant (but that I know are very important to other people).

      Thanks for reading and joining in on the conversation, btw. And congrats on finding your match online. I love happy stories like yours.

  9. This conversation comes up from time to time. I’ve read quite a few articles about all of these various theories about why asian-white is the most common form of interracial dating especially between the asian female and the white male. I guess I obviously fall into this trend with the majority of my boyfriends being white and a majority of my platonic friends being asian males.

    The thing is that I always felt that the Asian guys that I was attracted to seemed to prefer smaller and more petite Asian women – which seemed to do very little for my self esteem. I’m quite tall and thin but not particularly petite and well made up – I’ve always been a bit of a Tom Boy. Meanwhile, the white guys I was attracted to (tall, geeky, wiry) seemed to like me just fine. Go Figure.

    Thanks for setting up this poll! Look forward to seeing the results!!

    • Simone Grant says:

      Funny,
      I’ve always attracted Asian suitors. My assumption has always been it’s because I’m so petite.
      I don’t mind the attention, one way or the other. What I don’t like is when guys assume certain personality characteristics come with my body type (if you know what I mean). That never plays out well.

      It’s a big, strange world we live in.

  10. Kitty says:

    I date all but black guys. I was raped by a black guy. Sorry. That is how prejudice is born.

    • Simone Grant says:

      I’m sorry you had to go through that. FWIW, I wouldn’t call your disinclination a prejudice. Rather, a byproduct of a traumatic experience.

  11. Anthony says:

    I would have no problems dating someone of a different race. The chance has never been there.

  12. Simone Grant says:

    Oops – tried to catch up with comments and the thread got all messed up…

  13. Zoë says:

    Yay, Simone, you’re my kind of girl! :) I’m TOTALLY an equal opportunity “ethnic dater.” :)

    Can I direct your attention to a recent post I wrote about three different guys I’ve been dating?
    http://winkwinkwink.wordpress.com/2010/04/29/men-of-the-world/

    Another note: I dislike it when the guy I’m dating has never dated other ethnicities than himself. I tend to attract a lot of men who like the blond hair / blue eyes / fair skin look, which is fine, but when I realize that that’s the ONLY type they’ve dated, it puts me off a little. Have you experienced this too?

    Anyway, let’s hear it for equal opportunity daters like you and me, Simone. Even more lovely: Nearly 60% of us are the same. Hip-hip hooray!

    • Simone Grant says:

      I attract a lot of guys who only date petite women who look a lot like me, and it freaks me out. I was dating one man and (for utterly bizarre reasons) one day I ended up googling his ex-wife and it turned out I looked almost exactly like her – just younger.

      Like you, I’d prefer my guys to have open minds about who they date. I am more than a “type”.

      • Zoë says:

        Ooh, that is a little creepy! He definitely had “a type,” but I agree, if YOU don’t have a type, there can be a disconnect. I don’t need someone to be EXACTLY like me (that’d be no fun) but this is one area (open-mindedness) I’d like to be on the same page about.

  14. LadyD says:

    I’ve dated all flavors of men – for a while, I seemed to be working my way thru Eastern Europe & the Mediterranean! Lately, it’s been Latin America – LOL! I’m blonde, petite, and am Lithuanian (but built rather like J-Lo!), so the Latin guys/Brothas/Euro men have always been around (thank my Mama for my boo-taay!) – I rarely date garden-variety white guys – just no interest. I like my men like I like my wine: Imported! Not into Asian men, redheads, blondes, or Middle Eastern guys save for 1 Syrian guy who grew up in Canada . . . Like you, I look at the total package, and it’s a wide margin of what attracts me – it’s mainly someone’s energy, intelligence and joie de vivre – and not the color of their skin – but I do have a penchance for beautiful brown men, from light tan to coffee with cream! (I’m pigment-impaired and one shade down from Albino, so go figure!)


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