Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

And He Lost Me

And He Lost Me dating update  414300 3250 199x300It seems that, a few weeks ago, I’d given my phone number to a couple of men.  This was back when I was still kinda seeing Mr. Midwest and trying to figure out where that was going.

Anyway, these two guys both started calling me in the past week.  Each with his own apologies and reasons for not calling sooner.

Whatever. I didn’t care about the delay (as I couldn’t remember offering my number).  If they’d called sooner, I wouldn’t have been interested/available, anyway.

Guy #1 came off as nervous and a bit timid on the phone, but then my memory got jogged and I remembered all of these interesting things about him. And he was super-tenacious.  If I was unavailable/busy when he called, he just called back later. And then later again.  And I do appreciate tenacity as a trait.  So we’re going out on Wednesday (plus, he called with a really great date plan – I like a guy with a plan).

But this post isn’t about Guy #1.  It’s about Guy #2.

I was predisposed to like Guy #2 based on what I knew about him.  I guess you could say that he sounded like a keeper.  And he was confident and funny on the phone.  I enjoyed talking with him and was thinking that I’d certainly go out with him.

Until he blew it.

We’d been talking for about 15 minutes and I said something about needing to go.  He asked if I’d be interested in meeting up for a drink.  I said yes.  That I’d be available later in the week.

So then he starts babbling about his schedule and what he has going on each day.  I’m thinking, I don’t care, call me when you know when you’re available and ask me out. Then he says, do you ever IM?

Now, I’ve written about this before.  I am VERY anti-IM when it comes to men I haven’t met yet.  It’s one of the few I actually follow all of the time.  I’ll IM with friends, or men I’m dating. But not men I haven’t met yet.  Nope.

My reasons for this are two-fold.  1) In my experience, IM chats with men you haven’t met yet have a high likelihood of getting naughty (as people are much braver via IM than they’d be on the phone or in person).  2) The speed helps to create a false sense of security, like it’s someone you’ve known for a while.

So I told him no, I never IM.  And then he asks me if I’ll be around tomorrow night for a phone call (mind you, a few minutes earlier he’d asked if I’d meet him out for a drink). I said that I might be, I didn’t know (because at this point, after the mention of IM, my interest was waning).

I can’t recall the exact words he used, otherwise I’d quote him, but he then said something about giving me a call tomorrow night (tonight) and if I was home we can have a sexy talk.  Yes, I am quite sure he used the word sexy.  Which is why I won’t be answering the phone when he calls.

For the record (and anyone who’s confused), I’m all for dirty talk with someone I’m dating. I’ve gone so far as to email naughty pics to a significant other who’s away on a long trip.  And, I have no issue with sexting (other than that ridiculous phrase – sexting). But I have ZERO interest in having a sexy talk with someone prior to our first date.  ZERO.

I gotta say, I’m a little disappointed.  I wanted to like this guy. Oh well.


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9 to “And He Lost Me”


  1. Ugh I hate that too. I’ll do IM with guys I haven’t met.. its often a good way to weed out the morons (aka they start getting into sex chat and I’m done). But any guy that says “sexy talk” or “sexy time” and he’s not being a comedian.. I’m out. Sexy stuff before the first date though is just too soon.

  2. Misty Kaye says:

    I’d never thought much about not IMing before the first meeting, but you’re absolutely right. I’m usually a little cautious about that, and it always seems overeager when guys ask about it, but now I think you’ve convinced me that my gut feeling is right.

    And as for the sexy talk, I have nothing to say but, “Ugh.” Sex chat over the phone with someone you’re dating is awesome. Sex chat with someone you haven’t met yet is seedy.

  3. Fawkes says:

    The best dating advice I’ve gotten as a guy has been regarding what NOT to do.

    This is a really astute comment: “people are much braver via IM than they’d be on the phone or in person.” This is true with SMS as well. I just avoid those in general now. My favourite line is “I’ll believe it when I see it.” Then I wander back towards themes the girl is actually congruent with. Besides, I don’t know anything about her.

    “The speed helps to create a false sense of security, like it’s someone you’ve known for a while.” Is it false or just passing? In the seduction community there’s this idea that “attraction” and “comfort” are two distinct things with similar roots. Attraction being someone telling a funny joke and comfort being knowing that someone cares strongly about their family.

  4. Ugh. So not cool.

  5. @femmmefatal says:

    Feeling you. Sometimes that is all you need to say and hear!

  6. AS says:

    Good call on the IM! He does not sound sincere in his intentions and it’s better to have this insight now, then later on down the line.

  7. Stand your ground girl! I hate IMing before the first date too. Glad to know it’s not just me that this kind of stuff happens to! Love your blog.

  8. E, Seantrice says:

    Better to find out sooner that later he didn’t have much respect for you and probably only wanted to sleep with you. Any man who respects you knows better than to bring up anything pertaining to sex before the first few dates. If a guy I just meet says anything sexual to me before I feel comfortable with him I label him as a Perv and move on.

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  9. Its always the one’s we want to have the most hope for that disappoint so early on. smh