Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Seek and Ye Shall Find

Seek and Ye Shall Find i am not a role model  1167254 16623196 300x200So here’s a funny thought (ok, maybe it’s not so funny): When it comes to dating, we see what we want to see and we find what we’re looking for.

No, I’m not trying to be profound.  Just pointing out that when I meet someone new (in whatever circumstance – online, at a party..) and I find myself attracted to him, I go out of my way to find things about him to like.

So, for example, if I meet some cute guy at a party and we’re talking I search for goodness in him.  Seek out likable qualities and areas of mutual interest. Even if there’s plenty of evidence that mr.-cute-guy-at-the-party isn’t for me. I’ll keep looking.  And, frequently, I find evidence to support the theory that I want to support.

This is what I was thinking the other night as I was talking with a friend.  We’ve both taken, repeatedly, the I Will Never, Ever Date Another Musician oath. Repeatedly. And each time we go back on that oath, we do it because we think that this one is different. This one is really not at all like all of the other musicians who came before him. He’s responsible and generous and NOT self-involved. Oh, and mature. Very mature.

And maybe he is some of those things. All of those things. But, of course, (and here I can only speak for myself) these are qualities I discovered because I went searching for them.  I saw what I wanted to see and found what I was looking for.  A reason. Proof that the I Will Never, Ever Date Another Musician oath should not apply to him.

This isn’t a post about the evils of dating musicians (despite the pic). Rather, it’s just me thinking too much (AGAIN) about my dating habits and patterns.

I’ve started to look at some of the mail that’s been building up in my inboxes, though it’s a bit overwhelming after ignoring it for a couple of weeks. I try to give everyone who falls within certain parameters a shot – age, location, relatively attractive.  And as I read through my mail I gotta admit that YES, I’m trying really hard to find certain guys redeemable.  The ones who are better candidates in terms of age, attractiveness, location (which for me equates to: Manhattan, 42-48, handsome) are the one’s whose profiles I go over in the hopes of finding some nugget of goodness. The others (a little younger or older (my actual age range is 40-52ish), other boroughs or burbs, not as good-looking) I read over and if there’s something there that interests me=cool, if not…

Not sure if this is a babbling mess or a coherent thought.  I haven’t slept much lately.  I guess my point is that maybe I’ve tried a little too hard, in the past, to find things to like in certain men.  Or reasons to go out with them.  And when I tried to find a reason, I did (find a reason).

And maybe now that I’m realizing just how often I’ve done that, and how silly it is (and how painful the results can be) it’s a habit I can break?


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7 to “Seek and Ye Shall Find”


  1. Jane Wonder says:

    I think it makes perfect sense, and I think the reverse is true too. For example, when I was convinced every man would disappoint me or hurt me somehow, I looked for evidence. And I probably jettisoned a few good men in my zeal to not get another bad one.

    All that to say that yes, I think we see what we’re looking for. And it’s our own expectations we need to manage first and foremost.

  2. AOC Johnny says:

    Thanks for the awesome insights to us musicians “responsible and generous and NOT self-involved. Oh, and mature. Very mature”. I could not have said it any better myself.

    You made me feel warm and fuzzy today!

    • Simone Grant says:

      LOL. For the record, one of my best guy friends is a (professional) musician AND he’s the one who has made me take the NEVER again oath on musicians.

  3. pups4me says:

    Great insight SG and although I’ve never really thought about it that way, I tend to do the same thing. It’s probably common for most of us that have dated awhile. I think it also depends on what your most recent dating experiences have been. I know if my past few dates have been with guys I wasn’t physically attracted to in person and then I meet a guy that is, I will be so happy to feel that chemistry that I will look for the good in him.

  4. I think you should only date the people that you really want to go out with. But if one good thing makes you see lots more things you like….okay, this may be hopeless. Maybe each time you find yourself liking someone, immediately try to think of 3 things that irk you? lol

  5. Fat-Albert says:

    Hey guys,
    Intriguing reading. Is it true then that women don’t know what they want?!. For example, I was at a girl friends’ birthday party (Yes, strategically being in the “Friend Zone” does have it benefits) and they were saying that women today prefer guys who are young, rich and handsome : ) Of course, I teased them about this. For example, I said: if you were to meet one of these young, rich, handsome men – what would you do or say to make him want to get to know you (because they’ve generally got ‘choices’. But then again, I’ve gone out with a couple of beautiful women who had previous BF’s who would fly them somewhere in a helicopter, or drive them around town in a Farari, etc. See, real men lead/take charge)” Anyways, after friendly chit chat/building comfort/finding out more about her, dancing, sexual escalation – I lead her to another quiet area of the bar… Later, we’re arranging a fun ‘get togeather’ and then she’s giving me a drunk “i love you” speal. Puh-lease, of course I’m all calm, aloof with it all but goodness, this can’t be real.

    I do agree girls that you need to have standards, qualities in a person. But, if they are say only 70%, 75%, 80%, of the way to your ideal/dream man – are you going to turn him down???. How many opportunities have you missed out on? Have you not being paying attention to Sex and the City : ) Admittedly, its a ‘fog’ out there in the dating world so its important to be the best we can/the most prepared for an opportunity that presents itself – even if only for a brief moment/encounter.

    Keep it real girls,
    Ciao bella
    Fat-Albert

    PS What d’you call a three legged donkey?
    A. a wonkey