Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

I’m Just Not Made That Way

I have some very complicated views on life and dating.  Well that’s a lie.  The truth is, I don’t believe in much. Which is complicated.

I believe that life isn’t fair. That bad things happen to good people. And sometimes the line between right and wrong can get a little blurry.

Some people might define that all as a lack of belief.  I might agree.

In terms of dating, I believe a person can do her best, be her best, have the world’s most positive outlook and still not be able to have much control over how things turn out.  Mind over matter… sure, OK, whatever.  I’ll buy that a negative attitude will likely bring you failure.  But no one is ever going to be able to sell me on the opposite. But then, perhaps that’s my problem :-)

I also believe, as I do with all things in life, that wanting something requires (from me) an action. If I want to have someone with whom I can share my bed at night then I must (because of the way I am) work towards that goal. I can’t, really can’t, want something and do nothing about it. I’m just not made that way.

So even this week, when I said I was taking the week off from dating, I find myself reading my messages and thinking, What about him? Because  I want.  And I’m trying to figure out, which direction to go in.

When I first started to correspond and then talk with Mr. Midwest I described him to a friend as the anti-M.  And I remember saying, “I could use an anti-M in my life”.  So maybe I went too far in the anti-M direction?  Or maybe I was focusing on the wrong things, entirely?  Or maybe M was close to the kind of guy for me.  Just NOT.

I don’t know.  I guess what I’m saying is that I’m nowhere near done trying yet.  And OK with the fact that I am very imperfect in all of it (even as I constantly shift directions).  And OK with the very real possibility that no matter what I do and how hard I try it might all still come to naught.


9 to “I’m Just Not Made That Way”

  1. NoMoreDuds says:

    Wow, frankly, I’m very surprised to be reading this here. I don’t know what the last two paragraphs mean but I agree strongly with remainder of this post. There is someone out there trying to peddle a lot of bullshit.

  2. Kelly says:

    It’s difficult to stay positive in these situations. I’ve met a lot of men and women who are very bitter daters, which of course doesn’t help everyone else. I think the key is letting go of the outcome. Nobody can predict their lives, or the timing. When I tried to control things in this way…that’s when I felt the most out of control with my life. Living in the moment is key with everything.

  3. AS says:

    Veering to the positive side – it’s better to try and fail, by not trying you fail anyway. The whole dating experience is a journey – they key is to keep a positive and open-mind. The moment it feels like hard work, that’s the moment to take time out as you will not be approaching it with the right attitude or mindset.

  4. I think the fact that you keep going out there and keep trying means you must have some belief that all this dating will have a pay-off in the end 😉

  5. Susan says:

    Do you know, when I get down about my dating life and need a boost, I read the “Missed Connections” section of craigslist. Don’t know if this will help you, but it reminds me how much we all are searching for love and connections. Here’s a link to ones from my neighborhood:

  6. I hear you. I’ve veered that way, too. I mean, going from the not-good-for-me to the MUST-be-good-for-me-(right?). Even when I question why I’m doing it, I keep looking, too. Heart-sore but looking. Or maybe just bored-and-looking. It’s no crime. :-)

  7. Dating Guy says:

    OK, it might come to naught, but I don’t think so. It is sometimes just a matter of time, as well as effort. Good things come to those who work hard, but also to those who wait…!

  8. Terry says:

    I am the ultimate skeptic. I don’t think one person is made for another. I’m agnostic. I’m cynical. I do not believe in Karma (perhaps this is for my safety). But did I get hit at age 52.

    So here it is – I would have never put my wife and I together- never. I could not, in my head say this would have been the woman for me. If you put her background together and mine on a sheet of paper- you wouldn’t either. Ok- she’s smart (an absolute requirement) and etc – but never would I have put us together. Does this mean that I was just illiterate about the woman for me? Could be. Maybe she just likes me for my cooking skills.

  9. Black Iris says:

    Just a comment on belief because I like to be difficult – you believe in good and bad, fair and unfair, or you wouldn’t be able to decide that life is unfair. But I basically agree with you, there’s no guarantee that you’ll find the right person because you’re a good person or anything. The big mystery is figuring out how to find the kind of person you want and why you aren’t finding them now.